Spring Break, Woo Hoo!

So, this upcoming weekend, the Rottenator, the Mominator and I are going to spend Easter at the beach and I am SO looking forward to it.

Not only does this mean I have a four day work week, but I also get to be at the beach! 

Incidentally, the family beach house is at Edisto Beach,SC which is approximately here:

And it looks like this:

And this is the oak tree in the yard that I absolutely adore:

I have been craving fresh seafood for a few weeks, so this trip is a long time coming.  I'm kind of a snob when it comes to seafood; it has to be fresh from the dock to my plate for me to enjoy it.

Needless to say, I've never been a fan of Red Lobster. And rightfully so. Except for their god damn cheese biscuits.  They are amazeballs; more than enough to pull you over to the dark side.

This will also mark the first weekend that the Nooge is going to be left alone overnight.  This cat can barely stand a second by himself without going mental so I don't know what we're going to return to.

Side note: I accidentally locked him in the bathroom for a few hours while I was running errands this afternoon.  And after he wrecked the entire room, I've had to deal with this:

"Never leave again...never leave again!"  He's been passed out ever since his unfortunate incarceration.


I fully expect a demolished house upon our return.

Nevertheless, upcoming mini vacation, yay! I hope to find many shark's teeth and also am praying for no rain.

And an Easter basket on Sunday morning.  If not a basket, then at least some perfume.  I'm just sayin'...time to make up for Valentine's Day, Rottenator.

My Mood Ring(tone) of the Day:

Save me Baby Jebus! It's a trap, Jim!

Everyone is always going on about the political agenda.

Well, I'd like to take a minute to bitch about the religious agenda.  More specifically, the Southern Baptist political agenda of a certain church that exists right down the street from me.

Yes, Breezy Hill Southern Baptist Church, I'm looking at you.

It seemed innocent enough.  For weeks they have been creating this grand spectacle of lights. SO grand, in fact, that I made the Rottenator stop by one night before they'd even opened so we could get a closer look.  We were hurried out, politely but firmly, and told to return the following Wednesday when they officially opened . The Rottenator had to work that night, so I waited...patiently...every night, passing by this on the way home, taunting me with the wondrous spectacle I would soon be able to explore.

Fast forward to Friday.  It started off well enough.  This is the archway you walk through to (supposedly) get to the wondrous display.

And then, to further tease us...

But then...a problem...you can kinda see it in the second picture up there...

Oh yeah.  You were not gonna get out of this without hearing the word of the Lord, heathen.  It was then that I began to realize that there was no Santa in sight in this cacophony of lights.

The second not so subtle hint came when we were corralled like cattle into a building that was eerily reminiscent of Jonestown. 

 Yes.  Sit and listen to our message and then maybe we will allow you to be thrown onto the back of a tractor and hurdled through a maze of lights at breakneck speed where you will be treated to refreshments at the end of it.

The  Rottenator was not having it, and I for once, was with him.  Bear in mind, he was only there out of protest because of me and my love of all things sparkly and bright, so he was ready to snap anyway.

Besides, we had a barbeque buffet to get to that he had been fantasizing about all day and god dammit, we were not going to miss it.

So after we walked the walk of the Damned back to the parking lot in the opposite flow of traffic, I had a few minutes to indulge my disappointment...and then I got pissed.

But even as I wrote that previous sentence, I'm now thinking...WHY exactly?  Why am I pissed that this church decided to put on a light (free, mind you) display in order to recruit welcome visitors to their place of worship and perhaps gain a few members?

I shouldn't be, I guess.  There were no false pretenses.  I mean, there were no signs saying you would have to sit and listen to a few Christmas songs before enjoying the lights, but hey, it is a church, a Southern Baptist one at that, and I should have known that there is always a catch or a hidden agenda when it comes to those people.

And if it seems that I'm bitter towards Southern Baptists in particular, you're god damn right I am.  I've known more than a few Southern Baptists in my time and have always found them to be the most judgemental self-righteous people on the planet who are more than eager to tell you that you are going straight to hell if you don't believe in their doctrine completely. 

But it's not just them; it's organized religion in general that I have an extreme distrust and dislike of. Because much like political beliefs, there is no actual logic behind them.  It has always been my policy to avoid discussing religion and politics with anyone I don't know very well because there is no rational thought process involved when it comes to beliefs and you are not going to change anyone's mind, and someone is gonna get pissed off, so why bother?

Especially as I am usually the one who ends up pissed off, and no longer respecting or liking someone I once considered a friend or relative.

So it's safer to leave those two topics off the table.

Bottom line, the first attempt at Christmas light viewing was a bust.  Except for the occasional view of a tackily decorated house in my neighborhood, because lemme tell you, no one decorates like a low-income person.  I mean that it the best possible way.  Why is it that the more money you have the more boring your Christmas decorations become?  I have no time for white lights or  Martha-Stewart-esque natural wreaths.  Bring on the multi-colored seizure inducing explosion of color, that's what I'm talking about!

So, we're going to try again tomorrow.  To a more secular celebration of the Holiday Season.

We intend to either visit this exhibition:

http://www.lightsofthesouth.com/

or this one:

http://www.icrc.net/events/holiday-lights.aspx

I'll keep you posted.  In the meantime:

My Mood Ring(tone) of the Day:

Well, that went well

So, Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I have to say...it went better than expected.

Not that the Rottenator wasn't horrible.  Lemme tell you, that one was trying to get out of going to my fam's house until the very second we were in the driveway and he was pouting: "You don't care, you don't care, I don't want to do this and you just don't care!"

Well, it's too late now, buddy, get out of the fucking car.

And though he would never admit it, he actually had (dare I say it) a good time.  At least a good time for him.

But the weeks leading up to it, his impending doom, were god awful.  He was like a petulant child, a loud bully, and a grumpy old man all balled into one.

I really wasn't sure if our relationship was going to handle it.  He did not understand how important him meeting my family was to me, and I had no idea of the sheer panic and terror coursing through his veins at the very thought of spending the day with a "bunch of strangers".

He honestly almost had a heart attack.  I have been known to suffer from a bit of social anxiety myself, but never had I witnessed someone about to have a full blown panic attack over the thought of, in my eyes, hanging out with people who are basically going to be a part of our lives for a long, long time.

Sickly green, clammy, sweaty, riding in silence, I was beginning to wonder if it was really worth it.  But I also knew that once he got there, it would be fine.  It would be good for him, and it was completely necessary if we were going to be together.

Melodramatic on both of our parts, I know.

But it was such a good time.  My sister and brother in law were the perfect hosts, and by the time the day was ending, there was smack talk about upcoming football games (thank God everyone's teams won), and the Rottenator was helping himself to food and walking around, and my niece, the 6 year old flirt, was flinging stuffed animals in his direction.

All signs of a successful gathering.  And the best part?  I didn't have to suffer any consequences!  In fact, I was told that even though it certainly wasn't going to be an every weekend kind of a thing, the Rottenator wouldn't be completely opposed to attending such an event again!  And no, I do not have any photographic evidence to prove that this momentous event actually happened, because I didn't want to push my luck, so you'll have to just take my word for it.

Needless to say, I am thrilled.  I can't promise a Christmas reunion this year, but the possibilities are endless.

Speaking of Christmas, what the fuck is this?

Sacrilegious, that's what it is.

Also speaking of Christmas, because of this:

We will not be having a tree this year.  Bummer.  I love a Christmas tree, but I also don't want to spend every second of every day keeping a certain someone from knocking it over or climbing up it.  So, plans are in the works to have a tree outside on our side porch.

In the meantime, I've got this on our front door:

And I've decorated every inch of our house with lights.  I took most of these pics in the dark, because the lights are so much glowier that way (except the first one, obvs...)

And now...to the worst part of the holiday season.

We ventured forth to the 9th circle of hell (aka Walmart) to witness the spectacle of Black Friday because the Rottenator had never witnessed it before.  As he watched with open-mouthed shock at the dregs of humanity that knocked each other over for $5 video games, I stood out of harms way and took horrified pictures.

This is the exact opposite of what I think the holiday season should be about.

See, I love Christmas.  The Rottenator does not understand this because he does not have happy memories of Christmas.  To me, Christmas is not just about giving gifts, or getting great bargains, or Santa, or Jesus, or the lack thereof.

I still hold onto the belief that Christmas is the time that we, as people, (in general), treat each other as we should treat each other every other day of the year.  Yes, I have worked retail during the holidays, and, yes I have been yelled at or cursed out because we didn't have the newest or hottest toy in stock at rock bottom prices for parents consumed with the obsession of fulfilling their little spoiled brat's every superficial dream.

But still I manage to hold onto the feeling that at Christmas: everything is beautiful and sparkly, and magical, and if it makes just one more person treat another a little better than they normally would on an average day, then it's worth it to celebrate.  No matter what religion you follow...or don't follow.

Cheesy?  Probably.  Sappy and sentimental, absolutely.  And I don't care.

I mean, seriously, watch this video and tell me you don't feel a little bit happier today.

My  Mood Ring(tones) of the Day:

And this.

Happy Christmas Month, mother fuckers!




 

Cankles and Fat Rolls and Muffin Tops Oh My!

Perhaps if I'd stuck to my original plan of trying to limit my food intake for about a week before my flight, I wouldn't feel like this today:

Oh, well.  Woulda, coulda, shoulda.  The two sausage biscuits this morning probably didn't help either.  And now my jeans are screaming for mercy.  Oh, but if only this weren't a business trip and I could travel comfortably in my fancy pants.

But alas, I cannot.  So I will endure, and pray that I won't need a seatbelt extender.  And hope that I miss the Rottenator and the Nooge, because right now, they are both on my last nerve.  Kathleen needs a break!

Until next time, my Mood Ring(tone) of the Day (natch):

Oh, but if I could channel Audrey Hepburn today!  And I'd forgotten that John Denver wrote this song originally, but I felt it bad luck and/or karma to post a video of him performing it, no?

Intro-perspective

This post was originally going to be a lengthy discussion about how I think organized religion really is just a crock of shit.  About how those self-righteous old fogies and bitties sitting in the front pews telling you that you're going to hell for not accepting Jesus Christ as your lord and savior are actually the same ones cheating on their spouses, stealing money from the collection plate, gossiping about their neighbors, and passing judgement on the rest of the world.

But actually, one of the few things I have come to realize in my 40 years on this earth is that you never argue religion or politics with anyone.  Because all reason flies right out the window, and you just end up frustrated, full of rage, and stabby.

Which is ridiculous because it all boils down to one thing, and I think this scene from the immortal Saving Private Ryan sums it up perfectly:

How I feel today: see above.  Am I a good person?  I continuously ask myself this same question  and unfortunately, I still don't have a definitive answer.  But at least I do ask the question.

The Final Fron...ten

Let's wrap this bad boy up, shall we?

21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?

This is a tough one...I went through the various options: mind control, reading people's minds, the power to making people's brains explode, flying.  But I don't know...

• mind control: I would be WAY too dangerous to be entrusted with this shit.
• reading people's minds: I don't think I really want to know how people feel about me...after all, that's why I avoid confrontation now.  Besides, I saw that Buffy episode; that shit will drive you nuts.
• flying: I used to think I wanted to fly because then I could travel ALL around the world, but what's the point of being able to fly and travel if you don't have the $ to enjoy yourself?  Which leads me to my superpower of choice: 

Invisibility.  Because if I could make my self invisible at will, then I could steal all the $ I needed to travel wherever I wanted to.  Win/win.

22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?

• I can't even fathom thinking about this one.  I've learned my lesson about even thinking about where I'll be tomorrow, much less 5 years from now.

23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.

• Cooking: it relaxes me, and I love to feed people and make them happy because that's how I show my love.  It's a very unhealthy relationship with food, I recognize this.
• Gardening: I like creating things that are pretty.
• Pinterest: it really does make you feel productive and creative though you're doing nothing but sitting in front of your computer.
• Reading: escaping into a fantasy world for a few minutes is always a nice diversion.
• watching TV: it serves as pleasant background noise.

 24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now. 

• Huh...I'm not quite sure how to answer this one.  Depends on your definition of family.  I live with a member of the opposite sex now, which, growing up with nothing but girls in the house, adds a whole new ick factor that I'm not accustomed to because boys are messy and gross no matter what age they are.  Oh!  I guess the question means your "original" family, like parents and siblings.  Well, we're not all crammed into one house together anymore, so that's different.  The good part about that is that I think we're closer now because of it.

25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?

• King Henry VIII of England; I could totally go for one of those big ass royal banquets.

26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?

• That any "one" religion is the ONLY religion.  That you can't be a kind, decent, spiritual, loving, respectful person unless you conform to their particular belief system.  Organized religion, and I include all faiths in this, has really fucked the human race up.

27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?

• My eyes.  I've got really good eyes.  You really can tell a lot about somebody by the look in their eyes.

28. What is your love language?  

• What the fuck is a love language?  Is it a foreign language that I love?  In that case, Italian.  A language that I love in my native tongue?  In that case, vulgar.  This is a stupid question.

29. What do you think people misunderstand most about you?

• I think that most people, especially those that don't know me very well, think that I am a lot nicer than I actually am.  I'm really quite the intolerant bitch.

30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

• I'd be happy just being remembered at all.

10 More Fascinating Facts About Me

To continue from yesterday's riveting post...

11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.

• Sneezing too loud
• Farting in front of me
• Leaving crumbs on the newly cleaned kitchen counters
• Tracking in sand across the newly mopped and swept floors
• Brushing your teeth and leaving the toothpaste in the shower
• Eating my food
• Using my shit in general
• Picking fights with me for no reason just because you're "bored"
• Monitoring my monetary spending habits
•  Not throwing away empty containers of anything...ever.

12. Describe a typical day in your current life.

• Wake up grumpy
• Cigarette and diet cherry pepsi and silence
• Shower
• Wash dishes, or clean up various rooms of the house if needed
• Check Facebook
• Check Pinterest
• Check email
• Watch taped shows on television
• Plan dinner
• Look at stuff on internet I can't afford to buy
• Make dinner
• Clean kitchen
• Wait for death

(Hopefully I'll soon have more exciting activities to fill my day...fingers crossed)

13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have. 

• Ankles
• Low self esteem
• Extra sensitivity to criticism 
• Extreme non-confrontation
• Red velvet anything

14. Describe 5 strengths you have.

• My intellect
• My compassion
• My cooking
• My fiscal budgeting...though this took YEARS to develop
• My ability to make very thorough lists

 15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?

• A shark, because every other living thing on the planet would fear me, and I could eat whatever I wanted, and be at the top of the food chain

16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?

• Recovering from near death
• Spending New Year's Eve in London
• Being in NYC around Christmas time
• Successfully stalking many celebrities
• Waking up every morning and not completely giving up hope that it will get better

17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?

• Any athletic activity of any kind

 18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?

• Myself, for my past mistakes...still working on it

 19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?

• New York City...that has never changed.  I would need lots of $ to live there, but I've always been drawn to that city.  I used to think London, but there's an intricate part of Americana in me that I won't give up.  I'd travel to London, but not live.  New York is just...it has a bit of everything, and speaks to me.

20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.

I don't know how significant these are, but these are the first memories that came to mind when thinking about this question.

• Getting dressed for Sunrise Service one Easter at my grandparents' house at the Beach.  It was SO cold & dark, we got dressed in front of their old pot bellied heater
• Getting lost in the mall while under the watch of my Godfather...I think it's the only time I ever saw him mad at me
• Shooting a BB Gun into the lake with my father

Final 10 coming soon to a blog near you...probably really soon, actually.  I'm particularly bored and anxious today...not an ideal combo.

Germans Ruin Everything

Okay, so I was perusing the internet recently as I am wont to do on occasion, and came across the following article from Gawker which had me going all John McEnroe "you can NOT be serious!" all over the place.  Like, I thought it was a mocked up Onion piece at first but alas, no.  This shit was real.

Tiny Til...the world's cutest, and uh, ONLY, apparently, earless bunny was trod upon by a German cameraman on the day of his world debut, thereby crushing his (vertebrae) and Germany's dreams of fame for this fantastically adorable mutant of nature.

A month before Easter.  I mean...seriously? So this got me thinking...are Germans just inherently evil?  History backs up this theory obviously.  Or, is this actually an act of a vengeful God who is so pissed off by the modern day commercialism of such a Holy day that he takes it out on a harmless little auditorily impaired rodent and blames it on the one race that is already known as being kinda sinister and shit.  "Don't blame me, blame those Hitler loving Nazi freaks!  Peace out."

Personally, I've got my own theory about God being a particularly diabolical prankster with a pension for torturing pathetic 40 year old women who are just trying to rebuild their lives and become normal productive citizens and are trying really fucking hard to do the right god damn thing and he's just giving them false hope and then yanking it away and can't I just catch a break, you evil overlord, what the fuck more do you want from me, I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do already...

But I digress.  Moral of the story:  don't count your chickens before they hatch.  Or prematurely plan the fame of your squee-inducing mini earless bunnies before instructing German cameramen on where and where not to walk.  Or quit your lousy retail job based on a preliminary offer from a better one before your background check clears.  Hey, what was that last part?  Um...nothing.  Move along now.

Bunnies...Bunnies, It Must Be Bunnies!!

I've been sitting here trying to formulate my thoughts into words to express how I'm feeling at this moment in life and I'm coming up with f-all.  It's just so difficult because I don't even know how I'm feeling myself.  I'm not sad or depressed, far from it, in fact, everything seems to be going really well, actually.  But I'm not...happy or content.  I'm more like: "So this is my life...okay...I can live with this, I guess."  But I'm not excited about it.  Because what does it all matter, really?  The end result is still the same...nothingness.

Well, (you say to yourself imaginary reader), that certainly sounds like depression.  But it really isn't.  I'm okay, I really am.  I just feel like I'm sleepwalking through my life.

But then I realized...why struggle with putting all of this onto paper (so to speak) when Buffy and Joss Whedon have already expressed so eloquently EXACTLY how I'm feeling at this moment in my life.  God bless BTVS, man.  There is an episode, a scene, or a quote for everything, isn't there?  Kind of like the television version of Pinterest. And yeah, I know that the credits are backwards, but this was the clearest video clip I could find, so deal.

 

Ooh!  I just figured out how to express my feelings in one succinct little sentence: I feel like I'm in purgatory (non-catholic readers feel free to go here to find out what that is).  It's like God's little waiting room.  That's where I am...except I'm still alive...or AM I?  I could trip out on that thought for days...