Seriously, how do you guys with kids do it? Because I can barely spend a day with the Nooge without wanting him to die in a violent "accident".
Oh, yeah, sure, he looks innocent, but trust me, he is not. He is 20 lbs of furry evil. I don't think it's a coincidence that his birthday is April 20th.
You know who else was born on April 20th?
I'm just sayin'...we have not had a good weekend together.
Also, the pollen is out of control down here. Have you ever seen pollen underneath a microscope?
This is why I can't breathe and my eyes are red and burny. And yes, I feel sympathy for those of you who are still experiencing an ass-load of snow when it's supposed to be spring, but our very mild winter means that the pollen is out of control.
The following videos express what we're experiencing down here; just imagine billions of those little fuckers invading your sinus cavities and clinging on for dear life.
So, due to unforeseen complications such as not being able to breathe, and PMS-overload, I'm taking a day off from work to sit. Not that I haven't just spent a weekend of sitting, but I think one more day might do me...so I don't end up like this...
Don't get me wrong, I do love living in the south, and I love all the pretty little flowers of spring. The tulip trees, the azaleas, the daffodils and whatnot but OH MY GOD:
Everything is covered with this yellow crap down here. We had an incredibly mild winter so everything is blooming full force and although it is going to be spectacular and beautiful, I will not be here to enjoy it because I will have suffocated underneath all of this pollen.
Incidentally, have you ever seen pollen underneath a microscope?
This is the nasty stuff that attaches itself to your lungs and mucus membranes and everything else and causes you not to breathe for a good four months out of the year.
However, I guess I shouldn't complain because I know that even though we are officially into the Spring season, Mother Nature is not recognizing this fact in many areas of the US of A.
Meanwhile in Florida (Florida, are you serious?!?!)
So I guess I should keep my mouth (and nose) shut and just be thankful that it's not bitterly cold and snowy and icy down here because in general, Southerners do not handle any adverse weather conditions very well when it comes to operating moving vehicles.
In fact, this pretty much sums up Southerners reaction to any inclement weather:
Roll Tide.
Anyhoo, I have spent my day doing absolutely nothing; it is gray and damp here which is preventing me from my normal spring cleaning OCD fit, so I will just sit and enjoy my marathon of Buffy courtesy of Netflix.
Incidentally, I am also watching Curtis Stone on Food Network, so that affects my Mood Ring(tone) Of The Day:
Which leads me to this:
I'm beginning to think that there is not one aspect of my life that cannot be appropriately captured in an episode of "Scrubs" or "Buffy" or in the movie "Office Space".
I worked all day, came home, made chicken pepperoni for the Rottenator, and checked up on Facebook to see all of the exciting plans that my friends and family had for the evening and realized: this is going to be my life.
For good or for bad, this is it. I always get down after the holidays; this year is no different. I'm still sitting her, less than an hour until 2013, hoping that something will happen. The Rottenator will have tucked away a small surprise, gesture of love or affection, but as he stares transfixed at yet another football game, the likelihood of that happening lessens.
So tomorrow, I will get up, I will clean the house, make the traditional Southern Good Luck New Year meal of ham, collard greens (my first attempt at this hideous concoction), hoppin' john, and cornbread and go to sleep and prepare for another day of work.
Rinse and repeat.
This year, I am sober, relatively healthy, relatively comfortable, and still filled with an unshakable, nagging depression that just won't go away.
I hope it is the holiday blues, and I truly hope that this New Year brings everyone health, happiness, love and life.
Well, I'd like to take a minute to bitch about the religious agenda. More specifically, the Southern Baptist political agenda of a certain church that exists right down the street from me.
Yes, Breezy Hill Southern Baptist Church, I'm looking at you.
It seemed innocent enough. For weeks they have been creating this grand spectacle of lights. SO grand, in fact, that I made the Rottenator stop by one night before they'd even opened so we could get a closer look. We were hurried out, politely but firmly, and told to return the following Wednesday when they officially opened . The Rottenator had to work that night, so I waited...patiently...every night, passing by this on the way home, taunting me with the wondrous spectacle I would soon be able to explore.
Fast forward to Friday. It started off well enough. This is the archway you walk through to (supposedly) get to the wondrous display.
And then, to further tease us...
But then...a problem...you can kinda see it in the second picture up there...
Oh yeah. You were not gonna get out of this without hearing the word of the Lord, heathen. It was then that I began to realize that there was no Santa in sight in this cacophony of lights.
The second not so subtle hint came when we were corralled like cattle into a building that was eerily reminiscent of Jonestown.
Yes. Sit and listen to our message and then maybe we will allow you to be thrown onto the back of a tractor and hurdled through a maze of lights at breakneck speed where you will be treated to refreshments at the end of it.
The Rottenator was not having it, and I for once, was with him. Bear in mind, he was only there out of protest because of me and my love of all things sparkly and bright, so he was ready to snap anyway.
Besides, we had a barbeque buffet to get to that he had been fantasizing about all day and god dammit, we were not going to miss it.
So after we walked the walk of the Damned back to the parking lot in the opposite flow of traffic, I had a few minutes to indulge my disappointment...and then I got pissed.
But even as I wrote that previous sentence, I'm now thinking...WHY exactly? Why am I pissed that this church decided to put on a light (free, mind you) display in order to recruit welcome visitors to their place of worship and perhaps gain a few members?
I shouldn't be, I guess. There were no false pretenses. I mean, there were no signs saying you would have to sit and listen to a few Christmas songs before enjoying the lights, but hey, it is a church, a Southern Baptist one at that, and I should have known that there is always a catch or a hidden agenda when it comes to those people.
And if it seems that I'm bitter towards Southern Baptists in particular, you're god damn right I am. I've known more than a few Southern Baptists in my time and have always found them to be the most judgemental self-righteous people on the planet who are more than eager to tell you that you are going straight to hell if you don't believe in their doctrine completely.
But it's not just them; it's organized religion in general that I have an extreme distrust and dislike of. Because much like political beliefs, there is no actual logic behind them. It has always been my policy to avoid discussing religion and politics with anyone I don't know very well because there is no rational thought process involved when it comes to beliefs and you are not going to change anyone's mind, and someone is gonna get pissed off, so why bother?
Especially as I am usually the one who ends up pissed off, and no longer respecting or liking someone I once considered a friend or relative.
So it's safer to leave those two topics off the table.
Bottom line, the first attempt at Christmas light viewing was a bust. Except for the occasional view of a tackily decorated house in my neighborhood, because lemme tell you, no one decorates like a low-income person. I mean that it the best possible way. Why is it that the more money you have the more boring your Christmas decorations become? I have no time for white lights or Martha-Stewart-esque natural wreaths. Bring on the multi-colored seizure inducing explosion of color, that's what I'm talking about!
So, we're going to try again tomorrow. To a more secular celebration of the Holiday Season.
So, Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I have to say...it went better than expected.
Not that the Rottenator wasn't horrible. Lemme tell you, that one was trying to get out of going to my fam's house until the very second we were in the driveway and he was pouting: "You don't care, you don't care, I don't want to do this and you just don't care!"
Well, it's too late now, buddy, get out of the fucking car.
And though he would never admit it, he actually had (dare I say it) a good time. At least a good time for him.
But the weeks leading up to it, his impending doom, were god awful. He was like a petulant child, a loud bully, and a grumpy old man all balled into one.
I really wasn't sure if our relationship was going to handle it. He did not understand how important him meeting my family was to me, and I had no idea of the sheer panic and terror coursing through his veins at the very thought of spending the day with a "bunch of strangers".
He honestly almost had a heart attack. I have been known to suffer from a bit of social anxiety myself, but never had I witnessed someone about to have a full blown panic attack over the thought of, in my eyes, hanging out with people who are basically going to be a part of our lives for a long, long time.
Sickly green, clammy, sweaty, riding in silence, I was beginning to wonder if it was really worth it. But I also knew that once he got there, it would be fine. It would be good for him, and it was completely necessary if we were going to be together.
Melodramatic on both of our parts, I know.
But it was such a good time. My sister and brother in law were the perfect hosts, and by the time the day was ending, there was smack talk about upcoming football games (thank God everyone's teams won), and the Rottenator was helping himself to food and walking around, and my niece, the 6 year old flirt, was flinging stuffed animals in his direction.
All signs of a successful gathering. And the best part? I didn't have to suffer any consequences! In fact, I was told that even though it certainly wasn't going to be an every weekend kind of a thing, the Rottenator wouldn't be completely opposed to attending such an event again! And no, I do not have any photographic evidence to prove that this momentous event actually happened, because I didn't want to push my luck, so you'll have to just take my word for it.
Needless to say, I am thrilled. I can't promise a Christmas reunion this year, but the possibilities are endless.
Speaking of Christmas, what the fuck is this?
Sacrilegious, that's what it is.
Also speaking of Christmas, because of this:
We will not be having a tree this year. Bummer. I love a Christmas tree, but I also don't want to spend every second of every day keeping a certain someone from knocking it over or climbing up it. So, plans are in the works to have a tree outside on our side porch.
In the meantime, I've got this on our front door:
And I've decorated every inch of our house with lights. I took most of these pics in the dark, because the lights are so much glowier that way (except the first one, obvs...)
And now...to the worst part of the holiday season.
We ventured forth to the 9th circle of hell (aka Walmart) to witness the spectacle of Black Friday because the Rottenator had never witnessed it before. As he watched with open-mouthed shock at the dregs of humanity that knocked each other over for $5 video games, I stood out of harms way and took horrified pictures.
This is the exact opposite of what I think the holiday season should be about.
See, I love Christmas. The Rottenator does not understand this because he does not have happy memories of Christmas. To me, Christmas is not just about giving gifts, or getting great bargains, or Santa, or Jesus, or the lack thereof.
I still hold onto the belief that Christmas is the time that we, as people, (in general), treat each other as we should treat each other every other day of the year. Yes, I have worked retail during the holidays, and, yes I have been yelled at or cursed out because we didn't have the newest or hottest toy in stock at rock bottom prices for parents consumed with the obsession of fulfilling their little spoiled brat's every superficial dream.
But still I manage to hold onto the feeling that at Christmas: everything is beautiful and sparkly, and magical, and if it makes just one more person treat another a little better than they normally would on an average day, then it's worth it to celebrate. No matter what religion you follow...or don't follow.
Cheesy? Probably. Sappy and sentimental, absolutely. And I don't care.
I mean, seriously, watch this video and tell me you don't feel a little bit happier today.
Stealing and slightly modifying an idea from one of my favorite bloggers, I've decided to create a list of things that I LOVE that other people hate.
Candy corn: it's dividing, I know. You either love or hate candy corn. I happen to love it. Even more than candy corn, I love the little pumpkins that are made from the same sugar, corn syrup with a little bit of honey (healthy!) sludge. LOVE it!
Mayonnaise: I order extra mayo on stuff. I love it, can't get enough of it, don't care if it's unhealthy and fattening, I would slather that shit on a piece of cardboard and eat it if I could.
Cooking shows: Top Chef, Master Chef, Top Chef Masters, Hell's Kitchen, Kitchen Confidential, if it involves food and cooking, count me in! Which leads me directly to:
Reality television. My guilty pleasure. Not the normal "so you think you have talent well you don't so get the fuck off of my TV" shows, but stuff like Project Runway, Long Island Medium, Flipping Out, Real Housewives of Wherever, Say Yes to the Dress, Hoarders...I blame Bravo and The Learning Channel.
Cats. Don't have any use for dogs, but I do love kitties. Even the Nooge (aka my Katten) who is currently crawling all over me and biting and clawing. He's lucky that he is occasionally sweet and often amusing...I guess it's his survival instincts kicking in or else he would find himself out with the trash.
Decorating for the holidays. I will use any excuse to make anything sparkly, or light up, or glittery. I would decorate for Labor Day if I could, but I'm not sure how to make union workers more festive...bedazzled hardhats perhaps?
Grocery shopping: the grocery store is my mecca. It is my moment of zen, where I find my inner peace. Probably because it's the only time I'm able to spend by myself with no distractions or annoyances like pets or fiances. Also, I'm surrounded by my favorite thing in the world: food.
Citrus flavored desserts. I would choose a lemon pie over a chocolate pie any day.
Country ham: smells like week old road kill, but it is so salty, dry and delicious. However, even I can only stomach it once a year (traditional Christmas breakfast!)
Cigarettes: yes, I've basically quit smoking, but I still miss it sometimes. Not the smell, but the whole routine of it. Which is why I have my e-Cig. Though it's still not the same thing. No matter how many different flavors I try (peanut butter and cake batter are two new faves), there is a relaxing sensation that comes with smoking a real cigarette that I still miss sometimes. But not the possible lung cancer or emphysema that may eventually follow it. I'll do just fine without those.
Not much more to say tonight; in fact, the above list was one that I started a few days ago and decided to go ahead and post as I don't have much more going on. While the fall is definitely one of my favorite times of year, it also makes me melancholy for some reason.
My Mood Ring(tone) of the Day:
PS: Did I mention that I love Chris Martin? He is funny and brilliant.
Oh, yeah, sure, he looks innocent, but trust me, he is not. He is 20 lbs of furry evil. I don't think it's a coincidence that his birthday is April 20th.
I'm just sayin'...we have not had a good weekend together.
This is why I can't breathe and my eyes are red and burny. And yes, I feel sympathy for those of you who are still experiencing an ass-load of snow when it's supposed to be spring, but our very mild winter means that the pollen is out of control.
