Monday, May 7, 2012

Thinterest Fail

Now, some are going to call me a hater for dissing all of these Pinners trying to be healthy, and I say to you...yes, that's exactly what I'm doing.

Yes, I understand the desire to be healthy and thin.  Hell, I'm always going on and on about how I want to do that myself.  And I'm going to, dammit.  I hear the Y calling my name as I type this.  First paycheck = Y membership.  I cannot WAIT.

Do not, however, mistake this as an opportunity for you to get it twisted.  Yes, I recognize that in order to get healthier and fitter, my eating habits will have to change.  I will probably employ in the near future some of the techniques and recipes that I am about to mock.

What I will NOT do is lie to you.  I will not claim that the following recipes are "just as good as" or "better than" the real thing.

Because let's face it people:  Pam cooking spray will never be butter.  Skim milk will never be cream.  Stevia will never be sugar.  Crystal Light Appletini Mocktail mix will never be vodka...though it may tempt you into becoming an alcoholic, I don't know, I'm not you.  That's between you and your God.

I have exposed some of these food fabrications in the past, compelling posts proclaiming that tofu is not meat,  much as cauliflower is not real steak.  You know what else cauliflower is not?

Mashed potatoes.  Hey, don't get me wrong, I like cauliflower, I will happily eat it steamed, or munch on it raw with some bad ass dip, but it is NOT the same as mashed potatoes.  Mashed potatoes, really good mashed potatoes, are like a religious experience.  So I'd appreciate it if you didn't desecrate my place of worship (aka my plate) with your false god.  I asked for Yukon gold, not a golden calf, thank you very much.

Hey, you know what else?  Zucchini can not, and will not EVER be pizza crust. doesn't even RESEMBLE pizza crust, so what exactly are you trying accomplish here?

I would at least use squash if I were trying to pass this off.  At least squash is no stranger to being a wheat substitute.

That being said:  squash is not even in the same food group as god damn spaghetti!  It just looks like it and nothing, NOTHING you tell yourself is going to change that.  It's like eating a cupcake shaped meatloaf: in the end, it still tastes like meatloaf, and now you've traumatized an innocent 3 year old child.  Congratulations.

Hey guess what?  A box of cake mix, frozen berries and diet 7-up does NOT a cobbler make, despite what Weight Watchers and their Almighty Point System might tell you.

Also, this in no way resembles any fudge I've ever seen, so stop lying to the desperate sweet-toothers out there, American Diabetes Association, with your deceptive pin.

Last I heard, the very definition of the Spanish word "queso" was cheese, so WTF is Veggie Queso?

According to this Pinner, a sludge of white beans, cashews, yeast and coconut milk will deliver to you that same cheesy goodness and save you from the evil cows and their brew of poisonous dairy.

Speaking of insidious and evil vegetarians:

You can thank me now for your nightmares.  You're welcome.  Hey, at least I just showed you a picture of veggie man, at least you're not an 8 year old child and this was your birthday cake because your parents are stupid, self-righteous hipster vegetarians who think that the best gift they could give their future EMO child is the gift of knowledge and healthy eating instead of teaching them the evils of consumerism and corporations like Disney and Warner Brothers so no Ariel or Jasmine, or Harry Potter, or Batman birthday cake for you, son/daughter (we don't buy into gender specific stereotypes anyway)! 

Well, Crunchies, you certainly did teach your child one valuable lesson: the world may be full of its own horrors, but they will never compare to the horrors of middle school and high school.  Those years are difficult enough without you piling on your self righteous crap to ensure that your child will be an outsider, on the fringe, anti-social.  Sure, sometimes you get some really interesting cool kids; the ones of us that do survive being different often become quite successful members of society, and go on to write creative and entertaining blogs for all to read and enjoy.

But you're taking a chance.  Because you know what else may come from being a little "too" different?  You ever see Bowling for Columbine?  Just saying.  Also, you may want to go ahead and reserve your tickets for the sequel to Bully now because I'm pretty sure you just guaranteed your child a starring role.

That concludes today's edition of Pinterest Fails.  You're welcome.

How I'm feeling today:  she may be a diabetic heifer but she's right about one thing:

No comments:

Post a Comment

Enough stalking, start talking!