Thursday, February 28, 2013

Fatty McFatikins

It always makes me sad when people I used to admire make fun of people I currently admire.

Case # 1: Joan Rivers:

I used to think this woman was funny, amusing, the precursor to the lovely Kathy Griffin.  But then she crossed the line.  She made fun of Adele.

A woman who has gone through so much plastic surgery that she resembles more of a puppet than a real human being makes fun of a beautiful, talented, charismatic woman with a god-given ethereal voice?

Why yes, she did.

And so did Case # 2 Seth McFarlane...during the Oscars ceremony, in fact, when Adele was sitting RIGHT THERE.

And although I regret I cannot find a film clip of it, he said, and I quote:

"Rex Reed will be out here to review Adele's performance of 'Skyfall"

Which was referencing this film review that Rex Reed did of Melissa McCarthy.  Obviously, I was not the only one who caught this.

 Seriously, I am so tired of this perception that society has as "fat" people and how they are unacceptable.  Do you see the picture above?  Is that not a gorgeous woman?

It also makes me think of Delta Burke, another gorgeous woman who was constantly ridiculed because of her size.

And Kirstie Alley.

And even Marilyn.

It's an old and tired topic to be sure, but one that I am still affected by, being an overweight gal myself.

I have been overweight all of my life; in fact, in 2001, I had gastric bypass surgery to help me overcome this. It didn't work.  I'm still fat.

I am 41 years old, 5'1", 163 pounds (on a good day), and  full of flab and self-loathing because I feel that I look like this:

When in my mind I should look like this:

And the most frustrating part is that as much as I tell myself that I want to be thin and in-shape for health reasons,  I'm still trapped by that ideal image of a beautiful, wrinkle-free 25 year old that I aspire to be.

And why the age of 25 is stuck in my head as the ideal age is a mystery to me; obviously something for the therapist's couch.

I think my recent overdose of "Scrubs" and "Freaks And Geeks" has affected my:

Mood Ring(tone) Of the Day:

Amused Douche

Can we just take a second to discuss the Top Chef finale?

Let me just back up a moment to say that this is my favorite show on television; I have been a devotee since the very beginning, when Harold Dieterle won way back in 2005, way before the world was introduced to the semi-delights of one Padma Lakshmi.

I have suffered through the Hoseas ,the Kevins, and still...I love this show.  And not just because Tom Colicchio has the most amazing blue eyes since Ian Somerhalder.

But this year, the finale, I don't know...

First off, I am thrilled that there is finally another female Top Chef; it has been a long time coming since Stephanie Izard won back in 2008.  And Kristen totally deserved the win...but I disagree with the voting process this year.

Even though it did include my latest celebrity chef crush, Hugh Acheson, as one of the judges.

This year it was based on a round by round comparison; there was no debate at the end of the 5 course meal, there was a death by elimination factor wherein the judges decided there on the spot which dish was better.  And whoever had the best three out of five was automatically deemed the next Top Chef.

So Kristen won after round four. And Brooke never even got a chance to present her final dish.  So, what, Top Chef is suddenly a death match?

This is where my  mother and I disagree; she approved of the new format, stating, fairly, that normally during the debate portion of the program, certain judges can thereby exert their opinion on other, weaker-willed, easily persuaded judges, and proclaim the winner of their choice.

Fair enough.  But I always enjoy the debate. But I guess the bottom line is this: Tom Colicchio always gets his way.  And he's always right.

And it's near time for Top Chef Masters.  The scary part: Kathie Lee Gifford is signed up to be a guest judge.  *sigh*

Here's hoping this show doesn't jump the shark.

My Mood Ring(tone) Of the Day:

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

I'm sick, leave me alone

So after days of watching people around me call in sick and striving to be the better person, the trend bucker, as it were, I succumbed...and now I'm home "sick" myself.

Which has caused me stress.  You see, my goal at my new job is to be the ideal employee, or at the very least, be the sort of employee that passes right underneath the radar and gets left alone.  Or, ideally, forgotten.

Because this has become my life:

And also because the Rottenator woke me up at 3am to discuss finances because due to a slight miscalculation on his part, we are in the red again.

*sigh*  Seriously?  Just...can'

So after transferring all of his fear and frustration and guilt onto me, he is peacefully sleeping and I am wide awake and slightly panicked.  We will be fine, surely, but once again things are tight.

Short month, purchasing a secondary car that needs repairs, yada yada yada, the perfect solution is to call out from work right?

Right.  Because if it works in the movies, then surely this plan will be as successful in real life.

And instead of relaxing and enjoying this much needed break from payroll, I will spend the entire day afraid of losing my job and getting into trouble.  Because at heart, I am more a Cameron than a Ferris.

But I'm just tired, yo...and sometimes it's hard to stay motivated.

My Mood Ring(tone) Of The Day:

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

An Ode To Two Assholes

And for once I am not talking about the Rottenator.

  1. My tulip tree.
But, let me clarify, and I just found this out!  What we call "tulip trees" in the south are actually these:

Saucier Magnolias.  It makes sense, southern, magnolia, etc.  But this paragraph in particular struck me:

Saucer Magnolias flower here in early March, and flowers appear before the leaves. I call these trees "frost trees" as they always seem to flower and bring on a killing freeze. This habit is their primary disadvantage, as the flowers are blitzed by freezes in one out of every four to five years.  

Yes they god damn do.  The day after this stupid fucking tree bloomed, we were hit by 20 degree weather and the damn blossoms turned brown and fell off.  I didn't even have the heart to take a picture of it, I was so depressed.

This is what it is supposed to look like in full bloom.

But mine never does.  It is the bane of my existence, because I fucking love this tree, it is my favorite type of tree of all times, and it never fails to disappoint.

Maybe because it is delicate and me.

Anyway, one hard freeze later, and the damn thing is dead.  I'm super pissed.  That's why this tree is an asshole.

Asshole # 2:

This is only a minor example of the damage the Nooge has inflicted on Bella Cucina in the two days that the Rottenator has started training on his new schedule at his new job.  Which means that he is not here during the day and there is a slight disruption in the Nooge's routine and he has not reacted favorably.

This picture does not include opened cabinets, bottles of spices overturned, cans of diet coke spilled.

Really, cat?  Two days of being left alone and this is how you react?  Aren't you supposed to sleep during the day anyway?

Well, the Rottenator returns to an overnight shift Sunday night so maybe the Nooge will stop acting out and destroying my house which I am too tired to clean at the moment.

He is currently in quarantine because he has overturned our lamp and busted a light bulb for the umpteenth time and has attacked me every time I dared to move.

I think my friend Birdie had the right idea when she suggested crating.  It can't just work for dogs, can it?

And speaking of, the Rottenator desperately wants one. I am more hesitant.  Mostly, because I am not a dog person.  And they smell.  And I cannot even fathom the amount of damage that will be inflicted upon my house should we disrupt the Nooge's routine even more by introducing a sibling.

He is definitely the ruler of all he surveys and don't you forget it.

My Mood Ring(tone) of the Day:

God, I will never not love Britpop.  It will always speak to my soul.


Friday, February 15, 2013

And another thing...

I first started this blog over a year ago; 02/12/12. And I've kept it up for over a year...albeit just slightly.

Still and all, well done me.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

My Bloody Valentine

My philosophy on Valentine's Day (and feel free to disagree if you dare)...

  1. It is a manufactured holiday created by Hallmark.
  2. It is for women only.
  3. It is a peer pressure competition.
  4. It should mean nothing but it does.
  5. It is the one day of the year where men actually have to take two seconds to think about the women in their lives and appreciate them.
  6. If you claim that you don't want anything for Valentine's Day then you are a female who has obviously had amazing Valentine's Days in your past and that is the only reason why you feel free to not celebrate it this year. Or, you are a big fat liar.
Suffice to say, I did not receive anything for Valentine's Day this year.  And because I have always been the loser fat girl loner who never had an amazing Valentine's Day, I was pissed.

Because this time should be my time, I have a fiance, we just got a bulk of our lost money back, and therefore, I was primed and ready for a semi-decent celebration of my awesomeness.

Alas.  There were no gifts for Kathleen this year; there were no roses or chocolates, or, quite frankly, any celebration whatsoever of my awesomeness. Because the Rottenator was "tired" and he "meant to, but not today, maybe this weekend, it was on his list of things to do..."

Whatever.  Meanwhile I was dealing with a day full of balloons, flowers, chocolates, and edible arrangements confronting me around every corner by every female that ever existed in my office building.

And the endless postings on Facebook by luckier women than I who had the nerve to post pictures of the fantabulous gifts bestowed upon them by their grateful partners.

I believe my breaking point was when I read the post on Facebook by that really annoying girl that I've known since highschool.  You know the one who is still the most useless creature that every existed on this planet whose claim to fame is the fact that she used to eat her own hair?

Yeah, so even she received a beautiful bouquet of roses from her clueless husband. And all that would have made me happy would have been a plastic gas-station purchased rose.  And perhaps a Reese's Cup.  King-sized.

So, okay.  After much suffering, heartfelt apologies and grovelling in general, the Rottenator was forgiven.  And I have been promised that this error in judgement will never happen again.  And that every holiday from Easter until the day I die will be splendiferous.

So, come March 31st, I'd better have a Hello Kitty Easter basket bigger than my head.  And positively overflowing with live bunnies and chicks.

My Mood Ring(tone) of the Day:

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Just Breathe...

Sometimes I forget my own philosophy.  It's the Virgo in me, I guess.  What the above does not say,  however, is that sometimes, you have to take a breath, pull up your big girl britches, grab a faithful companion, and get shit done!

So the money situation is somewhat resolved.  It involved me taking a day off from work, and driving up to our state's capital with a purpose:  I needs my merney!

The IRS: could not get my agent on the phone; bank would not release my money, IRS didn't send over the right release form, back and forth, each blaming the other, I would call it phone tag with the exception being I was the only one making the calls, so bottom line, I hunted that bitch down and showed up in person with one evil looking boy from Alabama and refused to leave until I got paid!

And was home by 11am.  And had my money returned that same day.  Funny how even in the age of new technology, with smart phones, texts, emails, faxing, sometimes the old fashioned approach works the best.

Show up in person with folder in hand and take no shit attitude.

Still, we are out $300 in bank overdraft fees, but we got the big chunk back.  Which is significantly better than nothing.

The worst part of it was (other than the returned check from my garbage pickup which was my final straw) was the fact that it wasn't just my money that was affected.

The Rottenator and I have a joint account, so not only was my paycheck hijacked, so was his.  His hard-earned paycheck from a job he can't stand (which he is soon out of) was eaten up by means of a direct deposit and overdraft fees.

I felt guilty beyond belief; he, however, handled it wonderfully.  Even though this was MY mistake, made long before the two of us even met, he saw it as OUR problem, OUR money, OUR hurdle to get past.

And I love him all the more for that.  Maybe this was a lesson, that I was taking him, and our recently more comfortable life for granted by claiming I was bored, I don't know.  Of course, my boredom could have also been cured by suddenly inheriting a million bucks, but this worked, too.

A heightened appreciation of the Rottenator, and an appreciation of my "boring" and drama free life.  Lesson learned. And I realized, that once again, I do have a support system, people that love me, people that are willing to help out no matter what, and I am infinitely blessed.  PS: thanks Mom.  You know what for. I am, as always, grateful.  And I promise that one day, you will not have to step in and bail out your 40 year old daughter.

Though I'll always be your favorite, right?  ;-)

So, things are better, not completely perfect, but close enough for me to be able to relax for a minute and appreciate.  I've also reached out to a very close friend that I knew over college and through my own selfishness, let the relationship flounder and die.  And they responded favorably, as they always have when I have failed them in the past.

It makes me want to be a better person, and to appreciate people more.  And be more accepting of what I perceive of as "flaws" and "shortcomings" in others.

Because I am far from perfect, and yet seem to be the first one to cast a stone. Empathy, it is MY major shortcoming, because I seem to have very little of it for others, yet demand tons of it for myself.

But I'm learning, and I'm working on it.

Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day!  My sister sent me this:

which was amazingly awesome; have I mentioned that you must be watching the Vampire Diaries?  It is the one hour a week that I can escape the pressures of adulthood and forget myself in teenage drama, and I love it for that.

And the Rottenator and I enjoyed a lovely dinner out; we celebrated early because he's working tomorrow night, but that's okay.  At least the IRS couldn't manage to ruin that.

My (two!) Mood Ring(tones) Of the Day:

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

The gubment do take a bite, don't she?

Remember how I complained recently about being bored?  I take it all back!

My goals for this year included trying to make amends for mistakes I had made in my past.  To continue on a path of being a better person, make amends, become an upstanding member of society, yada yada yada, and then boom!  Your past mistakes catch up with you with a vengeance and despite all of the effort and progress you've made, you're back to square one.  Or, actually, back to square minus 1.

Or, minus every cent in your bank account.

Without going into too much detail, due to past indiscretions, I had managed to rack up a substantial amount of back taxes due to the world-famous IRS.  This was the time to make up for that; the Rottenator and I both have stable incomes, stable jobs, and it was time to repay my debt to society.

I did not realize that society would be so swift and vengeful.  Oh, yes, people complain about how lax and ineffective the US government is, how they take forever to get anything accomplished, but obviously that does not include the swiftness and efficiency they display when it comes to getting paid.

And oh yes, did they ever get paid.

Not two days after filing this year's taxes and contacting an agent to discuss payment arrangements regarding past due taxes, the IRS swooped swept(?) in and summarily wiped out our bank account.


So as I sit here, helpless wondering how we're going to pay our bills, make our way to our jobs, keep our car and our house and even the Nooge, I find myself wondering...why bother?

Why bother trying to be a better person?  To right past wrongs?  To make up for past mistakes? To even have hopeful expectations that this life is anything other than a constant struggle to barely manage to keep your head above water to barely survive?

It would be fantabulous if I were a stronger person, if I could withstand the constant obstacles that life throws at you and still move forward cheerfully, with the faith and knowledge that everything will be just fine.  But I am not.

I can't decide if I am weak, or if I'm just over it.  Like, "been here, done that, finished with the struggling already, please give me a fucking break".

I blame myself. I know that I have dug this hole for myself, but seriously, can't I have two second of being bored without the higher powers stepping in and saying, "Oh, you're bored?  You're not happy with your life?  Well, deal with this then, heifer!"

Doesn't God realize that sometimes you're PMS-ing and you just need to vent, and he doesn't need to go around mucking things up just to make life more "interesting"?

Not that I blame him; I'm too Catholic and too fearful of his wrath to do that, but seriously...I take it back. I take it all back.

Much like the IRS.

My Mood Ring(tone) Of The Day:

Sidebar: did you know that this was the theme song to M.A.S.H.?  That was one of my Dad's favorite shows. For some melodramatic reason that just makes me more sad and depressed.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

I've Got A Feeling It Doesn't Matter

I really need to get back to that thing I was doing for a while where I would just keep myself so busy all day every day that I would fall asleep into bed utterly exhausted, too spent to even allow my brain to wander.

Because my brain wanders into dark and dangerous places when I get too bored and have too much time on my hands, my friends.

The Rottenator got a new job, thanks in large part to moi.  He was miserable at his old job and they were starting to cut back on his hours and working him harder and harder and therefore, not only he was suffering, but we all were.  So, I got to looking, filling out applications, fancied up his resume, and boom, new job and he starts in a couple of weeks.

It will take a lot of stress off of him (I hope) and will mean more income and benefits (actual health insurance and 401k, say WHAT?!?!) so it is definitely a good thing.

My job is finally calming down as well.  The end of the year is nightmare in the tax/payroll area of expertise, but I managed to claw my way through it, and the job is settling back into a comfortable routine.  I take my final test, my "pass or get fired" exam later this month or early next one, but I'm not very worried about it.  And it comes with a 5% raise, so woo hoo.  Things are looking up.

So why am I bored and lonely and letting my mind wander into the Land of Gloom and Doom?  I do not know. I have long ago given up trying to figure out my dark and twisty mind.

The cat is driving me bat shit crazy, I know that.  I don't know if the Nooge is going through a growth spurt or catapause, but he will never let up.  He just...won't...quit.

He is clawy and bitey, and will not settle down.  I have a little side table beside my chair on which I put my drink and remote controls while typing away on my laptop and he is determined to tip it over and push it across the room, and knock shit off of it.  Currently he is running laps around the living room, trying to jump up onto the fireplace mantle, and springboarding himself off of what little bit of my lap isn't supporting my computer and I want to kill him.  God help me and I hate to admit it but only because admitting it probably makes me look like a horrible person, but I am not enjoying him one bit right now.  The only thing that saves his life on a daily basis is the fact that he is not a bad natured kitty and I know that he loves me.  That, and the fact that I couldn't live with myself if I did one day become so enraged that I threw him out to fend for himself then saw a little orange flurry splatter on the road as I drove to work the next day.

That would be devastating, so I will deal with him and his current unpleasantness.

Ah, well.  Tomorrow I will cook chicken alfredo in my oven that doesn't work right half the time and I will refrain from killing the cat who now has turned his attention to our lamp and will no doubt knock it over for the umpteenth time and shatter yet another lightbulb.

My Mood(Ring) Tone(s) of the Day: