And then there's this...

I love the Bloggess.  She says what I wish I could say but she said it first.  And she puts it so succinctly.

Which is why she has a book and I do not...yet...

I recently fought myself out of a deep hole of depression that was affecting everything in my life, and then I got myself some happy pills, and immediately felt better.

Yes, I realize that some of the "feeling better within an hour of taking a pill" was probably psychosomatic, but still, whatever works, right?  Bottom line:  I'm feeling pretty good right now.

As in:  I don't feel that my job is destroying me. I have put that bad boy back in its place:  it is a paycheck, it is a secure job, with possible advancement and decent benefits.  It does not define me, and when I clock out at 6:30pm, I can leave it there.  And I don't cry in the shower every morning before I have to go in just thinking about it.  And seriously, Kathleen, with everything else going on in the world... snap the fuck out of it.

Yes, I talk to myself in the third person.  It's one of the many things that Kanye West and I have in common.  Incidentally, please take the time to read this article; Kanye is crazy.  I love this man and his music is brilliant but he is batshit nuts.  Which is probably why I have sympathy and love for him.

Bottom line: I'm feeling better.  Life is manageable.  And I am reminded time and again of other people who have it much, MUCH worse than myself who still manage to soldier through without a hint of a complaint.

I have a very close "work" friend who has lupus and was recently admitted into the hospital because her kidneys were failing, and she needs chemo.  This very strong woman relayed this information to me very casually from her hospital bed where she was being pumped full of chemicals, and her one request: "just send me some funny messages to cheer me up".

And here I am, my entire family is happy and healthy, and I'm whining because my job may be a little bit challenging.

Whatever.

I have decided to forgive myself (it's easier that way) and focus on the good.  And the funny.

With that in mind, let us all celebrate the fact that I have recently lost 7 lbs by doing no more than "doing" all of my major eating at lunch, and restricting my dinner caloric intake to a minimum...and cutting out the evening snacking altogether.  It sucks, because I do miss my 1am gelato break, but I am willing to sacrifice it in the meantime if this is the end result.


My Mood Ring(tone) Of The Day:

Nothing New, What's Up With You?

So, a brief recap of my uber exciting life:

I've just finished preparing a ginormous packet of useless paperwork to send to the IRS to prove to them why I can't possibly pay off the exorbitant debt that they claim I owe.  I've managed to make it as confusing and disorganized as possible; payback, you might say, for how I've found their dealings with me when it comes to this situation.

Plus, my income is approximately $30 less than my outcome per month so let's see how they handle that.

Also, I desperately need new clothes.  Like, desperately. I do not know how I managed to overlook this, but I have no appropriate spring/summer clothes.  So I'm danger of either quitting my  job for fear of appearing like a hobbit hobo or dying of heat-stroke because I'm wearing wool sweaters in 80 degree weather.  So, despite the Rottenator's budget, I am going shopping this weekend. 

I had a "WOW" call evaluation at work which probably means nothing to you, much as it means nothing to me other than the fact that maybe I'll be left alone for a minute.  Basically, it looks like I'm fairly competent at a job that I despise.  I don't know how I feel about that.

Other than that, nothing new.

Although, after reviewing my recent posts and Mood Ring(tones) of the Day, I have come to realize that I am this guy:

I'll have to examine that in a future post, how to reconcile my love of Britpop and Rap and the occasional country song into one cohesive summation of my overall being.

But in the meantime, I'll just share this picture of a pine tree that I captured at work the other day.

It is totally giving the world the finger.  I am this pine tree.

And to continue with my seemingly out of character Mood Ring(tone) of the Day, I give you:

Incidentally, this song was played both at my sister's bachelorette party AND her wedding reception.  We are an interesting family indeed.

Fatty McFatikins

It always makes me sad when people I used to admire make fun of people I currently admire.

Case # 1: Joan Rivers:

I used to think this woman was funny, amusing, the precursor to the lovely Kathy Griffin.  But then she crossed the line.  She made fun of Adele.

A woman who has gone through so much plastic surgery that she resembles more of a puppet than a real human being makes fun of a beautiful, talented, charismatic woman with a god-given ethereal voice?

Why yes, she did.

And so did Case # 2 Seth McFarlane...during the Oscars ceremony, in fact, when Adele was sitting RIGHT THERE.

And although I regret I cannot find a film clip of it, he said, and I quote:

"Rex Reed will be out here to review Adele's performance of 'Skyfall"

Which was referencing this film review that Rex Reed did of Melissa McCarthy.  Obviously, I was not the only one who caught this.

 Seriously, I am so tired of this perception that society has as "fat" people and how they are unacceptable.  Do you see the picture above?  Is that not a gorgeous woman?

It also makes me think of Delta Burke, another gorgeous woman who was constantly ridiculed because of her size.

And Kirstie Alley.

And even Marilyn.

It's an old and tired topic to be sure, but one that I am still affected by, being an overweight gal myself.

I have been overweight all of my life; in fact, in 2001, I had gastric bypass surgery to help me overcome this. It didn't work.  I'm still fat.

I am 41 years old, 5'1", 163 pounds (on a good day), and  full of flab and self-loathing because I feel that I look like this:

When in my mind I should look like this:

And the most frustrating part is that as much as I tell myself that I want to be thin and in-shape for health reasons,  I'm still trapped by that ideal image of a beautiful, wrinkle-free 25 year old that I aspire to be.

And why the age of 25 is stuck in my head as the ideal age is a mystery to me; obviously something for the therapist's couch.

I think my recent overdose of "Scrubs" and "Freaks And Geeks" has affected my:

Mood Ring(tone) Of the Day:

My, but we are a persnickety bunch

I'll be first to admit it: my family has issues. 

For a long time I thought it was me, I was the black sheep of the family, the problem child.  But no, oh good God no, I finally realized that every one of my characteristics and my troublesome nature are derived from somewhere in this branched and crooked family tree.

Number one would be my food issues.  I'm sure I've mentioned my relationship with food before.  As in, it's mine, all mine, not yours, there is no edible scrap of food anywhere on this planet that does not belong to me.  I don't care if you bought it, you cooked it, you cared for it and cleaned it, it's mine.  Even if I don't want it.  I may develop a taste for it someday and therefore, you cannot have any, because it may never be replaced, and then I will starve to death.

In like...50 years, because I'm pretty sure I've stored up enough fat that my body can subsist on its own for that long by devouring itself.

But hey guess what, I'm not the only one who has this til death do us part relationship with food.  So does my sister.

We discussed it ad nauseum this weekend at her house during my niece's birthday party:

That, btw, is the one and only picture I managed to get of this child because much like her Aunt, she doesn't like her picture taken because she's afraid it may steal her soul.  That, and she doesn't appear on film.  This was a miracle Hail Mary shot.

So, where as all of the food on the planet belongs to me, my sister's thing is that she's desperately afraid that the planet's food supply is going to run out and it's never going to be replaced so she will never be able to eat again and starve to death.  This is actually a realistic fear because being that the food is mine and I seem to be eating everything in sight, a world-wide famine is highly probable.

It's always amazed me that some people view food as merely the fuel by which we need in order to survive.  It doesn't matter if it tastes good, they have no particular favorites, they just eat what they need to and move on.  Even crazier are those people who forget to eat.  How can you "forget" to eat?  Like, didn't your stomach growling, or the fact that you're feeling weak or fainty clue you in to the fact that you may have missed a step.  Like, sleeping, peeing, pooping, blinking, or, breathing?  It makes no damn sense.

I've always had food issues.  I don't know if this was a turning point for me or just another phase in my food obsession, but I distinctly remember connecting food with my father.  We would have long, drawn out family meals that lasted for hours, long enough that you'd finished eating one meal and were hungry again for another one.  It was where I developed my love of food, connecting it with family, and good conversation, and togetherness.  That's also where I learned to eat slowly, so slowly that when I watch the Rottenator devour an entire chicken in 0.02 seconds, I am equally fascinated and horrified.  Our meals are nothing like that.  He's seriously done in, 10 minutes, tops, and I am struggling to keep up with him which usually ends up with me puking in a bathroom because I've eaten too much too fast and I'm totally stressed that my stomach is in a knot knowing that meal time is almost over and I may never get to eat again.

I finally understand my sister.

Going back to my father, I also remember when he got sick with cancer.  The extent of his illness was hidden from me for a long time, I was maybe 12, so I didn't understand how serious it was.  He was dying of cancer, but I remember my grandparents (my mom's parents) buying him Ensure because he was getting soooo skinny and losing so much weight he was getting gaunt and weak and they were trying anything to get him to keep his strength up.  And I remember thinking to myself, "if only he would eat, if only he gained weight, then he wouldn't be so sick and he'd get better".

Food saves all.  So maybe that's why I'm fat.  Maybe it doesn't have anything to do with my love of ice cream and cheese at all.  I'm just sayin'.

Another issue I have is OCD.  And it's getting worse the older I get.  This I get from my maternal grandmother.  Yes, the older I get, I am not, in fact, turning into my mother.  I'm turning into my grandmother, thereby completely bypassing middle age and hurdling straight down the tunnel of death towards the light with breakneck speed.

I remember my grandmother driving me bat fucking shit crazy when she got older because when she got something on her mind, it had to be taken care of now, not later, now.  Like, stop what you're doing right this very second and handle this thing now.  I don't care if you're in mid-stream, or driving, or solving the budget crisis, if you don't change this light bulb right now, the world is going to end, Rottenator.  I mean, Buster (my grandfather).

Because I'm nothing like that at all.  And neither is my mother who recently called me while I was getting ready for work in a panic because she couldn't figure out her direct TV remote and Judge Judy was coming on...in six hours.

I'm just sayin'.  These issues run deep.  And the good news is, I don't have to beat myself up for my bad habits anymore.  It's hereditary.

And what exactly does this have to do with my trip to Orlando to Universal Studios in September to see Harry Potter?  Not a damn thing, so it's not worth mentioning.

That's pretty much how I'm going to see every conversation for the next 8 months: "And what exactly does this have to do with my trip to see The Wizarding World of Harry Potter?  Nothing? Then why are we still discussing it".

My Mood Ring(tone) of the Day:

Pumped Up Kicks

Christmas was nice but over too soon.  I did manage to make it to my sister's for a very brief visit but it was awesome waking up and seeing the kids all get their Christmas gifts.

Of which there were many; you can read about that here and see a god awful pic of me as well. I am beginning to think that my sister is passively-aggressively taking out latent hostility towards me which is left over from my supposed torturing of her in our earlier days.  Either that, or she's just not a very good picture taker.  But I love her anyway ;-)

Work is still exhausting.   The Rottenator asked how I could be so exhausted from just sitting and talking on the phone all day and it's kinda hard to explain how mentally draining this job is to someone who doesn't understand it.  Hell, I don't understand what I'm doing half of the time...which adds to the exhaustion.  The best way to explain my job is to imagine sitting for 8 hours a day doing math problems.  Word math problems.  When you're not good at math.

Pretty much sums it up.

So, 2013 is upon us.  And I know, everyone says, "Oh, I'm not going to make resolutions; it's so stupid and predictable and everyone makes resolutions, so I'm going to be different and contrary and not make any."  Well, to those people, I say "fuck off, loser, stop trying to be contrary and different because now the fad is to NOT make resolutions so you're still a poser who's just trying to be different for the sake of being different."

So I'm making them. Because I'm edgy and cool.  I saw this on Facebook the other day and because I was having a particularly bad one where I doubted everything and was hating my life and questioning my existence on this planet and my purpose in life, I reposted it.

And though it may be cheesy and sentimental, I still feel that way.  It's the most difficult resolution of all, however, isn't it?

So, onto other ones, some more or less difficult, some more or less realistic and serious.

In no particular order:

• I'm still kinda serious about the 365 milkshakes taste-test in 365 days. Perhaps it will lead to a book deal and not the life-threatening diabetes which is probably the more realistic outcome.
• Lose (not loose, grammatical idiots) 40 lbs which is in direct conflict with the resolution above.  Also, eat healthier so I feel better and not sickly and tired all the time.
• Doctors appointments: mammogram, physical, gynecologist, dentist, top to bottom check out.  Bloodwork included.
• Celebrate my birthday at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios.  I have not yet celebrated my fourth decade on earth as a monumental occasion, so I may as well make this the one.
• Start writing again; even if that means nothing more than updating this blog more faithfully.  It gives me a creative outlet and keeps my brain from stagnating.

So far, that's the list.  I'm not going to go crazy with it, because then I'll look back on it as a insurmountable, unachievable list of "things I will never accomplish so fuck it all!" and not do a damn one of them, so let's keep it simple, stupid.

So, less of a list of resolutions and more of a touchstone of goals that I need to keep focused on.  That works for me.

Mood Ring(tone) of the Day:

Sidebar: I know nothing of this band, or any of their other songs; I just know that Pandora played it on my station today and I must say: great job Pandora!  Usually the songs they pick for me at random are totally like, WTF, seriously?!?  How do you get Michael Buble from my stating that I like Oasis and Blur, but whatever...

This one was different, though.  Very catchy.  Foster the People.  I'm afraid to research them for fear of ruining my enjoyment of this catchy little ditty.

Update: of course,  I had to read up on the band. Good news: I'm still okay with them!  Better news: I found a song I like that's only a couple of years old.

Kinda funny: they played this song on the Vampire Diaries.  Which explains why I had visions of myself dancing around in my bra and underwear getting drunk with Damon Salvatore.  And why I looked like Buffy Summers.

Ooooh, another update: I'm suddenly 16 years old just looking at these two together.

Another resolution: get really hot, be 20 years old, and have a devastatingly handsome and dangerous vampire boyfriend. Noted.

The Little Things...

So, even though I didn't get something accomplished yesterday that would be a BIG deal for me while taken for granted by a lot of other people (i.e., people who can drive), I'm okay today.

For now; it's still early. Things that are okay today:

1. I got some sleep yesterday.
2. The Rottenator and I are one step closer to getting a new car.
3. I got a comforter for $17!  And it's nice.
4. It's fall which means the weather is nice and the holidays are getting closer.
5. I ate a double Whopper yesterday and lost four pounds...in one day.

Which brings me to this point; I shall link to my sister's blog because we have the same problem.  Our bodies are endlessly fascinating, but not in the cool "oooh, look at that, it's so sparkly and lights up and awe-inspiring and beautiful" way like this pumpkin:

I'm purple and sparkly and light up, say what?!?!

But more in a WTF is going on!?!? kind of way.  I can eat ice cubes and celery for a week or eat ice cream and pizza and my body only deviates 5-8 lbs.  The only problem with this is that my body is comfortable at a weight that I am not comfortable with it being...at.

I'd be much more comfortable minus 25-30 lbs, frankly, but I think this would entail exercising and I'm not ready for that kind of commitment yet.

So I'm going to have to deal with this for now.  Oh!  I just realized something!  I had half a bottle of water yesterday so maybe that's why I lost 5lbs.  Take note, sis!  Half a bottle of water is the magic exlir.  Now watch, I'll drink a whole bottle of water today and either wake up 10 lbs lighter, or have gained 15.  Who knows.

But that will not concern me today.
     6. I got a new vacuum cleaner.
     7. I found this in my mother's yard:

Not near a sewer...possibly still a ninja

Just chillin' in her front yard.  You can't see it in the picture, but he had evil orange eyes which prevented me from picking him up despite my sister's urging because she "wanted to see what happened".  Mom says it's a box turtle.  I figured it probably escaped from the teenager who lives next door who probably bought him about 10 years ago when he was the size of a teaspoon and he finally managed the 30 steps to the front yard.

I highly doubt he is a river cooter.  That would have been too cool!  Then I could have totally texted this pic to everyone I've ever met with the title "Check out my cooter!"  And then laughed hysterically because I'm so fucking hilarious.
     8.  I haven't thought about my birthday once today...until now...dammit.
     9.  I got nothing.
    10. I have to end my list in a even number of 10 because not doing so would disrupt the natural order of things.

My  Mood(ring) Tone of the Day:

          

Sacrilicious

So, I woke up in a pensive mood today.  Actually, I stepped off the scale in a pensive mood, which, actually, is quite a different feeling than I normally have when dealing with that monster.  Pensive because my weight had fluctuated by 5 lbs from yesterday, so I was immediately like..."what the fuck..." but not in an angry or confused way, more like a calm acceptance of the fact that the scale really is not an accurate tool in which I should judge my success or failure at this diet experiment because I seriously have not adjusted my caloric intake by the extreme amount that it would take to make that much of a difference in my heft...or lack thereof.

And this got me thinking...sure, I originally started this lifestyle change to achieve what most women want...physical perfection.

Even though I lie to myself and say it's because I want to get healthy.  Or lied, I should say, as in the past tense.

See, I work with a very sweet girl that I like very much who lives with lupus. It is a horrible, debilitating painful disease for which there is no cure.  She lives in pain every day, and never complains, is warm, friendly, funny, kind, and spiritual.  In a very non-annoying way, because normally, these are qualities that I disdain in a person (Kidding! I joke!  Kinda...)

And it got me to thinking about my own health and how blessed I really am that I don't wake up every day in pain, that other than a few extra pounds, an occasional backache, or a bloody stump of a toe, I am relatively healthy and pain free.  So what the hell am I bitching about?

The fact is that I have been so lucky to enjoy relative good health in my life, other than illnesses caused by my own foolish behavior.  And how easily have I forgotten that a little over 18 months ago I was in an intensive care unit while this amazing body that I detest and deride every day fought as hard as it could to keep going.

This body that I take for granted, that I criticize for sagging or bulging or wrinkling has actually served me very well these past 40 years and still I complain about it and treat it like shit.  I have pushed it to the very limits of its endurance, and still it carries on, gives me very little problems, and keeps me going.  Literally.

While I was recovering, after one of my numerous blood tests, my doctor informed me that he was concerned about my thyroid levels.  They were a low, and he wanted to keep an eye on them because he was hesitant to put me on any medication to treat it because he wasn't a fan of taking that serious of a step and he wanted to see if the problem would correct itself.

Well my body was like:

And boom, it took care of business.  Next visit...perfect thyroid levels.

Even during the times I didn't want to go on, it never gave up, and kept fighting.

So, my philosophy has changed.  I'm not going to berate myself or it by denying it when it wants a piece of chocolate, but neither am I going to torture it by forcing down a double whopper with cheese because of misplaced anger or frustration.

And I'm not going to stare in the mirror making fun of it, degrading it, or humiliating it any more.  Quite frankly, I'm going to work hard at showing it the respects it deserves, and cherishing it for everything it has done for me.

My Mood Ring(tone) Of the Day:

The current state of my fitness plan...

*sigh* Oh, well.  Tomorrow is another day.

In the meantime, I am enjoying the closing of the Olympic ceremonies.  Rule Britannia!  It was like the soundtrack of my formative years was playing.  My Anglophilia was reborn.

So was my love of one Liam Gallagher.

God how I did and do love that man.

Vast improvement on the hair front.  Would have a pic tonight but as I sit here with a Biore strip across my nose I feel that now is not the appropriate time.

The Rottenator is out of town and though I'm used to being by myself at night, he is usually only five minutes away whereas tonight he is 2.5 hours away so it is a little different.  And the Nooge isn't helping matters; every pop and creak of the house causes him to jump and stare blankly into dark shadows with black eyes which is not the most soothing thing in the world.

So, I'm off to bed while I am still relaxed enough to sleep.  I did get some cleaning done today, as well as my nails, so overall...successful weekend.  We'll just forget about the hot fudge sundae that served as my lunch and roll on.

Guess Who's Back In Town...Minus the Boys

Well, today was the day, and I must say...the  Rottenator and the Nooge handled it much better than I did.

For all my talk and jokes about the "snip snip", I must admit, when we dropped him off this morning and I made eye contact with that sad little orange ball of fluff in his carrier...

I barely made it out to the parking lot before I started bawling at the thought that he was scared, that he thought we'd left him forever.

The Rottenator was his ever understanding, sympathetic self: "I don't know why you're crying; this was your idea".

The only logical response: "I'm crying because you're so stupid".

As a little Birdie recently told me, "Boys are dumb".  And they are.

Well, I'm happy(?) to report that the Nooge is recovering quite nicely from his traumatic experience.  Too well, some may say.

I returned home from work expecting this:

And instead found something quite similar to this awaiting me:

(I really must invest in a new camera and/or phone).

Bottom line, all is well, the Nooge is home in one piece (minus a couple) and now I can get back to concentrate on more important things...like not emotionally eating everything in sight.

Today was not a good day for me.  I may have overloaded MFP with my daily caloric intake.  But that double Whopper with cheese and extra mayo...almost worth it.

My Mood Ring(tone) of the Day:

Sage Advice

Although it is possible to save up enough calories during the day to indulge in a double cheeseburger for dinner, this practice is not recommended.

The side effects are god-awful.  I've been so good at eating well on my diet that I'd forgotten what it felt like to be sick as a dog and full as a tick after ingesting a large, fatty meal.

Hopefully I will not forget this feeling again for a long time.

Grumplestilskin

Just one of those days where I'm in a bad mood for no reason.  Actually, I'm probably in a bad mood because I'm tired and more than likely PMS'ing, but I find it much easier to blame my mood on the Rottenator, because god knows, he probably deserves it for some reason.

For example, tonight, as I was washing dishes after making dinner, doing some serious pondering (my other pondering place is my shower, but I'm usually pondering over what I'm going to wear to work that day, so I have less time to harbor resentments) I just started thinking...what have you done for me lately?

As I'm typing this, he just let out the most horrendous fart, so that, in itself, is reason for me to loathe him completely.

Another reason is that...seriously, I was thinking, when has he ever done anything completely, selflessly, entirely for me without expecting some sort of reward, or without getting...

So, I started this post last night and I'll leave off there for authenticity's sake but I'm not in a much better mood tonight.  I really shouldn't post when tired, but a lot of my emotions are still the same. We had a big fight again tonight about the yard, which is growing up to my eyeballs, and the trashcan, which needed to be taken to the curb and which I have done the past few weeks.  What's the point of having a big strapping young man around if they don't take care of these things for you?  Good question, no answer.

But he did it tonight after my incessant bitching.  But the yard:  "I'm not motivated to get out there and do it."  Really?  REALLY!?!?!  Like I live to clean the bathroom and mop the kitchen, but I fucking do it. Whatever.

This is not going to be a good post because I didn't stick to my diet today and I'm frustrated.  Of course I'm going to blame that on him, too.  The mall and the food court.  He forced that gyro wrap down me...and the curly fries...and the frozen yogurt (nutella frozen yogurt, is amazing btw, I highly recommend it, especially when swirled with peanut butter, oh...my...goddess.

This is where I'm frustrated with myself because I could have been fine with just the wrap but of course I had to order the curly fries too and even though I was full by the time I finished the wrap, I forced down a few fries.  The more is more philosophy that I can't seem to get out of my head when it comes to food infuriates me.

But still I faithfully logged all of my calories as honestly as possible on MFP but GOD do I still want to stuff myself with cheetos slathered in dill dip before I go to bed.  Definitely PMS.  So, I will drink my water, finish up my computer stuff and go to bed.  Today is not a complete wash and I will hold onto my 10 lbs. lost as a win.

And I won't kill the Rottenator or the Nooge in the meantime...if all are lucky.  Yes, the Nooge who is insane because he was left alone for a few more hours and climbing all over me, knocking over water and slamming doors and walking across computer screens.

They should thank my friend Meryl at work for introducing me to E-Cigs. But my nerves are still fucking shot.

My Mood Ring(tone) of the day:

CROSS: A Thing They Nail People To

My comment on the opening ceremonies in London:

"Despite the lack of indigent Indian children, zombies, or heroin addicts, I found Danny Boyle's Olympic opening ceremonies to be a rousing success."

**And there is silence**

Look up Danny Boyle on imdb, people.   See his filmography?  Get it?  No?  Well, that would explain why I sometimes feel like Bill Murray (that's feel "like", not "up"; that would be my sister).

I amuse myself endlessly; case in point: this is my favorite board on Pinterest.

One of these days, I will find my soulmate who gets me completely, and shares my impeccable sense of humor.

In the meantime, I guess I'll just have to settle for the Rottenator and my sister, who at least appreciate some of, and accept most of my hilariousness.

Beginning day 3 with no cigarettes, and still down 7 pounds; might even try my hand at swimming today while doing chores.

And the Nooge has gotten into the habit of waking me at 5am every morning by milking me, or making biscuits as we in the South sometimes refer to it.

The video above accurately portrays our morning routine, except for the fact that there are no boobs and less facial hair and more sunlight because it is not 5 fucking AM.

I'm also calling around to vets today; next week it shall be snip snip time for the Rottenator Nooge.

My Mood  Ring(tone) of the day (in honor of the Olympics; this song always does send shivers down my spine in a good way)...

 

Saboteur!

So, obviously, I can only diet when the Rottenator is at work, because on his days off, he likes to frequent the buffets which I do not enjoy on the whole, but I am powerless to resist any offer of food, especially when it is in abundance.

*sigh*

I'm also unable to resist free food, and there was an ice cream social at work today, so of course I partook. 

Did I stop with one scoop of vanilla ice cream?  Did I bypass the ice cream in favor of the fresh fruit which was also being offered?

Oh, please, honestly?  Don't be silly; of course I made a big ass sundae complete with strawberry, chocolate, and caramel sauce, topped by Butterfinger bits, peanuts and whipped cream.

I am weak.  I can't wait to step on the scale tomorrow and see my weight-loss of seven pounds being stripped away in a matter of seconds.

But I didn't dissolve into true madness after counting up my calories on My Fitness Pal and come home and devour pepperoni slices, Tostitos Hint of Lime chips with dill dip, or even an Oatmeal Cream Pie.  I was even honest with my 350 calorie surplus and my lack of water intake. 

And I stopped eating for the night.  I also have not had a cigarette today, so I can officially say this is my first day of not smoking.  Yes, I vaped to get my nicotine fix, and although it is not a perfect solution it is certainly better than the alternatives.

Which are lung cancer, emphysema, heart disease, and murder (of loved ones and innocent strangers).

So, I consider today a relative success.

Also, my tulip tree is blooming again, which is a wonderful surprise, because it bloomed once over the spring, then we had a hard freeze, which turned all the beautiful flowers black with a quickness.  I didn't expect to see them again until next season, but here is proof that this god forsaken summer hasn't killed all of nature's beauty.

I really wish I had a better camera and a better cell phone, but you get the idea of how pretty this bloom is I hope.

All for now, long day, but tomorrow is casual day at work so I get to dress comfortably, and it's Friday, yay!

My Mood  Ring(tone) of the day:

What's New, Pussycat?

So, this happened:

Luckily, I did indeed pass my own work test, so I can relax now for about six weeks until the next one...whatever, but it's over.

Speaking of work, my new BFF work buddy Meryl* is also a smoker, but has started the transition to E-cigs and she let me test smoke one of hers for a few days and let me just say...I really love it.

http://www.volcanoecigs.com/inferno-kit-1041.html

It's semi-stylish, and it gets the job done.  A quick little nicotine buzz without all the nasty smell, smoke, and carcinogenics, just as bad (good?) for you as a diet cherry pepsi...which I am also trying to phase out in the form of water.

Soon, I will have no more vices...with the exception of peanut butter & jelly ice cream.

So, my sister has introduced me to MyFitnessPal which I'm going to give a try; it's a free calorie and exercise tracker so I hope to lose this extra 30-40lbs before my regaining gets out of control.  It seems reasonable enough; now all I have to do is really get serious about counting my calories and doing something about this because I'm really getting angry with myself.  I've been eating so much, and so often, I've almost forgotten what it's like to feel really hungry.  I'm more accustomed to what it feels like to be uncomfortably full, which is certainly not healthy.

You know what's also not healthy?  Cats on kitchen counters.

Oh, hai, welcome to Kitty Yoga!

 

 

 

Let me just clean up a bit first then we'll get started!

The Rottenator is already talking about having second thoughts about the "snip snip".  I, however, am counting the days.  I wonder if they offer a two-for-one deal (or would it be considered four-for-two?)


*not her real name, but she's as fabulous and dramatic as a young Meryl Streep, so that's how I shall refer to her.

My Mood Ring(tone) Of The Day:

Happy Christmas! No...wait...

Not yet, but today means Xmas is that much closer, so with that in mind, Happy 4th of July!!!

Today signifies an important event in our nation's history in that it marks the anniversary of when we declared independence from Rule Britannia and dropped the superlative "U's" from all of our words, such as colour, flavour, and favour and also ensured that I would spend extra dollars ($) versus pounds (£) on things such as Walker's Prawn Cocktail Crisps, McVitie's Jaffa Cakes, and copies of the NME.  Alas, pip pip and whatnot.


Today also marks an anniversary of sorts for the Rottenator in that a year ago he made an important decision to get healthier, and has stuck with it, and for this, I am very proud of him.  He's come a long way, baby.  Hell, we both have, so pass the chips!


To celebrate, he bought himself some fancy new underwear:

Against my better judgement, and to the horror of fashion experts every where.  Here he is showing them off while posing in his Coca-cola fancy pants (what else?)


Classic:

And dress blues:

Hey, you never know when you might be invited to dinner with the Queen, or the President even.  It's important to always be prepared.


And because I am the most awesome of the awesomest people ever, I made him holiday chicken and dumplings.  My gesture has nothing to do with the fact that I am now dieting due to returning from El Paso about 5 lbs (not British) heavier (which was lovingly pointed out by a caring family member, thanks, mom!) and hate c&d so therefore I won't be tempted to eat them, and everything to do with the fact that I'm just so damn sweet.


And because I'm sweet, I will share this crockpot recipe with you.  It's very easy in that like most crockpot recipes, you throw everything in at the same time.  Now, you will find other recipes that will tell you to add the biscuits in towards the end, but I always find that doing that leaves the dough raw and uncooked, so I put everything in at once.  Might have something to do with the fact that our crockpot is a fast cooker (recipes that say 6 hours on low take 4 hours in ours, etc.) so all I can say is that this works for us, and the c&d connoisseur in our house says that it's one of the best, so take it as you will.


Crockpot Chicken and Dumplings

Ingredients:

2 lbs boneless/skinless chicken breasts, cut into bite sized pieces

1 half onion, chopped

Two 10.5oz cans condensed cream of chicken soup

Two 14.5oz cans chicken broth

1 small can (about 6) refrigerated buttermilk biscuits (like Pillsbury Grands Jr), cut into bite sized pieces

salt & pepper to taste (I use a mix of salt, lemon pepper, garlic powder, and Lawry's seasoning salt)

Lightly grease crockpot with cooking spray (like Pam), add chicken and onions, and season with salt & pepper mix.  Give it a good stir to coat everything.

Add in two cans of condensed cream of chicken soup and one can of chicken broth. Drop in torn biscuit pieces, then add second can of chicken broth.  Carefully spoon liquid over dumplings to ensure that they are covered, then pop on the lid and set to low.

In our crockpot on low, this is usually done in about 6 hours, if on high, it's done in four.

Enjoy!  Or, if you're like me, watch someone else enjoy while you passively-aggressively digest your Lean Cuisine.

Have a Happy Holiday!

My Mood Ring(tone) of the Day:

Cankles and Fat Rolls and Muffin Tops Oh My!

Perhaps if I'd stuck to my original plan of trying to limit my food intake for about a week before my flight, I wouldn't feel like this today:

Oh, well.  Woulda, coulda, shoulda.  The two sausage biscuits this morning probably didn't help either.  And now my jeans are screaming for mercy.  Oh, but if only this weren't a business trip and I could travel comfortably in my fancy pants.

But alas, I cannot.  So I will endure, and pray that I won't need a seatbelt extender.  And hope that I miss the Rottenator and the Nooge, because right now, they are both on my last nerve.  Kathleen needs a break!

Until next time, my Mood Ring(tone) of the Day (natch):

Oh, but if I could channel Audrey Hepburn today!  And I'd forgotten that John Denver wrote this song originally, but I felt it bad luck and/or karma to post a video of him performing it, no?

Spanx For Nothing

Well, the Rottenator is off to work, so you know what that means: par-tay up in herra!  Actually, what that normally means is "cleaning frenzy for Kathleen" but I'm caught up on my cleaning, so I'm bored and I decided: "Hey, what better way to cure this boredom than to add a little dash of self-loathing to the mix to spice things up a bit?"

So, in preparation for my new career, which begins on Tuesday, I decided to give my Spanx a test drive. I'm sure I don't have to tell you what Spanx are; there's probably no woman on the planet who doesn't know someone who owns a pair if they do not in fact own one themselves.

Incidentally, the woman who created Spanx, Sara Blakely, is one of my heroes along with JK Rowling.  She's a fucking BILLIONAIRE, yo.  That's with a "B".  That's not why she's my hero; she's one of my heroes because she came about being a billionaire all on her own, from nothing, sewing panty hose onto underwear in her little place in the ATL (holla!) while supporting herself as a single mom.  That's fucking amazing.  JK Rowlings has much the same story, only she was a single mum.  I love these women.

That's what makes this so painful, not as painful as trying on my Spanx, but close.

See, I've been hearing what a miracle this garment is, so of course I had to try it.  I have a lot of imperfect anatomical parts, but the one that's bothered me the most, even since losing weight, is my tummy.  I still have a muffin top no matter how much dieting and exercising I avoid doing, so I thought Spanx would be a great way to help out in that area until I get my membership to the Y, which is dependent on my first pay check in three weeks. I opted for this little number right here .

So tonight, I tried them on...I would insert a photo here of me in said Spanx but I don't think you're ready for that. Hell, I'm not even ready for that.  And I don't want to get sued for sexual harassment or personal injury to eyeballs, so I'll just spare you that image.  I'll leave the sexual imagery to my sister, who is cultivating a very disturbing but possibly profitable interest in Uniporn© (copyright pending).


Yeah, so Spanx.  They were not entirely what I was expecting.  First of all, they are not as comfortable as everyone raves.  No, they do not bind like a girdle, but they do fit like pantyhose, in that the crotch is somewhere around my knees, and even after a great deal of pulling and twisting and other gymnastic quality motions they still only ended up approximately in the general area of my nether regions.


Okay, fine, whatever.  I'll add an extra 15 minutes to my getting ready for work time (time that I can subtract from my exercise routine) so I could live with that.  Especially because once I actually pulled them up, I did notice that my stomach appeared flatter, and my pants fit better, so okay.  I was willing to put up with them to the point that I wore them around the house for a minute, doing various chores.


And then I sat down.  And they rolled down past my stomach to my hips.  Defeating their purpose completely.  So what the hell is the point of buying a pair of undergarments to help flatten your stomach when all they do is bunch up at your waist, making you look bulkier than before?


I still may give them a try; we shall see.  I definitely will not attempt them with a skirt because I don't think it screams "we hired the right girl for the job!" when that girl is adjusting herself more often than a baseball pitcher.


Spanx, prior to experiment:

Spanx, post experiment, crumbled into a ball of rage:

How I'm Feeling Today (embracing my inner geek with a little bit of Dr. Who):

'Tis a remorseless eatin' machine!

So...if you count an all you can eat buffet as a single serving, I'd like to report that my diet is going splendidly!

L.A.Z.Y. I Ain't Got No Alibi

So, I'd like to report that yesterday's "get up and go" experiment was completed with a  moderate to high success ratio and though it's too early to tell, today looks like it may be heading in the same direction.

Meaning that I am up, I am bathed, and I am drinking my caffeine infused water.

Yesterday, I was so highly motivated that I actually got some things done.  Laundry, trip to the Wu-Mart to replenish household supplies, McD's, made dinner for the Rottenator, new sheets on bed, relatively early  bed-time.

Mmmm?  What?  Oh, yeah.  Mickey D's.  Well...yeah.  The whole eating thing is still a frustrating mystery to me.  I can't get a handle on it, but okay, I've come up with a plan of action similar to my cleaning one so I can at least put some things into perspective.

Again, a near effortless, free, barely life altering tip to control my eating: write down EVERYTHING that goes into my mouth (excluding those bugs that poop in your mouth while you're sleeping.  Have you read about this?  What the FUCK?!)

Now, there's no excuse not to do this.  It's not like the old days where you're whipping out a notebook and pen in front of your nosey waiter at the restaurant and adding up points.  This is the generation of smart phones, people.  Instead of rudely texting other people while enjoying your dinner with co-workers and/or loved ones, you can just be tabulating every mouthful of blooming onion slathered in special sauce that you've just devoured (and by quantity I mean "one" should not mean an entire onion, Kathleen).

I think actually seeing a list (damn, I do love my lists) of everything I've ingested during the course of a day will help me visualize exactly what I'm consuming, and sitting down at night and adding up the calories of said morsels will make me more aware of the amount of calories I'm eating, and the hope is, the amount will be so surprising/staggering, that I will take MORE effective steps to reduce my food intake and thus speed along my weight loss.

So, I'm not going to change what I eat...yet...I'm just going to make myself more AWARE of how much I'm eating, and how many calories I'm accumulating in one 24 hour period.  Oh, and I'm also going to track how much water I'm drinking too, because I figure as craptacular as I will feel upon staring at the lengthy list of unnecessary potato chips I've shoveled into my mouth, I can at least pat myself on the back for the amount of water that I've guzzled.  And perhaps I will allow myself an extra Reeses White Chocolate peanut butter cup because of this.  Because I'm all about the rewards system, people.

How I'm feeling today:

(To post on the fridge as a kindly reminder to myself.  And if other members of the household also take note, that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing).