Stolen Daily Affirmation

Lifted entirely from Blurbomat, but it's something I've been contemplating myself lately:

Daily affirmation:
All that stuff you thought was cheesy crap? It works.

Incidentally, that doesn't change the fact that I'm entirely too invested on what's going on with his other half which is documented here and here.

Why?  I have no idea.  I've come up with a theory however: it's an unfortunate side effect of human nature.  It's human nature to:

• Build someone up only to help tear them down for what you perceive as a flaw in their character, which leaves you feeling disappointed and betrayed.
• Enjoy a good comeuppance, aka "karma is a bitch and so are you!"
• Look at a trainwreck.  It's nearly impossible to turn away from someone who is clearly in self-destruct mode. 
• Engage in gossip, and expostulate endlessly on the different reasons as to how, where, when and why something happened.

 I could go on and on breaking down every nuance and factoid of this whole drama that's playing out across the bloggyverse, but the bottom line is this:

 I am incredibly, INCREDIBLY bored.

I've Been Dooced!

Never have I been prouder to be considered part of the "dregs of humanity" though I'm pretty sure people have thought that of me before.

Monetizing The Hate

Background: I've read this woman's blog since its inception 11 years ago.  I used to adore her.  She was witty, charming, beautiful, and insanely funny...emphasis on the insanely part, it turns out.

You know how it is when you follow celebrities (even quasi) for years, you think you kinda know them?  For lack of a better word, it's even more "intimate" when you follow a "real life" person, i.e., blogger, because they reveal a lot more of themselves, their daily family life, routine, etc.  You develop a weird kind of friendship, like, "hey, they're just a normal person like me!" where you feel like you know them because they aren't being driven around in limousines, dressing up for parties and premieres, shopping on Rodeo Drive, being followed by paparazzi.  They're driving their kids to school, dressing down in sweatpants, watching movies at home, and shopping at Kroger.  So, yeah, they become like your BFF, or at the very least, a neighbor that you're fond of.

The internet is such an odd place, isn't it?  So, anyway, yeah, I really admired Heather Armstrong, we were going through the same kind of shit, man.  Depression, body image issues, food issues, we shared a love of Britpop, the same conflicted feelings about religion (though she was Mormon, I was brought up Catholic, still families strongly rooted in the church), and the same bitchy sense of humor.

Then, things changed between us, Heather & me (there I go again!  Imagining we're pals).  In a way, it was cool.  I mean, this chick like me, really cool stuff was happening for her because of the power of her words.  She actually had a career and was supporting herself and her family with her website.  She didn't have to be a published author to be a successful writer.  I like to consider myself an amateur hack, so this was amazing to me, and I was really happy for her, and encouraged that something like that could be done.

Then, she became like, all famous, and stuff.  And started hanging out with supermodels, and hiring assistants, and getting committed into a mental hospital because of her postpartum depression, and finding herself in her garage staring up at a pipe thinking about wrapping one end of a dog leash around it, and the other around her neck, and separating from her husband, and so forth.

So I was like....Dooooooce.....really?  That's kinda fucked up, yo.  But the worse thing?  The most unpardonable sin?  Her website stopped being interesting.  About a year ago, it was pretty clear that she had lost all interest in the website, and that's cool, I get it, you have some measure of success, you've got other things going on, so say bye-bye...or at least be honest about it. I mean, you made your $ by being authentically open about the things going on in your life, so why quit now?  Or better yet, go ahead, and quit.  That's the part that must really suck, though, right?  I mean, it's pretty obvious she's been totally "over" writing her blog, but now she's got sponsors, and employees, and lawyers, publicists, blah, blah, blah, so she can't just up and quit.  She's got to phone it in somehow.  And it showed.

So, anyway, I was having a pretty bad morning myself today, and unable to vent my frustrations to the person who was actually physically in my face pissing me off, I decided to do the typically passive-aggressive thing and lash out at some, well, nonentity, really, and spew forth my anger. Oh, don't get me wrong, I meant every word of it. 

And by that, I mean EVERY WORD.  Not just the part that she decided to copy and paste in order to make herself look better because everyone was being a big ol' meanie.

The quote on the page that was mine is as follows (in part):

Maybe she’s emotionally and physically exhausted because she finally caught a glimpse of the trainwreck of an interview that she gave on the Today show…twice. My god, it was embarrassingly bad, I actually felt sorry for her for the first time in like…um…ever.
Poor thing. My body would probably shut down too if I had to carry around a head and an ego as big as hers.

 The entire quote as posted on Get Off My Internet is as follows:

Maybe she’s emotionally and physically exhausted because she finally caught a glimpse of the trainwreck of an interview that she gave on the Today show…twice. My god, it was embarrassingly bad, I actually felt sorry for her for the first time in like…um…ever.
Poor thing. My body would probably shut down too if I had to carry around a head and an ego as big as hers.
I see that she’s finally opened up the comments again for this post; probably so she could hear a bunch of “Aww, Dooce, you do whatever you need, honey. We still <8 you”! Maybe I should comment there too, except that I’m sure it would be deleted because I’m being such a JERK.
And yeah, this is from a loyal reader who’s been following along with her for 11 years, and continued to enjoy her up until the last year. She should have ended the website when it reached its first decade because Dooce.com is now kind of like a television show that continues to struggle painfully along because it’s a money maker until it dies a slow, painful, agonizing death and makes you forget what made it so wonderful in the first place.

See what she did there?  Kinda left out the last two paragraphs, which actually were not as harsh as the first part.  My valid points were completely left out, dammit.

It's such a bitch being edited without prior approval.  But I guess so am I.  And oh, yeah!  Internet recognition, baby!  I'm such an attention ho.  :-)

April Fool's Day is stupid

Unlike my sister who, admittedly, made a very cute backwards dinner for her kids yesterday, I have never  been a fan of this most useless of pointless of mean-spirited and downright stupid "holiday".

The MOST useless you say?  What about Feb. 29 you ask?  Hey, man, back off.  Feb. 29 is too cool, it happens once every four years, like Presidential elections, Olympics, and World Cup...all which are much less cool than Leap Year, so by default, Feb. 29 is better than April 1. Plus, if my birthday was on Feb. 29, I wouldn't be 40 fucking years old.  I feel you, Cameron.

http://abc.go.com/watch/modern-family/SH559066/VD55176458/leap-day

 Kathleen, 1, imaginary readers, 0.

The main reason I hate April Fool's is that I am a particularly gullible sort, and easily embarrassed, therefore, I do not like tricks played on me.  And most April Fool's Day pranks are designed to confuse the witless, and embarrass the already socially awkward members of our society of which I am included.

Also, they are just plain fucking mean and created in order to make people look and feel like assholes.  I feel like that enough already by myself on any given day, I don't need a whole day dedicated to people trying to remind me of that.  I'd rather watch a video of a kid whacking his dad in the nuts with a baseball bat on an endless loop for 24 hours than spend the whole damn day being suspicious of everything and anything I see and/or hear:  "Oh, really, Mom's feet fell off and she needs to go to the emergency room?  Try again, sister!"

And honestly, are the "pranks" ever really clever or funny?  Can you remember one that worked ever that caused you to laugh hysterically, or did you just think "Wow...that's kinda mean" or worse, "Damn...HOW much time did they spend on that colossal fail of a trick?"  Not one, I'd wager.

That being said, while perusing Gawker, I did come across one particular April Fool's Day joke that was cute, harmless, clever, and made me feel good instead of cringing internally.

May I present: Warby Barker, designer eyewear for dogs.

How cute is that pug with a monocle?  Damn cute, that's how much.  See, this is what I'm talking about, people.  So next year, aim high.  Strive for pranks that make people feel better, or feed them delicious backwards meals that look like something they're not, and are creative, and tasty.

Although my tastebuds would be very confused and suspicious...and I'd probably react with a distrustful "I don't like it" like my three year old niece, but at least I could verbalize to you how much I appreciated the effort.

**Updated: see, I'm not the only one.  Dooce feels my pain.