Thursday, April 12, 2012

Pinterest: SO didn't nail it...

Again, Pinterest, I'm a slave to it.  So much so that much like one will check a horoscope to find out how their day will be, I check Pinterest to see if there's something I need to add to my imaginary "to do" list.  True fact.

However, I am becoming more of a Pinterest expert, if you will, and along with the recent revelation that some of my followers are not actually interested in me, they are only interested in me clicking on their stupid fake boards to sell me shit, I have come across a few pins that made me pause for a minute and think..."that's not...that's just not right..."

Again, as I noted in my previous Pinterest fail entry, I have decided to critique them on my own blog to protect the innocent or, more like, to avoid possible hostile comments and unfollows.

First up, I give you Puffy Paint Ghost:

Not only is this your hideous end result, the creator warns that this is not a "neat craft".  You use glue and shaving cream, and it takes hours to dry.  I guess you'll have plenty of time to clean up the mess your children made creating this monstrosity in the time that it takes it to dry.  Enough time, I'll wager, that your children will have lost complete interest in this project, and Halloween will be over, and you may as well start on your puffy paint pumpkins for Thanksgiving.  Serious fail.

Easter is the time for chocolate goodies, cute little bunnies and chicks ready to be devoured by children and adults for that sugar rush which will provide much needed energy for the Easter egg wars hunts that take place in front yards and in churches all across America.  I love chocolate aminals as much as the next person, but seriously people:

Let's leave the Easter treats to the professionals at Hershey's and Brach's shall we?  Nothing is more depressing than biting into an alien head or a lazy-eyed bunny on Easter morning.  It's just sad, and I can promise you, if your children found either one of the above in their baskets on Easter morning, they would be pissed.  And they would curse you.  And be scarred for life.  Do you really want that on your conscience?

"Hey Kathleen!" you say.
"Yeah what?" I answer (I'm often brusque and suspicious when being addressed).
"Wanna come over for dinner?  We're having steaks!"
"Hell yeah, I'm broke and always hungry; be right there!"

"It's cauliflower steak, silly! It's supposed to be delicious!"

"And you were supposed to be a good friend inviting me over for a god damn real dinner because you have sympathy for my plight, but I guess we've both been betrayed, me by you, and you by whatever idiot told you that you wouldn't get punched in the face by serving me this deceptive crap!"

As if that weren't bad enough...

The creator of this next dish claims it to be the "World's Best Tofu Recipe":

No, sorry, I've had tofu masquerading as meat in  many Asian dishes, and I can almost guarantee you that any of them was better than the above bowl of brown, uninspired dog puke. wouldn't be dog puke at all because YOUR DOG WOULDN'T EAT IT BECAUSE IT'S NOT REAL MEAT AND TOFU SUCKS!!!!

I don't know why this recipe inspires so much hatred in me; perhaps because I take my food quite (too) seriously, and this whole...plate of crap just personally offends me. Although a sprinkling of parsley wouldn't improve the taste of this dish, it would at least make it feel like less of an eye rape.  FAILURE...on every level, Pinterester who dares call yourself a cook.

Yes, I know.  I have food issues.  I'm working on it.

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