Afraid To Admit I'm Bovvered...

One of the most annoying things I find about life is that the very second you have that thought of "hmmm...I'm feeling a bit bored right now", it  doesn't hit you with a "Hey! You just won the lottery!" Or even, "Hey! You just won a $150 free grocery card!" or even, "Hey! You just won a vacation package to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter (if only)!"

Life is more likely to reward you with a "Hey! You're being audited by the IRS!" Or, "Hey! You're getting fired from  your job!" Or even, "Hey! You have a tumor!"

So I will refrain from saying that I'm rather bored with my daily routine right now for fear of some astronomical catastrophe befalling me, but I would like to say...I'm bovvered.

I've had enough drama in my life to not wish any more upon myself, but I'm really...bovvered by my job; by the most exciting decision I have to make is to choose which all you can eat buffet I want to patronize; by which of the three articles of clothing that actually fit I decide to wear today.

And if you mention anything about Kathleen having "first world problems" I will stab you in the face with an icepick.

Did I happen to mention I may be a wee bit hormonal, and if this period doesn't hurry the fuck up,  there is going to be a bloodbath...no pun intended.  All Rottenators and Nooges better heed this warning.

My Mood Ring(tone) Of The Day:

We Are More Beautiful Than We Think...

I don't care if the basic idea of this project was to sell a product, this is one of the most amazeballs marketing campaigns I have ever seen, and I think that all women should have some sort of evaluation of themselves done by someone other than themselves.

Because we are our own worst critics.

And we are all beautiful.  It stuns me that we can see the beauty in other people that we love:  we can overlook the receding hairlines, the pot-bellies,the gray hairs, the wrinkles, the pimples, the saggy skin of our loved ones, but then we look in the mirror, and that's all we see in ourselves.

I am my own worst critic.  But I can honestly tell you that every person that I love in my life, I find beautiful and I don't even think about the other very superficial things that I hate about myself when I see them.

And not to exclude anyone, but we chubby girls are the WORST when it comes to that. Not that I blame us completely; society has always told us that we are ugly, that we deserve less, that we are the lowest of the low.  And we bought into that.  And walk around with our heads hung low, shoulders hunched over, trying to not be noticed.

Well, fuck that.  I'm not saying that I'm going out and buying a tube top and a mini-skirt tomorrow, but at the very least, I am going to go out and feel okay about my gray roots and my flabby thighs and drooping boobs.

And I just may put a bejeweled crown on my head and a blingy Hello Kitty necklace around my neck because why the hell not. I've earned it.

My Mood Ring(tones) Of The Day:

Born In The Wrong Country...

I am British at heart.  Always have been. I don't know where I get it from, really, probably from my dad, but I have always been drawn to the culture across the pond, as it were.

My Dad was an Anglophile as well.  I was first introduced to Dr. Who via PBS when I was a mere babe.

Tom Baker was my first Doctor.

Though David Tennant is my favorite.

Benny Hill was my first introduction to British comedy (although I still don't get the appeal; too slapstick for me, but so are the Three Stooges, which my Dad also loved, so there you go.  Male humor at it's worst).

But then came MTV...and the Young Ones...

And Billy Idol...

And Sting and the Police...

And then...Oasis and Britpop happened...

Oh my God did I love Liam Gallagher.  I mean, yes, Sting was my celebrity crush for many years, but Liam was the shiz-zit.

By the time I happened upon Liam, I was a professional celebrity stalker and one of the proudest moments of my life was tracking him down in NYC at his favorite hangout, the Irish Pub, and approaching him whilst he was singing along with his own music on the jukebox.  I told him how awesome he was and gave him an uncrumpled American dollar so he could play more of his own songs just to watch him enjoy himself.

He was very sweet and Mancunian mumbly. I was very Southern and nervous so unfortunately, it did not work out for us. Such is life.

I think Britpop is the music that will always define my life.  I think we all have those moments in time that we hold onto; probably when we were in our "prime"; for me, it was the early to mid 20s.  When I still had hopes and dreams and thought I was going to be something special.

Not a middle-aged woman working in payroll.

Whatever.  Life is full of twists and turns and I wonder how many of us turn out the way we think we would.  I guess I will never be the celebrated writer-slash-amazeballs-chef living in New York City married to a British rockstar, but still...maybe in the next life time.

Meanwhile, I shall leave you with my four most favorite British Ring(tones) Of the Day...my only regret is that I never saw all four out of four live in concert.

Jarvis Cocker, you owe me one.

Fuckin' Hormones, Man

Seriously, is it almost 11pm?  It feels like I just got home from work.  I didn't even have to make dinner tonight and time has still flown by.

So, let's talk about this period thing. I hate it.  I hate everything about it, I'm so sick of it.  I'm sick of the inconvenience of it, the mess of it, the what-the-fuck-I'm-over-40 pimples of it, cramps, bloating, exhaustion, and the erratic mood swings that have become more extreme and intense the older I've gotten in what are hopefully the waning years of my fertility.

I used to get so irate, so offended when I was having a particularly bad day and some insensitive fuck would say, "What, are you on your period?"  How very DARE you!

But turns out...yeah, actually, I probably was, or more accurately, about to be.

And what's worse is that it seems my PMS is getting longer.  Now, it's nearly two weeks of depth-of-despair moods where I'm crying in the shower for no reason, Britpop nonstop on Pandora to remind me of my misspent youth and the general "oh my god, is this really my life?" gloom.

I still hold onto the thought that those feelings are rooted in reality to some extent, that I am dissatisfied with my life in some way, but most days, I can handle it.  I certainly don't want to kill myself over it.

Side bar: I totally just had an image of Sylvia Plath flash into my brain.  I just know that bitch was PMS-ing when she shoved her head in an oven.  In fact, right after I had that thought, I googled the Bell Jar and pages such as "suffered from severe PMS" and "books to avoid reading when you're PMS-ing" came up, so there.  Noted.

I'm very tired tonight, so this is a short post, but one of my resolutions for 2013 is to write more regularly, so I'm sticking to it.

Incidentally, two of my long-standing resolutions did not have to make it to the list this year: to quit drinking and quit smoking. Drinking is a thing of my past, and I haven't had a real cigarette in over 5 months.  Oh, I have not given up my nicotine, but my e-cig is doing the job wonderfully.

Seriously, if you know of any smokers, I highly recommend getting them to try this.  It's sooo much safer than the real thing.  For both the smoker, and quite frankly, for you. 

Meanwhile, the Rottenator and I recently went to eat at one of our favorite chinese buffets and when we opened our fortune cookies, these were inside:

How cool, right?  The SAME fortune!  Normally my fortunes say things like "You need to improve your exercise routine and stop eating at so many buffets, fatty" but this one was badass.  Mostly because the Rottenator looked at me and said "Harry Potter, here we come!"

Actually what he probably said was "Yep.  Orlando trip" or something succinct like that, but I knew what he meant.

My Mood(ring) Tone of the Day:

My musical taste is well rounded, yo.

Love and Hate

Stealing and slightly modifying an idea from one of my favorite bloggers, I've decided to create a list of things that I LOVE that other people hate.

1. Candy corn: it's dividing, I know.  You either love or hate candy corn.  I happen to love it. Even more than candy corn, I love the little pumpkins that are made from the same sugar, corn syrup with a little bit of honey (healthy!) sludge.  LOVE it!  
2. Mayonnaise: I order extra mayo on stuff.  I love it, can't get enough of it, don't care if it's unhealthy and fattening, I would slather that shit on a piece of cardboard and eat it if I could.
3. Cooking shows: Top Chef, Master Chef, Top Chef Masters, Hell's Kitchen, Kitchen Confidential, if it involves food and cooking, count me in!  Which leads me directly to:
4. Reality television.  My guilty pleasure. Not the normal "so you think you have talent well you don't so get the fuck off of my TV" shows, but stuff like Project Runway, Long Island Medium, Flipping Out, Real Housewives of Wherever, Say Yes to the Dress, Hoarders...I blame Bravo and The Learning Channel.
5. Cats.  Don't have any use for dogs, but I do love kitties.  Even the Nooge (aka my Katten) who is currently crawling all over me and biting and clawing.  He's lucky that he is occasionally sweet and often amusing...I guess it's his survival instincts kicking in or else he would find himself out with the trash.
6. Decorating for the holidays.  I will use any excuse to make anything sparkly, or light up, or glittery.  I would decorate for Labor Day if I could, but I'm not sure how to make union workers more festive...bedazzled hardhats perhaps?
7. Grocery shopping: the grocery store is my mecca.  It is my moment of zen, where I find my inner peace.  Probably because it's the only time I'm able to spend by myself with no distractions or annoyances like pets or fiances.  Also, I'm surrounded by my favorite thing in the world: food.
8. Citrus flavored desserts. I would choose a lemon pie over a chocolate pie any day.
9. Country ham: smells like week old road kill, but it is so salty, dry and delicious.  However, even I can only stomach it once a year (traditional Christmas breakfast!)
10. Cigarettes: yes, I've basically quit smoking, but I still miss it sometimes.  Not the smell, but the whole routine of it.  Which is why I have my e-Cig.  Though it's still not the same thing.  No matter how many different flavors I try (peanut butter and cake batter are two new faves), there is a relaxing sensation that comes with smoking a real cigarette that I still miss sometimes.  But not the possible lung cancer or emphysema that may eventually follow it.  I'll do just fine without those.

Not much more to say tonight; in fact, the above list was one that I started a few days ago and decided to go ahead and post as I don't have much more going on.  While the fall is definitely one of my favorite times of year, it also makes me melancholy for some reason.

My Mood Ring(tone) of the Day:

PS: Did I mention that I love Chris Martin?  He is funny and brilliant.