Episodes

So, I'm watching the Emmy's and realized that I no longer watch enough television to relate to the Emmy's or even really enjoy them anymore.  I blame television programming more than I blame myself.


Even though I did take the advice of a friend and finally caught up on this show called "Episodes" on Showtime starring Matt LeBlanc from, ironically enough, Friends.  Of course, it's on Showtime, so I guess all television is not bad...just network television.


Here's a clip from the episode I related to the most because it dealt with LeBlanc's growing old and getting fat.  Unfortunately, I couldn't find a clip of the very end, where he's watching old footage of himself while eating an entire cheesecake, but this was funny too.

This was my birthday weekend, and overall, it was a success. My sister did a particularly excellent job of celebrating the wonder that is me by providing a Pinterest worthy spread of Japanese food, including crab rangoon dip, pb & j sushi rolls, beef skewers with yum-yum sauce and a Hello Kitty cake!

As my brother-in-law said, "just what every adult needs".  Indeed.  I even shared my rings with my nieces...some of them.

Oh, and when I arrived back at Bella Cucina, I found two big boxes awaiting me and they contained these wondrous delights:

Purple retro diner barstools!  They are totally awesome sauce, and expertly put together...by me...alone.  Which is why they are put together correctly...unlike our new entertainment center...which is put together assbackwards...with unpainted particle boards staring out at me like ugly scars that haunt my nightmares.  Yes, I'm looking at you, Rottenator.  With your non-direction reading, no-patience having ass.

These chairs, however, are perfect and beautiful and I've made myself nauseous and almost barfed numerous times by spinning around in them and sitting up really high so I can pretend I'm tall.  They're also Nooge-approved.

More angles from which to attack.

I also got two lovely cards; one from my niece, the Artist-Futurally-Known-As-Victoria:

And even the Rottenator showed he had a heart:

Though this doesn't make up for the fact that he also ate the leftovers of my birthday dinner behind my back and polished off the White Chocolate Reeses but left the empty bag in the candy drawer.  WTF, doesn't he know me and my food issues by now?!!! Whatever.

I also bought myself some birthday goodies.

Finish date TBD

Shark Footie Pajamas!

Cute, right?

These are not, unfortunately, Nooge-approved.

Protective gear

And I'm finally joining the Smart-world; only 1 gig too late, but I'm still excited...

I'm purple, biatch!

So perhaps I'll soon be able to post pics with better quality than these:

Let me help you with that typo.

All in all, a successful birthday, so there's no reason to feel depressed and anxious...none at all...

My Mood Ring(tone) of the day:

Sealed With a K.I.S.S.

So...more about my life with a 10 year old's tastebuds.

God knows I love the Rottenator. But God also knows that I love cooking.  Hence the dilemma.

I adore cooking.  I spend hours planning meals, grocery lists, scouring the internet and Pinterest for the best recipes that I lovingly prepare with my own little hands in Bella Cucina for our little family of two (soon to be three, but more on that later).

So imagine my dismay when I proudly present my latest masterpiece and it is met with a tepid response.  Or, even worse, a visible shudder.

My delicate little heart is broken.  Especially because the meals I research are not for me, oh, no, they are intended to delight a certain individual who, despite outward appearances, is a picky eater.

Oh, yes. The Rottenator does not have what I would call a refined palate, but he has a definite list of likes and dislikes.

Likes: chicken, cheese, bbq sauce, bread, with an occasional ground beef or pork chop thrown into the mix, and all-you-can-eat generic buffets.
Dislikes: everything that makes life worth living sour cream, cream cheese, Ranch dressing, mayo, soy sauce, anything healthy.

Therefore, my options are limited, and my creativity is stifled.  And I feel frustrated and stabby instead of appreciated and cherished.

Fine.  I'm making a decision and taking a stand.  If I do continue to feel like cooking after my full-time employment begins, I will implement the following plan: K.I.S.S.  Keep It Simple (for) Stupid.

Yes, I am a little bitter.  That tends to happen when you steal someone's joy.

How I'm feeling today (yes, three videos, one for every letter in PMS):

Thinterest Fail

Now, some are going to call me a hater for dissing all of these Pinners trying to be healthy, and I say to you...yes, that's exactly what I'm doing.

Yes, I understand the desire to be healthy and thin.  Hell, I'm always going on and on about how I want to do that myself.  And I'm going to, dammit.  I hear the Y calling my name as I type this.  First paycheck = Y membership.  I cannot WAIT.

Do not, however, mistake this as an opportunity for you to get it twisted.  Yes, I recognize that in order to get healthier and fitter, my eating habits will have to change.  I will probably employ in the near future some of the techniques and recipes that I am about to mock.

What I will NOT do is lie to you.  I will not claim that the following recipes are "just as good as" or "better than" the real thing.

Because let's face it people:  Pam cooking spray will never be butter.  Skim milk will never be cream.  Stevia will never be sugar.  Crystal Light Appletini Mocktail mix will never be vodka...though it may tempt you into becoming an alcoholic, I don't know, I'm not you.  That's between you and your God.

I have exposed some of these food fabrications in the past, compelling posts proclaiming that tofu is not meat,  much as cauliflower is not real steak.  You know what else cauliflower is not?

Mashed potatoes.  Hey, don't get me wrong, I like cauliflower, I will happily eat it steamed, or munch on it raw with some bad ass dip, but it is NOT the same as mashed potatoes.  Mashed potatoes, really good mashed potatoes, are like a religious experience.  So I'd appreciate it if you didn't desecrate my place of worship (aka my plate) with your false god.  I asked for Yukon gold, not a golden calf, thank you very much.

Hey, you know what else?  Zucchini can not, and will not EVER be pizza crust.  Um...it doesn't even RESEMBLE pizza crust, so what exactly are you trying accomplish here?

I would at least use squash if I were trying to pass this off.  At least squash is no stranger to being a wheat substitute.

That being said:  squash is not even in the same food group as god damn spaghetti!  It just looks like it and nothing, NOTHING you tell yourself is going to change that.  It's like eating a cupcake shaped meatloaf: in the end, it still tastes like meatloaf, and now you've traumatized an innocent 3 year old child.  Congratulations.

Hey guess what?  A box of cake mix, frozen berries and diet 7-up does NOT a cobbler make, despite what Weight Watchers and their Almighty Point System might tell you.

Also, this in no way resembles any fudge I've ever seen, so stop lying to the desperate sweet-toothers out there, American Diabetes Association, with your deceptive pin.

Last I heard, the very definition of the Spanish word "queso" was cheese, so WTF is Veggie Queso?

According to this Pinner, a sludge of white beans, cashews, yeast and coconut milk will deliver to you that same cheesy goodness and save you from the evil cows and their brew of poisonous dairy.

Speaking of insidious and evil vegetarians:

You can thank me now for your nightmares.  You're welcome.  Hey, at least I just showed you a picture of veggie man, at least you're not an 8 year old child and this was your birthday cake because your parents are stupid, self-righteous hipster vegetarians who think that the best gift they could give their future EMO child is the gift of knowledge and healthy eating instead of teaching them the evils of consumerism and corporations like Disney and Warner Brothers so no Ariel or Jasmine, or Harry Potter, or Batman birthday cake for you, son/daughter (we don't buy into gender specific stereotypes anyway)! 

Well, Crunchies, you certainly did teach your child one valuable lesson: the world may be full of its own horrors, but they will never compare to the horrors of middle school and high school.  Those years are difficult enough without you piling on your self righteous crap to ensure that your child will be an outsider, on the fringe, anti-social.  Sure, sometimes you get some really interesting cool kids; the ones of us that do survive being different often become quite successful members of society, and go on to write creative and entertaining blogs for all to read and enjoy.

But you're taking a chance.  Because you know what else may come from being a little "too" different?  You ever see Bowling for Columbine?  Just saying.  Also, you may want to go ahead and reserve your tickets for the sequel to Bully now because I'm pretty sure you just guaranteed your child a starring role.

That concludes today's edition of Pinterest Fails.  You're welcome.

How I'm feeling today:  she may be a diabetic heifer but she's right about one thing:

The Final Fron...ten

Let's wrap this bad boy up, shall we?

21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?

This is a tough one...I went through the various options: mind control, reading people's minds, the power to making people's brains explode, flying.  But I don't know...

• mind control: I would be WAY too dangerous to be entrusted with this shit.
• reading people's minds: I don't think I really want to know how people feel about me...after all, that's why I avoid confrontation now.  Besides, I saw that Buffy episode; that shit will drive you nuts.
• flying: I used to think I wanted to fly because then I could travel ALL around the world, but what's the point of being able to fly and travel if you don't have the $ to enjoy yourself?  Which leads me to my superpower of choice: 

Invisibility.  Because if I could make my self invisible at will, then I could steal all the $ I needed to travel wherever I wanted to.  Win/win.

22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?

• I can't even fathom thinking about this one.  I've learned my lesson about even thinking about where I'll be tomorrow, much less 5 years from now.

23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.

• Cooking: it relaxes me, and I love to feed people and make them happy because that's how I show my love.  It's a very unhealthy relationship with food, I recognize this.
• Gardening: I like creating things that are pretty.
• Pinterest: it really does make you feel productive and creative though you're doing nothing but sitting in front of your computer.
• Reading: escaping into a fantasy world for a few minutes is always a nice diversion.
• watching TV: it serves as pleasant background noise.

 24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now. 

• Huh...I'm not quite sure how to answer this one.  Depends on your definition of family.  I live with a member of the opposite sex now, which, growing up with nothing but girls in the house, adds a whole new ick factor that I'm not accustomed to because boys are messy and gross no matter what age they are.  Oh!  I guess the question means your "original" family, like parents and siblings.  Well, we're not all crammed into one house together anymore, so that's different.  The good part about that is that I think we're closer now because of it.

25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?

• King Henry VIII of England; I could totally go for one of those big ass royal banquets.

26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?

• That any "one" religion is the ONLY religion.  That you can't be a kind, decent, spiritual, loving, respectful person unless you conform to their particular belief system.  Organized religion, and I include all faiths in this, has really fucked the human race up.

27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?

• My eyes.  I've got really good eyes.  You really can tell a lot about somebody by the look in their eyes.

28. What is your love language?  

• What the fuck is a love language?  Is it a foreign language that I love?  In that case, Italian.  A language that I love in my native tongue?  In that case, vulgar.  This is a stupid question.

29. What do you think people misunderstand most about you?

• I think that most people, especially those that don't know me very well, think that I am a lot nicer than I actually am.  I'm really quite the intolerant bitch.

30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

• I'd be happy just being remembered at all.

10 More Fascinating Facts About Me

To continue from yesterday's riveting post...

11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.

• Sneezing too loud
• Farting in front of me
• Leaving crumbs on the newly cleaned kitchen counters
• Tracking in sand across the newly mopped and swept floors
• Brushing your teeth and leaving the toothpaste in the shower
• Eating my food
• Using my shit in general
• Picking fights with me for no reason just because you're "bored"
• Monitoring my monetary spending habits
•  Not throwing away empty containers of anything...ever.

12. Describe a typical day in your current life.

• Wake up grumpy
• Cigarette and diet cherry pepsi and silence
• Shower
• Wash dishes, or clean up various rooms of the house if needed
• Check Facebook
• Check Pinterest
• Check email
• Watch taped shows on television
• Plan dinner
• Look at stuff on internet I can't afford to buy
• Make dinner
• Clean kitchen
• Wait for death

(Hopefully I'll soon have more exciting activities to fill my day...fingers crossed)

13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have. 

• Ankles
• Low self esteem
• Extra sensitivity to criticism 
• Extreme non-confrontation
• Red velvet anything

14. Describe 5 strengths you have.

• My intellect
• My compassion
• My cooking
• My fiscal budgeting...though this took YEARS to develop
• My ability to make very thorough lists

 15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?

• A shark, because every other living thing on the planet would fear me, and I could eat whatever I wanted, and be at the top of the food chain

16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?

• Recovering from near death
• Spending New Year's Eve in London
• Being in NYC around Christmas time
• Successfully stalking many celebrities
• Waking up every morning and not completely giving up hope that it will get better

17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?

• Any athletic activity of any kind

 18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?

• Myself, for my past mistakes...still working on it

 19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?

• New York City...that has never changed.  I would need lots of $ to live there, but I've always been drawn to that city.  I used to think London, but there's an intricate part of Americana in me that I won't give up.  I'd travel to London, but not live.  New York is just...it has a bit of everything, and speaks to me.

20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.

I don't know how significant these are, but these are the first memories that came to mind when thinking about this question.

• Getting dressed for Sunrise Service one Easter at my grandparents' house at the Beach.  It was SO cold & dark, we got dressed in front of their old pot bellied heater
• Getting lost in the mall while under the watch of my Godfather...I think it's the only time I ever saw him mad at me
• Shooting a BB Gun into the lake with my father

Final 10 coming soon to a blog near you...probably really soon, actually.  I'm particularly bored and anxious today...not an ideal combo.

30 Things...About Me, Duh!

So, I got this idea from Pinterest...

"What, wait? You got an idea from Pinterest?  Get OUT!"
" I know, right?!"

And I found it rather nifty.  Basically, it's a "30 Questions" game you play with your significant other, or honestly, anyone you're interested in really, and it's a way of finding out different things about them.  I may try this with the Rottenator later, but being that this blog is Kathleen-centric, I've decided to answer these questions for myself and post them here because I find myself quite fascinating.  This may be a three part series; questions 1-10 today.  I encourage everyone to do this, especially if you're getting old and senile like me.  This gets those ol' brain synapses firing.

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.

• I'm left-handed
• I'm a Virgo
• I am an Anglophile
• I am a secret Sci-Fi/Fantasy geek
• I think that Buffy is the greatest show that's ever been on television
• I should have gone to culinary school instead of college
• I spent many formative years being a celebrity stalker
• I used to write quite extensively about what my perfect fantasy life would be
• I'm 40
• I almost died in January 2011
• I haven't been back to NYC since before 9/11
• I've been to London twice
• I was born in Germany
• I have never wanted, and will never have children
• Although non-practicing, I still consider myself Catholic
• I love holidays and birthdays
• My dad died of cancer two weeks before my 13th birthday
• I cry every time I think about my kitty Chairman Miaow
• I now embrace being born and raised in the South
• I never thought I would but I love college football and I love the Crimson Tide & Nick Saban

2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

• I'm scared of monkeys.  There's a picture of my dad holding me when I was maybe one or two and there are monkeys all over the place; I guess we were at a zoo or something in Germany.  Maybe I was almost trampled but I've hated monkeys ever since.
• I'm scared of driving; I've been in numerous car accidents, most were my own fault, so it stands to reason that it may happen again.
• I'm scared of any type of confrontation or yelling.  I grew up in a house with a parent with a bad temper who yelled a lot, so every time someone gets mad at me, I get panicky.

3. Describe your relationship with your parents.

• My dad died when I was 12; we were very close so that sucked and probably fucked me up for life.
• My mom and I are closer now that I'm older; I can pretty much talk to her and tell her everything.

 4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

• Take this summer between school years, and diet and exercise.  You will save yourself years of pain; pretty people really do get more breaks in life.
• Don't smoke that cigarette.  Smoking may look cool at 16; it does not so much at 40.
• Don't take that drink.  It will lead you down a very destructive path.  Don't worry; if you take my advice about diet and exercise, you'll still be invited to all the cool parties.
• Fuck college, go to culinary school.  It's the right choice.
• Don't stop writing.  You're damn good at it.  In fact, here's an idea to think about: try writing a story about an orphaned boy wizard who goes to a magical school and has to fight an evil wizard to the death.  Something to consider.
• Try not to lose contact with your friends even if you go off to a different school.  You'll end up missing them.
• Continue to be your own person and have your own interests even if no one around you shares them.  You'll eventually meet people who do, and they will be cool as fuck.
• Be nicer to your younger sister.  She's going to be your best friend when you get older.
• Do NOT get more than one credit card when you turn 18, and if you don't have a job, don't get one at all.  You'll be amazed at how important good credit is later in life.  Bad credit: that shit doesn't disappear overnight, believe that.
• You don't have to be perfect.  No one is.  So don't stress so much about living up to impossible expectations.  And accept that other people won't either.  Everything's not as black and white as you think.

5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

• My house
• Cooking
• Being in relatively good health

Huh...I'll have to come back to that one...

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced? 

• Starting over life from scratch.

7. What is your dream job, and why?

• I would love to have my own catering business.  Cooking relaxes me, and cooking for other people makes me happy.

8. What are 5 passions you have?

• Cooking
• Top Chef

Huh...another one I'll have to come back to...sensing a pattern here...

9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how (in no particular order or importance).

• JK Rowling: the woman was homeless and creating a universe on scraps of napkins over free cups of tea in a pub for God's sake...don't ever give up the dream.
• The Rottenator: Saturdays Down South wouldn't be the same without him
• My Dad: I think I get my sci-fi/anglophile thing from him
• Joss Whedon: another creator of another of my favorite universes
• A: the older boy that I crushed on in high school who opened up a whole new world of music to me with one mix tape
• Ms. A: a high school teacher who treated me as more than just an annoying teenager she was forced to teach
• The Frugal Gourmet: he opened up a whole new culinary world to me
• Every gay man that I have befriended at many different stages in my life: they opened up a whole different, fun, exciting, accepting world to me
• Sting: he helped me through some difficult years and I thought I'd love him forever.  I still know most of his songs by heart
• The friends I met in college: they were the first friends I ever had that were from places very different from where I grew up.  They expanded my horizons by showing me that the Southern way wasn't the only way.

10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.

• I don't know you well enough to reveal that, but trust me, it's a doozy.

Pinterest: DO NOT DIY

Oh, Pinterest, how I love you.  You are much better than Facebook, so entertaining, a veritable fount of informative, crafty, imaginative, impossible ideas that no one could ever achieve in even 100 life times.  You fascinate me, and you fuel my dreams of becoming an organized, crafty, happily married, chef goddess with creatively inspired imaginary children.

You are also an endless source of humor and information, like the entire internet wrapped up neatly in one little board.  A catch-all of sorts.  Like the WebMD or Wikipedia of craft...or, in oft cases, crap.

I submit to you the following Pinterest Fails, all culled from the DIY/Crafts category:


(Sidenote: fount? oft? culled?  Check me out, I'm all poetical and shit)

The enthusiastic Pinner proclaims this to be "cute and fun"!!!  I proclaim it to be "cheap trash I forgot to recycle".

It's painted paper plates on a empty paper towel roll, lady.  FYI, Walmart has a ring toss on sale for $5.  Just saying.  It's recyclable too, and doesn't look like you pulled it from a dumpster, so everybody, including the environment, wins!



Question: What the FUCK is up with people making their own god damn footwear by using "repurposed" materials?  Is the economy really that bad, or are you just really that fucking bored?

And once again, for future reference, before posting pictures of your stank ass feet, make sure you get a proper pedicure, because let's face it, feet are ugly.  And granted, the ribbon girl obviously got her toenails did before the foot fetish photo, but that fucking blue strip of satin might as well be a rubber band.  She's got it cinched so tight she's cutting off the circulation to her cankles.

Speaking of cutting off circulation:

Hey now! What the...why exactly is this on the DIY board?  Obviously, this is the very opposite of a DIY project.  Turns out, it actually leads to a blog about learning all natural pain management techniques without the use of medications, but still...quite unexpected and startling when pinned next to a pic of a cute baby in a knit acorn hat.

Speaking of babies:

This is obviously not a cute baby in an acorn hat, but I was okay with that, because I figured it was mis-categorized and supposed to be on the Humor board, so I clicked the link, expecting to enjoy a hearty laugh at the expense of children and parents alike.

In fact, I'll break my own rule and post the link to the actual blog so you can read it for yourself.

http://www.raisinggodlychildren.org/2011/03/25-ways-to-provoke-your-child-to-anger_23.html


Huh...so...it's NOT a joke?  Interesting.  Then why the hell heck (whoopsie, language!) would you post such a hilarious picture?

After reading it, I finally understood why it was tagged under the DIY heading.  It's how to raise your own serial killer.  I get it!


Touché, unintentionally ironic Pinner.  Touché indeed.


Honorable mention on this edition of Pinterest Fail goes to Mrs. Michelle Seigler for her "Make Your Own Baby Wipes" pin.

Yes, I've read the step by step instructions.  Let's go ahead and admit that there's no way you'll ever do this yourself.  Besides...there's probably a sale on baby wipes at Target, and I'm sure that finding a Target is way more convenient than finding your own coconut oil.  You're still a great mom.  ;-)

I'll Settle for those Beans

So, lately I've been scouring the internet on my ongoing quest to create delicious, cheap, not necessarily nutritious dinners that are a winner with all the members of this household (the boy doesn't eat sour cream, ranch dressing or mayo and calls himself Southern, wtf), and I've come across another one that is indeed, a hit.  And like all of "our" current success stories, luckily it is easy enough while still satisfying my joy of cooking and spending time in my favorite room in the house, Bella Cucina.

Behold:  Old Settlers' Baked Beans.

Click here to observe the original recipe for this meal which I've heavily borrowed from but slightly modified in order to suit our tastebuds.

Side note: I don't know why I've never thought of this before, but just because a recipe has a 5 star rating doesn't mean it's an overwhelming hit.  Reading the reviews is actually quite helpful, though I must say, this one sounded pretty darn good on its own.  The main differences that I made after following the review suggestions are cutting the sugar quantity slightly, frying the bacon separately, and using 1 lb. versus 1/2 lb. of ground beef.

So here it is; serves 4.

Ingredients:

1 lb. ground beef
4 strips bacon
1 med. onion, chopped
1/4 c. sugar
1/4 c. brown sugar
1/4 c. ketchup
1/4 c. bbq sauce (store bought; I used a hickory smoked flavor)
1 T. yellow mustard
1 tsp lemon-pepper seasoning
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
1 tsp seasoning salt
2 T. chili sauce
1 16 oz can pork and beans, undrained
1 16 oz can kidney beans, rinsed and drained
1 16 oz can Great Northern beans, rinsed and drained


Preheat oven to 350°.  In a large skillet, fry bacon strips until crisp; set aside on paper towel to drain.

In same skillet, brown together ground beef, onion, Worcestershire sauce & seasoning salt until beef is done through, and onions are soft and translucent. Drain all fat.

In a bowl, mix together both sugars, ketchup, bbq sauce, mustard, lemon-pepper seasoning, garlic powder, & chili sauce.  Add beef mixture and stir thoroughly.

Crumble bacon into bits and add to beef/sauce mixture.  Add all beans, and fold together gently, taking care not to mush the beans.

Grease a two quart casserole dish.  Add beef/bean mixture to dish and cover with tinfoil.  Bake for 1 hr.

I served mine with cornbread muffins (what up, Jiffy!) and it was a success!  I think the key was cutting the sugar, and using a smokey bbq sauce and bacon to add another taste dimension.

Enjoy!

Pinterest: SO didn't nail it...

Again, Pinterest, I'm a slave to it.  So much so that much like one will check a horoscope to find out how their day will be, I check Pinterest to see if there's something I need to add to my imaginary "to do" list.  True fact.

However, I am becoming more of a Pinterest expert, if you will, and along with the recent revelation that some of my followers are not actually interested in me, they are only interested in me clicking on their stupid fake boards to sell me shit, I have come across a few pins that made me pause for a minute and think..."that's not...that's just not right..."

Again, as I noted in my previous Pinterest fail entry, I have decided to critique them on my own blog to protect the innocent or, more like, to avoid possible hostile comments and unfollows.

First up, I give you Puffy Paint Ghost:

Not only is this your hideous end result, the creator warns that this is not a "neat craft".  You use glue and shaving cream, and it takes hours to dry.  I guess you'll have plenty of time to clean up the mess your children made creating this monstrosity in the time that it takes it to dry.  Enough time, I'll wager, that your children will have lost complete interest in this project, and Halloween will be over, and you may as well start on your puffy paint pumpkins for Thanksgiving.  Serious fail.



Easter is the time for chocolate goodies, cute little bunnies and chicks ready to be devoured by children and adults for that sugar rush which will provide much needed energy for the Easter egg wars hunts that take place in front yards and in churches all across America.  I love chocolate aminals as much as the next person, but seriously people:

Let's leave the Easter treats to the professionals at Hershey's and Brach's shall we?  Nothing is more depressing than biting into an alien head or a lazy-eyed bunny on Easter morning.  It's just sad, and I can promise you, if your children found either one of the above in their baskets on Easter morning, they would be pissed.  And they would curse you.  And be scarred for life.  Do you really want that on your conscience?




"Hey Kathleen!" you say.
"Yeah what?" I answer (I'm often brusque and suspicious when being addressed).
"Wanna come over for dinner?  We're having steaks!"
"Hell yeah, I'm broke and always hungry; be right there!"

"WHAT...THE...FUCK..."
"It's cauliflower steak, silly! It's supposed to be delicious!"

"And you were supposed to be a good friend inviting me over for a god damn real dinner because you have sympathy for my plight, but I guess we've both been betrayed, me by you, and you by whatever idiot told you that you wouldn't get punched in the face by serving me this deceptive crap!"

As if that weren't bad enough...


The creator of this next dish claims it to be the "World's Best Tofu Recipe":

No, sorry, I've had tofu masquerading as meat in  many Asian dishes, and I can almost guarantee you that any of them was better than the above bowl of brown, uninspired dog puke.  Actually..it wouldn't be dog puke at all because YOUR DOG WOULDN'T EAT IT BECAUSE IT'S NOT REAL MEAT AND TOFU SUCKS!!!!

I don't know why this recipe inspires so much hatred in me; perhaps because I take my food quite (too) seriously, and this whole...plate of crap just personally offends me. Although a sprinkling of parsley wouldn't improve the taste of this dish, it would at least make it feel like less of an eye rape.  FAILURE...on every level, Pinterester who dares call yourself a cook.

Yes, I know.  I have food issues.  I'm working on it.

Yay It's Easter!!! Whatever (¬_¬)

So, I'm making Chicken Cordon Bleu for the first time for dinner tonight, and after reading the reviews of the original recipe I intended to use which did not portray it in such a favorable light,  I'm currently perusing the internet, cobbling together the most interesting & tasty sounding bits from other dishes to make my own unique creation.

Which I shall then be able to pin onto my boards as a Kathleen original and receive gratification from the numerous repins that I'm confident it will incur.

Because the level of my self-esteem directly corresponds to the number of repins I receive.  No, seriously.

And although I consider myself a fairly confident amateur cook, I'm still VERY careful about my chicken.  The salmonella threat has not escaped my attention, and though I'll play it loose and easy with the doneness of my beef, I don't fuck around when it comes to preparing chicken.

I should put that on my resume if I ever attempt to apply for a job in a restaurant, or with a catering firm.  Special qualifications?  "I don't fuck around with my chicken".

That should be reassuring to any employer on many different levels.

So, although I know the proper temp & length of time that it takes to safely bake a chicken breast (325° for 45 min is a good estimate) to perfect doneness, I still like to reassure myself because I am very OCD.  Not quite bordering on Rainman-like (we've already got one of those in this house), but I am pretty damn thorough when it comes to checking...and rechecking...and checking a third time for doors being locked and appliances and lights being turned off.  I like to call it being careful & frugal.

Anyway, so as I was mentioning, perusing the internet for recipes, and double checking my chicken cooking time & temp, and I stumbled upon Yahoo Answers, which is like the Wikipedia for people with dumb ass questions and the stupid responses that they receive.  Someone else was also looking for chicken cooking advice, and this was the answer:

The best way to cook chicken in the oven doesn't depend on the oven temp or time.

Purchase a Digital Cooking Thermometer. Insert the probe into the meatiest of the Breast (Do not touch Bone). Set the thermometer for 155 degrees and bake until the Thermometer signals you. Remove the Breasts and loosely cover the baking dish with Foil. Let the Breasts rest 10-15 min. The foil will keep it hot and the chicken breasts will continue to cook until the internal temp reaches 165 degrees. This is the safe temp to cook chicken. Do not cook in the oven to 165. By the time you eat it, well, you might as well take off your shoe and eat it.

Using the internal temp method is better and safer. The oven temp, whether 250 or 375 doesn't matter as long as the internal temp reaches a high of 165 degrees. This method works with any kind of meat. Temps vary so check with someplace like Food Network web site for temp tables.

Cooking the Breasts without a thermometer:

Boneless: 325-350 degrees for 15-25 min.

Bone in: 325-350 degrees for 30-45 min.

The reason for the time variation is because all ovens are different. This is why the temp method is best.

Source(s):

Me. Raised by my dad to be a Chef. Then I disappointed him. Still like to cook at home.
You can also check with any good Cooking Web Site and see the same info.

 See that highlighted & underlined thing up there as the source?  Totally unnecessary, and unrelated to the answer, but this person just felt like sharing, probably never thinking that six years later, some chick would happen upon their post and derive so much pleasure from that one little fragmented sentence. Humor from unexpected places is my favorite kind of humor.  And also, it makes me love random strangers, and chips away a little bit of my cynicism about society in general.  People can be pretty awesome-sauce.

On that note, Happy Easter everyone!  My Easter consisted of a singular mumbled "Happy Easter" from the fiance as he crawled into bed from a 12 hr overnight shift, and my response was the appropriate "Unless you have one of the following in your hands:

don't be reminding me it's Easter, fucker!"

It's not about the Bunny, my ass.  It's all about the chocolate.  To see an Easter celebrated properly, check out my sister's blog.  Isn't it the best Easter ever?  She's a pretty awesome mom, and her kids are pretty awesome sauce too.  This is one of the two times a year (other is Xmas, natch) that I actually wish I had kids, so I must live vicariously through her fam.

And give her brilliant ideas like the planting of the jellybeans.  Though I found the original idea on Pinterest, I was the one who brought it to her attention, so of course, I'm claiming credit.

Hot Tottie

So, I like to think I'm pretty handy in the kitchen.  I've been known to whip together a gourmet holiday meal or two in my day (individual beef wellingtons with Gorgonzola and Madeira mushrooms?  Why, yes, I'll have those for you momentarily).

However, due to current budgetary restraints and the fact that I'm living with someone whose tastebuds have not developed past a 8 year old's level, I find myself struggling, awash in very simplistic, cheap easy meals.

And I'm not knocking it whatsoever.  In fact, I'm finding these meals quite comforting and gratifying.  Even delicious, if I do say so myself.

Thanks to Pinterest, I have recreated such instant classics as "pizza casserole", "copycat Outback Alice Springs Chicken" and "Chicken Pepperoni" and I declare them all "the bomb" as the kids like to say.  And since they've all been given two thumbs up by tasters with discriminating palates, I've decided to volunteer my own cheap, easy and quick (that's what she said) dish prepared just last night, and cultivated from a variety of recipes found across the world wide web.

Behold: the Chili Cheese Tater Tot Casserole:

(before)

Ingredients:

1 lb. ground beef

1 med sweet white onion, chopped

1 15 oz can ranch beans, undrained

1 14.5 oz can chili style diced tomatoes*, undrained

1 packet chili seasoning (your choice, I used McCormick's regular, because we don't like it too hot, but do like a bit of spice)

4 cups Mexican-spiced shredded cheese* (16 oz pkg)

1 2 lb bag tater-tots (you will have some left over)

Preheat oven to 350°.  Grease a 9x11" casserole dish with non-stick spray, or butter, margarine, oil, whatever.

Brown ground beef and onions together in a skillet until beef is no longer pink and onions are soft.  Drain.  While meat is draining, add tomatoes, beans and seasoning packet to skillet and stir together.  Add beef/onion mixture & give a couple more stirs til all is blended. At this point, the chili may appear very thick and you may feel the urge to add water to loosen it up, but resist that urge!  It's going to loosen up quite nicely in the oven.

Pour chili into greased casserole dish.  Add 2 cups (half the package) of cheese on top.  Layer frozen tots on top of cheese (like I did in the pic up there; isn't it cute and all neat and pretty)?

Cook uncovered in oven for 30 minutes.  After 30 min, sprinkle remaining cheese on top of tots and continue baking for 5 min more, or until cheese gets nice and melty.

Let stand 5 min at room temp before serving, then voila!  

(after, not as neat & pretty but damn tasty)

A hearty, tasty, and not necessarily healthy but generously portioned meal for four.  You could serve with a nice salad as a side if you want to appear to be fancy and healthy, or you could just enjoy a big bowlful of this and finish it with Ben & Jerry's Karamel Sutra for dessert if you want to throw caution to the wind and really wreck your diet.  Your choice.

*Note: I used the store brand version of these ingredients (what up, Kroger!) and they worked great for this...

Pinterest Fail

I believe my undying love for Pinterest has been well documented on these pages, but I have to say that all is not perfect in Pinterest world.

Thus, I have decided to create a Pinterest Fail "board" if you will, but to keep from embarrassing my fellow pinners (and avoid potentially awkward and confrontational emails and un-followings) I'm going to post them here on my blog so I can feel free to criticize and ridicule at will.  I've also removed the hapless pinners to protect the innocent, and just added the images to this post, but rumor has it if you save the pic and drop it into google images, you can find the link to the original source, but I'll leave that to you if you so feel the need to investigate further...and in some cases, like below, the URL is listed on the image, so if the original creator is that proud of their project...good for them.

The first entry was the first fail I discovered, which is "DIY Flip Flops":

Okay, seriously?  Just pay the $1.00 at the retail store of your choice and buy some damn flip flops already instead of spending the time and additional $ to create your own.  In fact, don't you have to buy flip flop bottoms already in order to make new ones?  And if you don't like them and they're uncomfortable...THEY WERE A FREAKIN' DOLLAR and you're just going to lose them or they're going to break, or get funky, so you'll end up buying a new pair anyway without wasting your time and effort.

**(Side note, I was also going to comment on the fact that you should get your damn toes done and find a model without cankles to show off your new creation but my sister informed me that these were baby feet so I'll take that criticism back.  However, my point is still valid.)**

Next up, lemons injected with food coloring, which hapless pinners enthusiastically claim they "Must DO THIS, OMG IT'S SO PRETTY, BEST THING EVER, WAY COOL!!!!"

I must admit, I was momentarily sucked in for a minute...if that were indeed the ending result, that would be cool as shit.  But my BS meter went off soon after, and I was all like, "Hmm...Photoshop much?  How would one really go about doing this and having the lemons turn out so flawlessly and evenly colored?"

Luckily, while looking for a step by step tutorial on the above, I happened upon (see google image tip in previous paragraph) another like-minded individual who, indeed, decided to embark on this experiment herself.  I believe her post says it all:

An art blog gets a lemon. She makes lemon art… badly

Incidentally, I love the way this chick writes.  She's hilarious.

Those are this week's Pinterest fails.  Stay tuned for what I'm sure will be new and exciting entries.

Bunnies...Bunnies, It Must Be Bunnies!!

I've been sitting here trying to formulate my thoughts into words to express how I'm feeling at this moment in life and I'm coming up with f-all.  It's just so difficult because I don't even know how I'm feeling myself.  I'm not sad or depressed, far from it, in fact, everything seems to be going really well, actually.  But I'm not...happy or content.  I'm more like: "So this is my life...okay...I can live with this, I guess."  But I'm not excited about it.  Because what does it all matter, really?  The end result is still the same...nothingness.

Well, (you say to yourself imaginary reader), that certainly sounds like depression.  But it really isn't.  I'm okay, I really am.  I just feel like I'm sleepwalking through my life.

But then I realized...why struggle with putting all of this onto paper (so to speak) when Buffy and Joss Whedon have already expressed so eloquently EXACTLY how I'm feeling at this moment in my life.  God bless BTVS, man.  There is an episode, a scene, or a quote for everything, isn't there?  Kind of like the television version of Pinterest. And yeah, I know that the credits are backwards, but this was the clearest video clip I could find, so deal.

 

Ooh!  I just figured out how to express my feelings in one succinct little sentence: I feel like I'm in purgatory (non-catholic readers feel free to go here to find out what that is).  It's like God's little waiting room.  That's where I am...except I'm still alive...or AM I?  I could trip out on that thought for days...

So, okay, this healthy eating thing

First things first.  Breakfast.  I am a notoriously bad breakfast eater.  I hate breakfast foods. I would much rather eat last night's leftovers, or a sandwich, soup, anything other than your grits, eggs (ick), bacon, sausage special.

However, I have recently realized the validity of the "most important meal of the day" statement.  What I eat in the morning really does set the mood for the rest of my day.  If I start off with a bag of potato chips and some white chocolate peanut butter cups (omg, must have some now), then I feel like crap for the rest of the day.  However, on the days I start out with even a glass of milk, Greek yogurt, or a smoothie with my daily assortment of vitamins, I feel SO much better, and energized. That being said, I need something a little more substantial to fill me up, and also economical, as I'm on a tight budget, and bottled all-natural smoothies are damned expensive.

So, I've been looking at different recipes to try out that fit my equal parts protein/carbs requirement, and that I can make with relatively cheap ingredients.  I've discovered the following two that I think will work, that use a lot of the same ingredients, but are different enough that I can switch them up without becoming bored with the same thing every day.

First off, Bircher Muesli:

Sounds good, right? Like a healthier granola.

Next, a Banana-Oatmeal smoothie:

So, that's breakfast, done.  Next...lunch...not as much of a challenge, but I have decided to go with the "make lunch your biggest meal of the day" philosophy, because I do believe that a lighter dinner is better for digestion, and the hope is I will wake up feeling less weighted down, and "oogy" to use a technical term.

It's probably important to note that I have a difficult time with digesting certain foods for reasons that may or may not be revealed at a later time.  Not necessarily a bad thing in that my system can't really process dry or stringy substances such as chicken, pot roast (unpleasantly realized a few days ago), or spaghetti noodles (other small, tubular noodles or shells are just fine). So, again, bearing in mind that I'm on a budget, I think I'm going to go with something like ground beef stew, meatloaf, shepherd's pie, chili, or beef stroganoff.  Nice, hearty, filling, and great protein/carb ratio if served over potatoes, or noodles (small, of course).

For dinner, I'm going to have a salad.  I have been known to tear through a staggering amount of salad in one sitting, so believe me, this will fill me up.

So, that's my three main meals, done.  The other things I need to work on are snacks.  I do love chips, cookies, ice cream, everything and anything that is bad for you.  Being that this is not so much a diet as a lifestyle change, I'm pretty much going to snack on whatever I want when the mood hits me, but I'm going to concentrate on portion control, which has always been an issue for me.  What I will divulge is that 11 years ago, I had a gastric bypass, and though I did stretch out my "pouch" at one time, since my illness last year, my stomach has again significantly decreased in size, though that realization does not seem to reach my eyes or my brain.  To circumvent this, I'm going to either measure my snackage by ounces, or by number (ex:  1 c. ice cream, or 20 chips).  I'm fairly OCD, so this will satisfy that need of control as well.

So, hey, Kathleen, you may ask yourself, how's this going for you so far? Started yet?  My answer: No, I haven't, get off my back why don't you?  I just came up with this plan, damn.  It's still in the planning stages.  It also is not helping that I am currently staying with my mother before moving into my new house, and whenever I'm at her place, I'm like a starving Ethiopian child when the first UNICEF food delivery shows up.  I go batshit crazy eating everything and anything I can stuff into my face.  A free-for-all, so to speak.  But the gravy train to unlimited Foodsville is about to end, so it is time to put the Meal Plan into place.  Plus, in my new house, I have a full, massive, could-rent-out-as-a-separate-apartment kitchen, so I'm going to be a  food preparing maniac.  I can't wait.