Thursday, May 24, 2012

Spanx For Nothing

Well, the Rottenator is off to work, so you know what that means: par-tay up in herra!  Actually, what that normally means is "cleaning frenzy for Kathleen" but I'm caught up on my cleaning, so I'm bored and I decided: "Hey, what better way to cure this boredom than to add a little dash of self-loathing to the mix to spice things up a bit?"

So, in preparation for my new career, which begins on Tuesday, I decided to give my Spanx a test drive. I'm sure I don't have to tell you what Spanx are; there's probably no woman on the planet who doesn't know someone who owns a pair if they do not in fact own one themselves.

Incidentally, the woman who created Spanx, Sara Blakely, is one of my heroes along with JK Rowling.  She's a fucking BILLIONAIRE, yo.  That's with a "B".  That's not why she's my hero; she's one of my heroes because she came about being a billionaire all on her own, from nothing, sewing panty hose onto underwear in her little place in the ATL (holla!) while supporting herself as a single mom.  That's fucking amazing.  JK Rowlings has much the same story, only she was a single mum.  I love these women.

That's what makes this so painful, not as painful as trying on my Spanx, but close.

See, I've been hearing what a miracle this garment is, so of course I had to try it.  I have a lot of imperfect anatomical parts, but the one that's bothered me the most, even since losing weight, is my tummy.  I still have a muffin top no matter how much dieting and exercising I avoid doing, so I thought Spanx would be a great way to help out in that area until I get my membership to the Y, which is dependent on my first pay check in three weeks. I opted for this little number right here .

So tonight, I tried them on...I would insert a photo here of me in said Spanx but I don't think you're ready for that. Hell, I'm not even ready for that.  And I don't want to get sued for sexual harassment or personal injury to eyeballs, so I'll just spare you that image.  I'll leave the sexual imagery to my sister, who is cultivating a very disturbing but possibly profitable interest in Uniporn© (copyright pending).

Yeah, so Spanx.  They were not entirely what I was expecting.  First of all, they are not as comfortable as everyone raves.  No, they do not bind like a girdle, but they do fit like pantyhose, in that the crotch is somewhere around my knees, and even after a great deal of pulling and twisting and other gymnastic quality motions they still only ended up approximately in the general area of my nether regions.

Okay, fine, whatever.  I'll add an extra 15 minutes to my getting ready for work time (time that I can subtract from my exercise routine) so I could live with that.  Especially because once I actually pulled them up, I did notice that my stomach appeared flatter, and my pants fit better, so okay.  I was willing to put up with them to the point that I wore them around the house for a minute, doing various chores.

And then I sat down.  And they rolled down past my stomach to my hips.  Defeating their purpose completely.  So what the hell is the point of buying a pair of undergarments to help flatten your stomach when all they do is bunch up at your waist, making you look bulkier than before?

I still may give them a try; we shall see.  I definitely will not attempt them with a skirt because I don't think it screams "we hired the right girl for the job!" when that girl is adjusting herself more often than a baseball pitcher.

Spanx, prior to experiment:

Spanx, post experiment, crumbled into a ball of rage:

How I'm Feeling Today (embracing my inner geek with a little bit of Dr. Who):

1 comment:

  1. I have not tried Spanx but I have tried similar garments and they always roll. The need little suspenders or something. I would advise on brining along a pair of underwear because when you have a hot flash you are going to hate Sara Blakely. And oh, the chaffing... and itching...


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