LEEP of Faith? No, Death, Definitely Death

So, results back from the doc...

Not bad enough for the insurance to cover the hysterectomy, but enough to cover a LEEP procedure...which yay! Not cancer.  But boo! I could have to possibly have to get this done AGAIN down the road, and let's be honest, it sucks ass trying to get time off from my job, and really not looking forward to seeing the gyno every six months, so quite frankly, I was hoping to get everything ripped the fuck out.

I'm never having kids, no plans to EVER, so why not? Stupid insurance; Doc Awesomesauce says that it wouldn't cover a hysterectomy at this point; test results were abnormal, but not THAT abnormal (obviously there are levels of abnormal in the medical field) which is too bad;  I was looking forward to 4-6 weeks off from work, with people taking care of me, and pain pills.  No such luck.  Back to work in a day or two, which sucks, because I have no sick time left, and trying to schedule off time from work from what is basically a call center is hard as shit.

But whatever.  I'm going to ask Dr. Awesomesauce to recommend that I'm off at least 6 days for recovery...that way I will get paid.  Yes, I'm  working the system, but I'm also a big fat wimp when it comes to pain, so knowing me, I will be wallowing in bed for that long after this procedure.  Because IT SOUNDS HIDEOUS.

But it's not cancer. So that's a plus.


Pre-surgery: Oct 10, actual surgery Oct 15.  Whining and moaning about it: for weeks and weeks after.

Meanwhile, it's almost Friday, and College Football Saturday is almost upon us, so just one more day until the weekend.  It's weird, I've been feeling strangely sad and alone and missing the Rottenator, which is VERY weird, because he's been here and stuff, but I don't know...maybe it's his preoccupation with Grand Theft Auto 5 or maybe it's just the state of mind I've been in, but I've been feeling VERY alone lately.  Doesn't help that we work different shifts, I guess, but it is truly an odd sort of feeling for me, because I usually love my alone time.  Ah, well. Hormones, I guess.  Zoloft cannot take care of everything.  But I'm feeling okay.

Oh, and seriously, why do I like Nicki Minaj? Someone explain to me why I find her so catchy because she is my:

Mood Ring(Tone) Of the Day:

This also brought me great joy this week; it's just fun, and I adore Stephan Merchant.

Thanks for keeping up with me; I'll now go lurk around and keep up with all of you...

Geekology

So, a week from today, I will be amongst my peeps, for it is the weekend of DragonCon, and I am so looking forward to it (even though it means I will miss the opening game of college football, Alabama vs VA Tech, we have that shit handled, so don't give me a guilt trip about not watching it with you, Rottenator, Roll Tide..etc).

And here's the question, which I ask of all Dr. Who fans: how do you get past it? That your favorite actor has been replaced? Oh, don't get me wrong, the concept as far as network television goes, it's brilliant.  You can replace a lead actor at any time if they get out of line, or are feeling ornery, or wanting to bounce, or whatever,  you just boom! Regenerate and then you're on to the next one.

But for the fans...devastating. Let me explain:  David Tennant is my favorite Dr. Who, but when Christopher Eccelston regenerated into him....

A part of me died.  Just saying.

Though it wasn't as devastating as this:

Moving on, I've combined two posts into one because they do seem to connect somehow and have the same meaning, and are funnily enough, all Dr. Who related...did I mention that I'm looking forward to next weekend?  Not only do I get to hang out with my sis and favorite nephew, but we all get to embrace our inner geek, yay!

So, work crap:

What you may see in front of you is a mild-mannered nearly 42 year old who doesn't speak much....inserts her opinion every once in a while when a comment is deserved,  but other than that, sits quietly at her desk doing her job.  But inside....sometimes....she still rages....raging on against the dying of the light.

Funnily enough, Stephen Colbert inspired this part of the post.

http://popwatch.ew.com/2013/08/07/stephen-colbert-daft-punk-get-lucky-dancing-video/

And it was also spurred on by everyone in my team talking about past indiscretions, and my need to feel a part of the group and join in the conversation, because it's funny, these people don't know me like that.
 

Their perception: middle aged woman who doesn't know shit about what the issues that the "young kids" are dealing with nowadays.

Side note and mental check:  most of my team are in their late 20's, and/or early 30's so you're not exactly children. You're not in college anymore people, and you're not that different from me, sorry to break it to you.

BTW: think I passed the second part of my "hey, you're gonna get fired if you don't know the answers to these questions that have absolutely nothing to do with your job."

I'm in the payroll industry, btw...I hate math, and I was a journalism major in college. Life is a helluva thing. For someone who racked up thousands of dollars of debt...to have a job in payroll...without getting into details, check your paystubs, people.  And check them carefully...oh, and pay your taxes.  Because if you don't it will come back to bite you in the ass with a vengeance. 

My outfit for DragonCon:

With this button:

My sister's outfit:

She is either awsesomesauce or a heifer for showing everyone else out...I haven't decided yet...


 

Mood Ring(tone) Of The Day:

PS: Jude, you are awesome!

Confidence, I Needs Some

So tell me..what does it feel like to be semi-successful at a job that you hate? Is it worth it? All of my reviews and call monitoring have been positive (aka "Kathleen is awesome say what?!") but still..the calls they don't hear are filled with self doubt and upper lip sweat.  *sigh*

I hate that this job is affecting me so deeply, but on the other hand, I blame it on the weather and the lack of vitamin D.

That's right people, it has rained 43 fucking days in a row.  No joke; it's probably rained 2 inches in the time it took me to compose this sentence.  How do you lot in the Pacific NW of NA or in the UK even deal with this?  My hair is protesting.

Anyhoo, I know that I should post more often, but there is actually nothing going on other than my daily routine.

I guess I should say:

New Girl: It's on Netflix now; I really REALLY wanted to like this show, but alas, I do not.  It is no Buffy or even Freaks and Geeks...or even Bones...or god forbid, How I Met Your Mother.

 PS for the last one: I forgive you, Willow...and Doogie...moving on...

I'm going to Dragoncon in Atl in September with my family and I need to pick out an appropriate costume. We are going as characters in the Whedonverse, so if you have any suggestions for any costumes for middle-aged overweight red headed women, I'm all ears...and fat rolls.

Meanwhile the Rottenator recently reminded me of this song because he stated that the Animals were the best British-invasion group to ever hit the US...above the Beatles and the Rolling Stones, but you know what, I could not fight him too much because the Animals did rock...

Thus behold, my Mood Ring(tone) Of The Day:  and btw, is it just me or does the lead singer Eric Burdon remind you of a young Gary Oldman?  I'm just saying..of course, I also think that Gary looks like Sid Vicious so who am I to judge....

Life is Life

Recent summation of the events going on lately:

1. Rottenator has decided to go back to school to become a radiology technician...aka "radiologic technologist".
2. My job is still blah.
3. Happy pills seem to be working...with the exception that I'm feeling a little bit aggressive.  Disclosure: anyone else have any experience with Wellbutrin? Or any suggestions of any happy pills that seem to be working for them? Feel free to message me privately.
4. I can't get past level 6 of the retro Buffy game that I bought for the Xbox and therefore, I am again boycotting videogames.
5. One of my work friends is suffering from lupus, and going through chemotherapy and is in daily pain and it makes me realize how ultimately god-awful I am at comforting people.

About #5 up there, well, bottom line, pain and suffering makes me uncomfortable. So I've always taken the role of the court jester.  I'm much better at making someone laugh than commiserating with them in their  pain.  I hope that does not make you think of me as superficial, or not understanding of any their suffering.  Believe me, I do. It's a defense mechanism; I'm working on it. And I really do hope that laughter is the best medicine.

My Mood(ring) Tone of the Day: #1:

My Mood Ring(tone) of the Day #2 (a repeat, but appropriate):

Happy 4th of July!  As you should have probably guessed by this point, I celebrate every holiday there is not so much for the meaning of the holiday as it was originally intended, but more so as the whole festival and spectacular of the whole thing.

And it means that I get a day off from work.  And it also means that people are a little bit happier on this day.  So there you go. Worth a shout out.

And then there's this...

I love the Bloggess.  She says what I wish I could say but she said it first.  And she puts it so succinctly.

Which is why she has a book and I do not...yet...

I recently fought myself out of a deep hole of depression that was affecting everything in my life, and then I got myself some happy pills, and immediately felt better.

Yes, I realize that some of the "feeling better within an hour of taking a pill" was probably psychosomatic, but still, whatever works, right?  Bottom line:  I'm feeling pretty good right now.

As in:  I don't feel that my job is destroying me. I have put that bad boy back in its place:  it is a paycheck, it is a secure job, with possible advancement and decent benefits.  It does not define me, and when I clock out at 6:30pm, I can leave it there.  And I don't cry in the shower every morning before I have to go in just thinking about it.  And seriously, Kathleen, with everything else going on in the world... snap the fuck out of it.

Yes, I talk to myself in the third person.  It's one of the many things that Kanye West and I have in common.  Incidentally, please take the time to read this article; Kanye is crazy.  I love this man and his music is brilliant but he is batshit nuts.  Which is probably why I have sympathy and love for him.

Bottom line: I'm feeling better.  Life is manageable.  And I am reminded time and again of other people who have it much, MUCH worse than myself who still manage to soldier through without a hint of a complaint.

I have a very close "work" friend who has lupus and was recently admitted into the hospital because her kidneys were failing, and she needs chemo.  This very strong woman relayed this information to me very casually from her hospital bed where she was being pumped full of chemicals, and her one request: "just send me some funny messages to cheer me up".

And here I am, my entire family is happy and healthy, and I'm whining because my job may be a little bit challenging.

Whatever.

I have decided to forgive myself (it's easier that way) and focus on the good.  And the funny.

With that in mind, let us all celebrate the fact that I have recently lost 7 lbs by doing no more than "doing" all of my major eating at lunch, and restricting my dinner caloric intake to a minimum...and cutting out the evening snacking altogether.  It sucks, because I do miss my 1am gelato break, but I am willing to sacrifice it in the meantime if this is the end result.


My Mood Ring(tone) Of The Day:

The Reckoning

So, the next two days involve testing to determine whether or not I am qualified to perform a job that I detest.  If I do not pass, I shall be fired.

The sad part is that even though I detest this job, it means very much to me that I pass these tests. Because God forbid I feel the embarrassment of failure.  It's an ego thing; it's not so much about the job, because I couldn't give a fuck about this job, but god forbid I am perceived as a failure at anything...even if it is something that I despise.

So off to bed I got to at least get 7 hours of good sleep.

There are so many thoughts running through my head. *sigh* Depression and hormones are a hell of a thing.  It's been a while since I have been on an anti-depressant but I feel the need to explore that realm of possibility again.  Also, an appointment with a gyno to determine what sort of treatment I need to start to get a hold of this absolutely depressing, frustrating, god-awful mood I have been in.  Especially because it seems that I do not even have PMS to blame.

My Mood (Ring) Tone of the Day:

Nothing New, What's Up With You?

So, a brief recap of my uber exciting life:

I've just finished preparing a ginormous packet of useless paperwork to send to the IRS to prove to them why I can't possibly pay off the exorbitant debt that they claim I owe.  I've managed to make it as confusing and disorganized as possible; payback, you might say, for how I've found their dealings with me when it comes to this situation.

Plus, my income is approximately $30 less than my outcome per month so let's see how they handle that.

Also, I desperately need new clothes.  Like, desperately. I do not know how I managed to overlook this, but I have no appropriate spring/summer clothes.  So I'm danger of either quitting my  job for fear of appearing like a hobbit hobo or dying of heat-stroke because I'm wearing wool sweaters in 80 degree weather.  So, despite the Rottenator's budget, I am going shopping this weekend. 

I had a "WOW" call evaluation at work which probably means nothing to you, much as it means nothing to me other than the fact that maybe I'll be left alone for a minute.  Basically, it looks like I'm fairly competent at a job that I despise.  I don't know how I feel about that.

Other than that, nothing new.

Although, after reviewing my recent posts and Mood Ring(tones) of the Day, I have come to realize that I am this guy:

I'll have to examine that in a future post, how to reconcile my love of Britpop and Rap and the occasional country song into one cohesive summation of my overall being.

But in the meantime, I'll just share this picture of a pine tree that I captured at work the other day.

It is totally giving the world the finger.  I am this pine tree.

And to continue with my seemingly out of character Mood Ring(tone) of the Day, I give you:

Incidentally, this song was played both at my sister's bachelorette party AND her wedding reception.  We are an interesting family indeed.

And Now I Feel Guilty...Like I Need More Of This In My Life....

So the Nooge has an equally annoying and sweet habit of "making biscuits" on any part of my soft and cushy body that he can.

It's very sweet, because it means that he was probably weened too soon, and that he recognizes me as his "mama", so that part is comforting.

The other part is...it hurts like hell because his claws are sharp as fuck, as he is wont to keep them.

Well, tonight he was a little too enthusiastic about his contentment and when he dug in particularly hard, my natural reflex was to smack him away and yell...as one would an annoying and unexpected insect that was causing extreme pain.

And his little face at that reaction when he leapt from my lap and turned back to stare at me with big Puss'n Boots eyes.

And of course I burst into hysterical tears.  Because I am PMS-ing, (I think, maybe, who knows), and because I'm equally annoyed with everything in my life.

My job, where every time you turn around, there's another vaguely threatening email about how you will get fired if you step out of line in anyway; my home life, where I have no energy to clean, so my Virgo side is freaking the fuck out about the dustbunnies and floors that need vacuuming, and the eating of craptacular food because we're saving up for another car.

Incidentally, the Rottenator and I did go to PF Changs the other day, which has been our "go-to-mid-range-not-exactly-authentic-but-always-delicious-Asian-restaurant" and they had updated their menu...which included no-more Wok-Seared lamb, which devastated the Rottenator, and they'd added "Shaking Beef"...which made me violently nauseous at least three times during "Jurassic Park 3-D in Imax".  Highly disappointing for our one and only date-night in quite a few months.

Just another thing to mark on the list of things that are irritating the fuck out of me in my life.

My Mood(ring) Tones of the Day:

Incidentally, did you know that the Violent Femmes did a cover of this song?  Me either!

Which brings me to this:

Bananas in Pyjamas

So my mate Birdie is recovering from a bit of major surgery, and after reading her post, and I hope she's not offended, but it immediately brought me back to memories of this:

Mostly because she spelled it like "Pyjamas" in that wonderfully British/Canadian/Australian way.

And also because I remember weekends at my first job in Atlanta, at WUPA, way back in 1996, when the world was my oyster.  I was working the overnight shift, Master Control, as in, controlling what people saw on their TVs if they happened to be up at 7am on Saturday mornings, or up at night watching infomercials.

Those were the days.

I worked in television for quite a long time.  Hell, I went to the University of Georgia to major in Journalism and my first job in my "field" was playing country music videos overnights at a local station in Athens, GA.

I still have a soft spot in my heart for Dwight Yoakam because of this, but even more so for Lyle Lovett, because his videos tended to run for at least 8-9 minutes and would afford me a brief nap on the couch in the studio in between commercial breaks.

I miss working in television and media.  My current job is so...blah.  Just as I miss working in a big city.  Yes, there are benefits to living in a smaller Southern town: less traffic, closer to my family, more laid back, etc, but I also miss the advantages of the bigger city...and the excitement...and the making near $60k a year when I make half that now.

But life is what it is, and I've done it to myself.  And life isn't all that bad...just a little on the boring side.

But despite what it looks like, I am not complaining, because I much prefer this life to what it was about three years ago.  Every day is another step forward.

My Mood Ring(tone) Of The Day:

PS: I especially love this clip from "Little Miss Sunshine", one of my most favorite movies ever, because I totally relate to the Steve Carell character, and his line in this scene pretty much sums up my feelings about people in general if they dare to cross me or one of my loved ones:

"Those fuckers...I will kill them..."

Random...

Don't know why, but was just thinking about the movie "Slum Dog Millionaire" tonight and how much I really loved it.

And this always puts me in a good mood...

And this is one of my all time favorite songs...

I personally love MIA though she tends to be a divisive figure.  But she had me the moment she sported this awesome outfit:

Off to bed.  This Tuesday wasn't as bad as last Tuesday, but still and all...this is not the most favorite job I've ever had.

I think my Mood Ring(tone) Of the Day speaks for itself...

This Bitch is Bitching Again

So, I still haven't gotten my nails did, but I did manage to clean my bathroom somewhat, so minor success on the not-being-lazy front.

So work, yes, well, today wasn't a bad day, but still I feel like it's killing my soul a little bit more every day.  I really wasn't meant for this line of work.  Sensitive people with low self confidence who take everything personally have no business being in a call center environment where they are trying to help people with a subject that they know little to nothing about.

Oh, and the politics.  As my friend Meryl likes to say, "I've never been good at drinking the company kool-aid" and I am right there with her.  My department is currently going through a restructuring that is not to my liking, full of more responsibilities with the same pay, and I find that it is not in line with my "do the bare minimum" philosophy of just picking up my paycheck every other Friday and sliding beneath the radar.

Here is the scary part of this job: even though I manage to do well on a daily basis, there is that fucking test they make you take which they use to decide whether you are worthy to continue to be employed at this corporation.

The girl who sits in the cube next to me: well she just failed it.  And she's been in payroll for two years.  And she has her CPA. And she finished the test early and actually felt pretty confident about it. Oh, and works part time at H&R Block preparing people's taxes.

My turn is probably coming up in May.  It's funny in a way; I still am not overly worried about it.  I have a feeling I may do fairly well, but you never can tell.  I just think it's bullshit that it doesn't matter whether or not you are good at your job on a daily basis, this company judges you on your score of a single test comprising of 50 questions on a single day of whether or not you'd be a good "fit".

On the plus side, they give you three fucking chances to pass.  And, even though this girl has more experience and probably better training than I have had, I have heard her ask questions that I know the answer to off the top of my head.  So that makes me more confident.

I just wish that part of this thing was over already.  Even though I bitch and moan about this job, don't get me wrong: I am eternally grateful for being gainfully employed in today's economy and I feel very blessed to have been given a second chance.

So here's to passing tests...and a bit of self-confidence...and realizing that you may actually be good at something you never thought you'd excel at.

And once again, I am inspired to present to you my two (!!!) Mood Ring(tones) of the Day:

And this one, a personal fave.  This actually reminds me of my Dad,who loved this musical which is kind of amusing when you actually pay attention to what they're saying and the fact that he was a devout Catholic.

 

Lazy...so lazy...

So, I have stuffis to do but I am not feeling up to it.

I have to get my nails did, these claws are out of control; I have to clean my bathroom, I have to make dinner, but fuck it...I don't feel like it.

Sad, old ass hand

What I feel like doing is watching old (old meaning 80s and 90s) movies on Netflix and sitting here like a blob.  So I shall.

Even God rested on the 7th day, right?

The Rottenator and the Nooge are both asleep, so I am going to sit on my ass and enjoy the relative peace and quiet...until work tomorrow.  *sigh*

I just want to say that although I an grateful for the opportunity and the paycheck, I am just about over this job.

I was not meant for payroll and they have just restructured my department so now instead of just reporting to one manager, I have to answer to five.  Seriously, five.  No more hiding under the radar for me.  It's fine, I'm going to put in my time and maybe move onto something more rewarding.

First world problems, right? I know. I get it.  But still, I can't help wondering if I was meant for something better in this world.

I need to find my purpose.

My Mood Ring(tone) of the Day:

Pumped Up Kicks

Christmas was nice but over too soon.  I did manage to make it to my sister's for a very brief visit but it was awesome waking up and seeing the kids all get their Christmas gifts.

Of which there were many; you can read about that here and see a god awful pic of me as well. I am beginning to think that my sister is passively-aggressively taking out latent hostility towards me which is left over from my supposed torturing of her in our earlier days.  Either that, or she's just not a very good picture taker.  But I love her anyway ;-)

Work is still exhausting.   The Rottenator asked how I could be so exhausted from just sitting and talking on the phone all day and it's kinda hard to explain how mentally draining this job is to someone who doesn't understand it.  Hell, I don't understand what I'm doing half of the time...which adds to the exhaustion.  The best way to explain my job is to imagine sitting for 8 hours a day doing math problems.  Word math problems.  When you're not good at math.

Pretty much sums it up.

So, 2013 is upon us.  And I know, everyone says, "Oh, I'm not going to make resolutions; it's so stupid and predictable and everyone makes resolutions, so I'm going to be different and contrary and not make any."  Well, to those people, I say "fuck off, loser, stop trying to be contrary and different because now the fad is to NOT make resolutions so you're still a poser who's just trying to be different for the sake of being different."

So I'm making them. Because I'm edgy and cool.  I saw this on Facebook the other day and because I was having a particularly bad one where I doubted everything and was hating my life and questioning my existence on this planet and my purpose in life, I reposted it.

And though it may be cheesy and sentimental, I still feel that way.  It's the most difficult resolution of all, however, isn't it?

So, onto other ones, some more or less difficult, some more or less realistic and serious.

In no particular order:

• I'm still kinda serious about the 365 milkshakes taste-test in 365 days. Perhaps it will lead to a book deal and not the life-threatening diabetes which is probably the more realistic outcome.
• Lose (not loose, grammatical idiots) 40 lbs which is in direct conflict with the resolution above.  Also, eat healthier so I feel better and not sickly and tired all the time.
• Doctors appointments: mammogram, physical, gynecologist, dentist, top to bottom check out.  Bloodwork included.
• Celebrate my birthday at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios.  I have not yet celebrated my fourth decade on earth as a monumental occasion, so I may as well make this the one.
• Start writing again; even if that means nothing more than updating this blog more faithfully.  It gives me a creative outlet and keeps my brain from stagnating.

So far, that's the list.  I'm not going to go crazy with it, because then I'll look back on it as a insurmountable, unachievable list of "things I will never accomplish so fuck it all!" and not do a damn one of them, so let's keep it simple, stupid.

So, less of a list of resolutions and more of a touchstone of goals that I need to keep focused on.  That works for me.

Mood Ring(tone) of the Day:

Sidebar: I know nothing of this band, or any of their other songs; I just know that Pandora played it on my station today and I must say: great job Pandora!  Usually the songs they pick for me at random are totally like, WTF, seriously?!?  How do you get Michael Buble from my stating that I like Oasis and Blur, but whatever...

This one was different, though.  Very catchy.  Foster the People.  I'm afraid to research them for fear of ruining my enjoyment of this catchy little ditty.

Update: of course,  I had to read up on the band. Good news: I'm still okay with them!  Better news: I found a song I like that's only a couple of years old.

Kinda funny: they played this song on the Vampire Diaries.  Which explains why I had visions of myself dancing around in my bra and underwear getting drunk with Damon Salvatore.  And why I looked like Buffy Summers.

Ooooh, another update: I'm suddenly 16 years old just looking at these two together.

Another resolution: get really hot, be 20 years old, and have a devastatingly handsome and dangerous vampire boyfriend. Noted.

30 Days of Thanks...in one post or less

Tis the season...

1. My family
2. My job
3. Money
4. Normalcy
5. The Internet
6. Cable
7. Top Chef
8. Brit Pop
9. Razors
10. Makeup
11. Hair Color
12. Bras
13. Insight
14. My Brain...most days
15. The Rottenator...some days
16. E-cigs
17. Buffy
18. New York City & London
19. Cell phones
20. Diet Cherry Pepsi
21. Electricity
22. Freedom of religion, or the freedom not to have any religion at all
23. My country
24. Cars, and the ability to drive them
25. Forgiveness
26. Christmas
27. Snow
28. The ability to appreciate beauty in almost anything
29. Inner peace
30. Spell Check

Money Can't Buy...what, exactly?

Whoever said "Money can't buy happiness" was obviously an obnoxiously rich depressed fuck or some hairy arm-pitted hippy, because, lemme tell you, having a little bit of scratch does make the world better.

No, the Rottenator and I are not rolling in it yet, but our financial situation is more stable than it has ever been in the entire time we've been together, and although we still have our quibbles and squabbles, our relationship is better too.

Because you know what?  Money can buy a reliable car, dinners at mid-scales buffets, a little peace of mind, and lots of cat treats and e-cig accessories.

Which leads to less stress.  And less stress = less violently angry Rottenator which makes the world a more enjoyable place.

The way to a man's heart truly is through his stomach...and his love of football.

Which why this jersey:

And tickets to this game this weekend:

are probably the best purchases of my life.

Other than this:

In other me related news, I had a great time at my sister's house this weekend, babysitting her chirren:

who are just the most hilarious and beautiful children in the word.  It was my sister's birthday, so I purchased these for her (she's a Gamecock and Bill Murray fan, obvs):

In fact, I don't believe I would be exaggerating if I were to say that Bill Murray needs to hire extra security.

Just sayin'.

So anyhoo, things are still going well.  New trainer at work, hurrah!  Which makes it a lot better.  Speaking of that, I think that the US of A needs to rethink it's work schedule.  Or at least my company does, because 4 days on/3 days off leaves me much more motivated.  In fact, even after a weekend away from home, I still managed to do laundry, clean the house, go to the grocery store, and post some mail.  Having a free day during the normal "work week" should be a routine...for me, of course, not for everyone else, because then I wouldn't be able to get my shit done, which would defeat the purpose.


To recap:

New car...

New washer and dryer...

New accessories for the car...

Life is pretty darn okay right now.  Only two things would  make it complete...

New Rottenator and new Nooge?  Say what!??!

I kid...kinda...

My Mood Ring(tone) of the Day:

Mental Block

Remember not too long ago when I was complaining about NOT having a job and having no $?

Well, now I have a job and we have a bit of $ and now I'm complaining about my job, and my weight and my lack of motivation to clean my house so seriously, when am I going to stop whining and complaining and start counting my blessings?

Not today, kiddo, I can promise you that.

This job, OH-EMM-GEE, this job.  Well, not this job as much as this fucking whoremouth passive aggressive bitch from hell instructor I have who doesn't know her ass from a hole in the wall and treats a group of fairly intelligent women like children is driving me batshit crazy.

Completely.  She's awful, GOD awful, I couldn't stress that more.  But I'll sure as hell try.  Let me just say this much: Meryl is consistently making top scores in the class and SHE is going to her manager complaining about this woman.  'Nuff said.

The part I hate the most is that she makes me feel stupid and incompetent.  Not only is she not teaching us the important tools we need to be successful at our jobs, she is teaching us INCORRECT information.  She's twisted and dangerous and not in a fun, exciting way.

I shouldn't let it affect me like it does, but I can't help it.  I don't like feeling stupid, or having people treat me condescendingly.  I'm used to being the condescending, smart one.  So I guess this is karmic payback.

Well, enough already.  Of the karmic payback, that is.  October 1st.  10/1/12 is freedom; we move onto the next phase and have a new instructor.  And I can't fucking wait.  Maybe I'll have the motivation to clean my house by then.  Wouldn't it be nice if the Rottenator would do it for me?

Smiling is a sign of weakness

Doesn't that look like an enthused, strapping young man capable of washing a dish or changing a light bulb or, god forbid, scrubbing a toilet just ONCE? 

I guess not.  That's the face of a weak-stomached individual who got nauseated at the sight of the green goo coming out of a Cadbury's Screme Egg and couldn't finish it after one bite.

I ate two!

His loss, btw.  These things are delicious; another sign that Fall is coming, and not soon enough.  The weather is also getting cooler, which I'm enjoying.

So what am I complaining about anyway?  Not anything of importance, obviously.  But still I do.

Stupid birthdays.

Mood Ring(tone) of the Day:

Boo! On Many Different Levels...

First off, that whole passing tests and doing well at my job experiment?  Yeah, well, no one informed my brain of the decision to continue with this mission, so yeah, I failed my test.  By one freakin' question.  Just one more correct guess, and I would have been like Proactive: useless, but managing to just barely slide under the radar enough so that my incompetence wouldn't be noticed.  Good for him.

Retest in two weeks; at least this time I'll know a little more about what to study even without the help of my evil heifer of a trainer.  Much like last time.  So, not much has changed. Only now, I'm a failure.

Which was confirmed by a recent motivational message posted at my job:

 

Whatever.  I'm tired.  One thing that is not a failure of an experiment:

Verdict: cute and delicious: like me! Despite outward appearances.

Another discovery: the Nooge has proven not to be useless (though still a nuisance as he is currently chewing through the power cord of my laptop): he is a fearless roach trapper.  I would say killer, but he loses interest about halfway through his mission, which is when I swoop in and trap the hideous monster (no, not my kitten, the other one) in a tissue and flush it down the toilet with only a minimum of hysterical shrieking.

Teamwork, we has it!  I would insert a picture of said dead roach here, but that would entail me stopping my panic long enough to snap a photo and that would entail even more shrieking, so you'll just have to imagine it.

**I started this post about two weeks ago; not much has changed except work is still sucking, I really need to go to the dentist, and my house is even dirtier than it was two weeks ago. I'm in a funk, and not in a cool. Funkytown kinda way. I miss having friends.  I miss going to nice restaurants and trying new foods, and seeing movies and watching interesting television shows and discussing them ad nauseum. I miss spending time with people I have common interest with, not people who try to support me in my interests, and hobbies, but deep down, don't "get them"...or me. I'm tired of eating at restaurants with buffet, corral, or barrel in their names and gagging down mediocre or outright disgusting "food". I'm tired of feeling middle-aged, though I guess I technically am.

Yes, first world problems, I have them. Or the birthday blues. Whatever.  Oh, and I'm tired of hearing "things could be worse".  Yeah, I know, I remember, I was there.

Things could also be better.



Mood Ring(tone) of the Day:

Count Blah

Glad to know I'm not the only one in a funk.

And also good to know it's not entirely period, job or life related.  It's those god dang planets.  And the weather.

So you know how you start a new job and you have high hopes that this is going to be the ONE? The life changer, the new career path?

Yeah, me neither.  Well actually that's not entirely true. I had a job once where I had high hopes that it was the ONE.  Well, it turned out (through both its fault and my own) not to be, so I floundered around for a while (you know, almost dying, wasting my life, working retail...actually those three things could be one in the same couldn't they?) until I found this one and I thought...

Okay.  I can do this.  It's a job, pays pretty well, good benefits, kinda-sorta similar to what I've done before, low key and low pressure, I'll take it.

Well, it's kicking my ass.  And it's not even the job yet; it's the training of the job that I'm finding hard to deal with so what the HELL is going to happen when I actually start the job itself?  I dunno...I hope I can handle it.  I'm filled with self-doubt, not necessarily about my abilities...well, that's not true.  I do doubt my abilities.

I hear all the time "you're smart, you'll get it, you'll catch on, you'll be fine" but I'm not as young as I used to be kiddos, and my brain realizes this.  Unfortunately.

It doesn't help that my trainer sucks and even the people who claim to be struggling and not "getting it" seem FAR more advanced and further along in their knowledge and abilities than I.

And it doesn't help that the one guy who started with me, Little Man Tate, certified idiot, has done better on our assessment test than myself.  It sucks.  He sucks, he doesn't give two shits about this job, and is excelling.  What...The...Hell...I don't get it.

I have my second test next Tuesday.  And I hope I'll be fine. It's not the "if you fail, you get fired" biggie exam, but it's still pressure.

So I'm glad to know it's the planets working against me.  And I'll be happy for the long weekend...that I'll probably spend studying.

Is it Friday yet?

Here's this, which I thought of when I titled this post; I'm probably the only person on the planet who remembers and loved this show (Seth Green can do no wrong).

My Mood Ring(tone) of the Day:

Quick aside: this is my 100th post.  A minor milestone of sorts.  Hurrah.  Wish it wasn't such a downer.

What's New, Pussycat?

So, this happened:

Luckily, I did indeed pass my own work test, so I can relax now for about six weeks until the next one...whatever, but it's over.

Speaking of work, my new BFF work buddy Meryl* is also a smoker, but has started the transition to E-cigs and she let me test smoke one of hers for a few days and let me just say...I really love it.

http://www.volcanoecigs.com/inferno-kit-1041.html

It's semi-stylish, and it gets the job done.  A quick little nicotine buzz without all the nasty smell, smoke, and carcinogenics, just as bad (good?) for you as a diet cherry pepsi...which I am also trying to phase out in the form of water.

Soon, I will have no more vices...with the exception of peanut butter & jelly ice cream.

So, my sister has introduced me to MyFitnessPal which I'm going to give a try; it's a free calorie and exercise tracker so I hope to lose this extra 30-40lbs before my regaining gets out of control.  It seems reasonable enough; now all I have to do is really get serious about counting my calories and doing something about this because I'm really getting angry with myself.  I've been eating so much, and so often, I've almost forgotten what it's like to feel really hungry.  I'm more accustomed to what it feels like to be uncomfortably full, which is certainly not healthy.

You know what's also not healthy?  Cats on kitchen counters.

Oh, hai, welcome to Kitty Yoga!

 

 

 

Let me just clean up a bit first then we'll get started!

The Rottenator is already talking about having second thoughts about the "snip snip".  I, however, am counting the days.  I wonder if they offer a two-for-one deal (or would it be considered four-for-two?)


*not her real name, but she's as fabulous and dramatic as a young Meryl Streep, so that's how I shall refer to her.

My Mood Ring(tone) Of The Day:

Take Me Down To Funky Town

Not quite the same thing, but you get the idea.  I have been in a funk the past few days.  Without going into specific details, it probably has something to do with this which is all I can attribute to the unbearable pain I've been in.  Yes, it's all fun and games until it becomes a big pain in the butt..ba da bump.

I have been under a lot of stress lately.  First world stress problems, but still.  Between the Nooge, who is completely out of control, the Rottenator who has not yet recognized that I'm now working full time too and he needs to step up his contributions to keeping up the house, and the new job, which is scary, unknown territory that is punctuated by tests.

That's right, tests.  As in "pass this test or get fired" kind of tests.  My first one is tomorrow, and although it's not the one that could lead to my unemployment, it is still worrisome because I hate to fail anything.  And, it's been about a million years since I've actually had to take a test that didn't involve blood sugar levels, blood pressure, drugs, you get the idea.

Not that I don't test well, I do, but this material that we're learning is not something that I'm comfortable with; it doesn't come second nature to me, translation: it has to do with math, and forms and figures, all things that I've avoided at all costs my entire life because math is hard, y'all.

So all of this combined stress is leading to the physical breakdown of my body which is leading to the mental breakdown of my brain, which is not good for tomorrow, and is not good for my psyche, because when I don't feel good physically, I tend to get depressed.  I tend to get maudlin and reflective ("I'm so old, what have I done with my life, look at where other people are at my age, why have I fucked up so badly, put myself in such a hole I'll be struggling to get my way out until I'm dead, why haven't I accomplished a damn thing, or made a difference, or been important, why did I let my dreams die?").

Et cetera.

And btw, Facebook does NOT help with this, because when I get in this kind of a mood, I do the worst possible thing which is to look up all my old friends and acquaintances from high school and college and check out their status updates...and compare my life to theirs...and comparatively, my life sucks ass (there it is again).

And when I'm like this, there's really nothing that anyone can say that will make me feel better...well, that's not entirely true.  There probably is something that someone somewhere can say only they haven't said it to me yet.  And God knows the Rottenator, bless his heart, is the WORST at offering words of comfort (and wisdom, for that matter):

"You just can't let it get to you."

Really?  REALLY?  THIS from the boy who has been known to throw an Xbox controller across a room and stomp off because he lost a stupid football game.  A VIDEO football game.  Okay, yeah, I'll just let it go and "not let it get to me".

And the Nooge...*sigh*. It has been a loooong time since I've had a kitten, and now I remember why.  My last cat, Chairman Miao (angel) was big, fat, lazy, and super chillaxed.  This...kitten...is insane.  Like, insane to the point that he's taking me with him.  He is one big bitey clawy mess of spastic energy that gives me a nervous tick whenever I look at him.  It is constant.  He will not leave me alone for anything.  3am, he's in my face, he sleeps on my pillow, he eats my feet, he's all over my computer, my food, everything.  It sounds cute, but the state that I'm in, I want to open the door and just let him barrel out of it.

I'm so stressed out this 3 lb. furball has me in tears...literally.  He just...has...to...calm...down.  I can't take it.  There's a reason I never have children...I don't like babies.  Of any kind, obviously.  Too much trouble and mess.

So, there's all that.  And instead of studying, I'm writing this blog.  Because at least writing will help me find the humor in some of this right now.  And life with the Nooge isn't all bad....there is at least a 15 minute period of the day when it's actually pleasant.

Yes, this entry is indeed asstastic..asscentric, even.

And because I'm feeling nostalgic (translation: old and broke down), I've picked a video to match.  It reminds me of the kind of high school I always wanted to go.  The kind of high school that only existed on movie screens and in the mind of John Hughes (RIP).

My Mood Ring(tone) Of the Day: