Abby Normal

So, finally got my lab results back from the gyno appointment I had last Monday.  Good news: blood work came back fine; thyroid, cholesterol, blood sugar, blah blah blah, all awesomesauce.  However, there seemed to be some concern with my pap smear:

The first words out of the nurse's mouth: "Now, I want you to put all thoughts of cancer out of your head."

Me: "Oh my fucking god, I have cancer."

She assured me that this was more common than one would think; in fact, she's already called three other patients and given them the same news.  Which only means to me: "Great...we are the three out of five that have cervical cancer."

So, I'm due back in on the 16th for a colposcopy (not to be confused with colonoscopy but near about in the same nether regions), and I'm actually okay with this; much better mine frame than one would think because, hey, cancer: it's old news in my family.  Meaning, it runs rampant throughout my relatives both here and in the beyond, so I feel more than prepared to handle any news they give me after the results.  Even though it did concern me a little when I told the nurse I would "see if I could get off from work" on the 16th and she said: "Um...yeah...see what you can do about that."

Hmm...okay...well, done then.

Nothing else to report except that I started watching Homeland and it's SOOO good!  I forgot how much I loved Damian Lewis. The show is brilliant; good summer watching since there's fuck all else on except for Top Chef Masters.

Meanwhile, I'm still planning on going to Dragoncon with my sis and fam, and she has ordered a dress from Lameasaurus on Etsy.

The dress she ordered was this one:

How absolutely adorable is this?  Now to decide...to dress up or not...

My Mood Ring(tone) of the Day:

Happy Happy Joy Joy!

This chemical imbalance b.s. has gone on long enough.  So, I procured some "happy" pills from the resident doctor, and I hope they do the trick.  At least until my gynecologist appointment in July, where I expect a thorough up and down examination of what exactly is wrong with me.

My hormones are out of whack.  That I know.  It's going on nearly three months since "Aunt Flo" or whatever, my god damn period, has happened, so I know that my hormones are completely unbalanced.  I have all the PMS symptoms without the "relief" as it were, so as well as mental issues, there are also physical ones that need to be addressed.

And no (Mother), I am not pregnant.

About three years ago, or close to, I almost died, and stuff, and I'm pretty sure it wrecked havoc on my body, so early menopause would not be a surprise at this point.  And I have made arrangements to have this confirmed and/or denied, but the earliest appointment I could get is in late July, and my brain was not about to have that shit.

It was all like, "Hey! Pay attention to me!  Because you know how you were all depressed in college and you were Emo and everything when back then it was just called Goth and you thought you were cool, well, it's not so cool anymore, missy, because you're nearly 42 years old, and now it's just called pathetic...and kinda sad.  And you don't want to be that middle-aged chick freaking all the youngsters out at the newest, hippest club while they roll their eyes and try to avoid eye contact with you and barely move their bodies to old school Joy Division songs...that they think they invented."

My brain tends to ramble.  And is obviously quite the fan of run-on sentences.

BTW, the best part about this video is this is EXACTLY how I used to dance.

Besides...I gots bills to pay, and adult responsibilities, so seriously, I need to get my shit in order.  So, I have taken the first step in doing so.

Drugs.

Helluva thing.

Unlike Rick James, I have decided that legal anti-depressant drugs may just be the answer, so I'll keep you posted on how this turns out.  I think it's a positive step.

And I apologize ahead of time for my COMPLETE self-absorption lately and my ignorance of all of my friends and relations, online, or offline.  I promise to do better.

Don't feel too bad; the Rottenator has felt it too.  Incidentally, he just got new glasses because his eyes are "shaped like footballs" or so his opthamologist (optometrist?) told him.

Meanwhile, I do not find it ironic at all that the Rottenator, who bleeds college football ("Roll Tide!") has "football" shaped eyes.

He is very excited about his new "crystal clear" vision.  It's like a whole new world.  Something that others in this household have taken for granted since, oh, BIRTH.

At least the Nooge aka "Fatboy" will no longer have the visionary advantage in this household.

Today was a day with promise.

My Mood Ring(tone) Of The Day (see how I did that?)

Afraid To Admit I'm Bovvered...

One of the most annoying things I find about life is that the very second you have that thought of "hmmm...I'm feeling a bit bored right now", it  doesn't hit you with a "Hey! You just won the lottery!" Or even, "Hey! You just won a $150 free grocery card!" or even, "Hey! You just won a vacation package to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter (if only)!"

Life is more likely to reward you with a "Hey! You're being audited by the IRS!" Or, "Hey! You're getting fired from  your job!" Or even, "Hey! You have a tumor!"

So I will refrain from saying that I'm rather bored with my daily routine right now for fear of some astronomical catastrophe befalling me, but I would like to say...I'm bovvered.

I've had enough drama in my life to not wish any more upon myself, but I'm really...bovvered by my job; by the most exciting decision I have to make is to choose which all you can eat buffet I want to patronize; by which of the three articles of clothing that actually fit I decide to wear today.

And if you mention anything about Kathleen having "first world problems" I will stab you in the face with an icepick.

Did I happen to mention I may be a wee bit hormonal, and if this period doesn't hurry the fuck up,  there is going to be a bloodbath...no pun intended.  All Rottenators and Nooges better heed this warning.

My Mood Ring(tone) Of The Day:

Flames...

Seriously, how do you guys with kids do it? Because I can barely spend a day with the Nooge without wanting him to die in a violent "accident".

Oh, yeah, sure, he looks innocent, but trust me, he is not.  He is 20 lbs of furry evil. I don't think it's a coincidence that his birthday is April 20th.

You know who else was born on April 20th?

I'm just sayin'...we have not had a good weekend together.

Also, the pollen is out of control down here.  Have you ever seen pollen underneath a microscope?

This is why I can't breathe and my eyes are red and burny.  And yes, I feel sympathy for those of you who are still experiencing an ass-load of snow when it's supposed to be spring, but our very mild winter means that the pollen is out of control.

The following videos express what we're experiencing down here; just imagine billions of those little fuckers invading your sinus cavities and clinging on for dear life.

So, due to unforeseen complications such as not being able to breathe, and PMS-overload, I'm taking a day off from work to sit.  Not that I haven't just spent a weekend of sitting, but I think one more day might do me...so I don't end up like this...

My  Mood Ring(tone) Of The Day:

The gubment do take a bite, don't she?

Remember how I complained recently about being bored?  I take it all back!

My goals for this year included trying to make amends for mistakes I had made in my past.  To continue on a path of being a better person, make amends, become an upstanding member of society, yada yada yada, and then boom!  Your past mistakes catch up with you with a vengeance and despite all of the effort and progress you've made, you're back to square one.  Or, actually, back to square minus 1.

Or, minus every cent in your bank account.

Without going into too much detail, due to past indiscretions, I had managed to rack up a substantial amount of back taxes due to the world-famous IRS.  This was the time to make up for that; the Rottenator and I both have stable incomes, stable jobs, and it was time to repay my debt to society.

I did not realize that society would be so swift and vengeful.  Oh, yes, people complain about how lax and ineffective the US government is, how they take forever to get anything accomplished, but obviously that does not include the swiftness and efficiency they display when it comes to getting paid.

And oh yes, did they ever get paid.

Not two days after filing this year's taxes and contacting an agent to discuss payment arrangements regarding past due taxes, the IRS swooped swept(?) in and summarily wiped out our bank account.

Every...fucking...cent.

So as I sit here, helpless wondering how we're going to pay our bills, make our way to our jobs, keep our car and our house and even the Nooge, I find myself wondering...why bother?

Why bother trying to be a better person?  To right past wrongs?  To make up for past mistakes? To even have hopeful expectations that this life is anything other than a constant struggle to barely manage to keep your head above water to barely survive?

It would be fantabulous if I were a stronger person, if I could withstand the constant obstacles that life throws at you and still move forward cheerfully, with the faith and knowledge that everything will be just fine.  But I am not.

I can't decide if I am weak, or if I'm just over it.  Like, "been here, done that, finished with the struggling already, please give me a fucking break".

I blame myself. I know that I have dug this hole for myself, but seriously, can't I have two second of being bored without the higher powers stepping in and saying, "Oh, you're bored?  You're not happy with your life?  Well, deal with this then, heifer!"

Doesn't God realize that sometimes you're PMS-ing and you just need to vent, and he doesn't need to go around mucking things up just to make life more "interesting"?

Not that I blame him; I'm too Catholic and too fearful of his wrath to do that, but seriously...I take it back. I take it all back.

Much like the IRS.

My Mood Ring(tone) Of The Day:

Sidebar: did you know that this was the theme song to M.A.S.H.?  That was one of my Dad's favorite shows. For some melodramatic reason that just makes me more sad and depressed.

Fuckin' Hormones, Man

Seriously, is it almost 11pm?  It feels like I just got home from work.  I didn't even have to make dinner tonight and time has still flown by.

So, let's talk about this period thing. I hate it.  I hate everything about it, I'm so sick of it.  I'm sick of the inconvenience of it, the mess of it, the what-the-fuck-I'm-over-40 pimples of it, cramps, bloating, exhaustion, and the erratic mood swings that have become more extreme and intense the older I've gotten in what are hopefully the waning years of my fertility.

I used to get so irate, so offended when I was having a particularly bad day and some insensitive fuck would say, "What, are you on your period?"  How very DARE you!

But turns out...yeah, actually, I probably was, or more accurately, about to be.

And what's worse is that it seems my PMS is getting longer.  Now, it's nearly two weeks of depth-of-despair moods where I'm crying in the shower for no reason, Britpop nonstop on Pandora to remind me of my misspent youth and the general "oh my god, is this really my life?" gloom.

I still hold onto the thought that those feelings are rooted in reality to some extent, that I am dissatisfied with my life in some way, but most days, I can handle it.  I certainly don't want to kill myself over it.

Side bar: I totally just had an image of Sylvia Plath flash into my brain.  I just know that bitch was PMS-ing when she shoved her head in an oven.  In fact, right after I had that thought, I googled the Bell Jar and pages such as "suffered from severe PMS" and "books to avoid reading when you're PMS-ing" came up, so there.  Noted.

I'm very tired tonight, so this is a short post, but one of my resolutions for 2013 is to write more regularly, so I'm sticking to it.

Incidentally, two of my long-standing resolutions did not have to make it to the list this year: to quit drinking and quit smoking. Drinking is a thing of my past, and I haven't had a real cigarette in over 5 months.  Oh, I have not given up my nicotine, but my e-cig is doing the job wonderfully.

Seriously, if you know of any smokers, I highly recommend getting them to try this.  It's sooo much safer than the real thing.  For both the smoker, and quite frankly, for you. 

Meanwhile, the Rottenator and I recently went to eat at one of our favorite chinese buffets and when we opened our fortune cookies, these were inside:

How cool, right?  The SAME fortune!  Normally my fortunes say things like "You need to improve your exercise routine and stop eating at so many buffets, fatty" but this one was badass.  Mostly because the Rottenator looked at me and said "Harry Potter, here we come!"

Actually what he probably said was "Yep.  Orlando trip" or something succinct like that, but I knew what he meant.

My Mood(ring) Tone of the Day:

My musical taste is well rounded, yo.