I worked all day, came home, made chicken pepperoni for the Rottenator, and checked up on Facebook to see all of the exciting plans that my friends and family had for the evening and realized: this is going to be my life.
For good or for bad, this is it. I always get down after the holidays; this year is no different. I'm still sitting her, less than an hour until 2013, hoping that something will happen. The Rottenator will have tucked away a small surprise, gesture of love or affection, but as he stares transfixed at yet another football game, the likelihood of that happening lessens.
So tomorrow, I will get up, I will clean the house, make the traditional Southern Good Luck New Year meal of ham, collard greens (my first attempt at this hideous concoction), hoppin' john, and cornbread and go to sleep and prepare for another day of work.
Rinse and repeat.
This year, I am sober, relatively healthy, relatively comfortable, and still filled with an unshakable, nagging depression that just won't go away.
I hope it is the holiday blues, and I truly hope that this New Year brings everyone health, happiness, love and life.
Christmas was nice but over too soon. I did manage to make it to my sister's for a very brief visit but it was awesome waking up and seeing the kids all get their Christmas gifts.
Of which there were many; you can read about that here and see a god awful pic of me as well. I am beginning to think that my sister is passively-aggressively taking out latent hostility towards me which is left over from my supposed torturing of her in our earlier days. Either that, or she's just not a very good picture taker. But I love her anyway ;-)
Work is still exhausting. The Rottenator asked how I could be so exhausted from just sitting and talking on the phone all day and it's kinda hard to explain how mentally draining this job is to someone who doesn't understand it. Hell, I don't understand what I'm doing half of the time...which adds to the exhaustion. The best way to explain my job is to imagine sitting for 8 hours a day doing math problems. Word math problems. When you're not good at math.
Pretty much sums it up.
So, 2013 is upon us. And I know, everyone says, "Oh, I'm not going to make resolutions; it's so stupid and predictable and everyone makes resolutions, so I'm going to be different and contrary and not make any." Well, to those people, I say "fuck off, loser, stop trying to be contrary and different because now the fad is to NOT make resolutions so you're still a poser who's just trying to be different for the sake of being different."
So I'm making them. Because I'm edgy and cool. I saw this on Facebook the other day and because I was having a particularly bad one where I doubted everything and was hating my life and questioning my existence on this planet and my purpose in life, I reposted it.
And though it may be cheesy and sentimental, I still feel that way. It's the most difficult resolution of all, however, isn't it?
So, onto other ones, some more or less difficult, some more or less realistic and serious.
In no particular order:
I'm still kinda serious about the 365 milkshakes taste-test in 365 days. Perhaps it will lead to a book deal and not the life-threatening diabetes which is probably the more realistic outcome.
Lose (not loose, grammatical idiots) 40 lbs which is in direct conflict with the resolution above. Also, eat healthier so I feel better and not sickly and tired all the time.
Doctors appointments: mammogram, physical, gynecologist, dentist, top to bottom check out. Bloodwork included.
Celebrate my birthday at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios. I have not yet celebrated my fourth decade on earth as a monumental occasion, so I may as well make this the one.
Start writing again; even if that means nothing more than updating this blog more faithfully. It gives me a creative outlet and keeps my brain from stagnating.
So far, that's the list. I'm not going to go crazy with it, because then I'll look back on it as a insurmountable, unachievable list of "things I will never accomplish so fuck it all!" and not do a damn one of them, so let's keep it simple, stupid.
So, less of a list of resolutions and more of a touchstone of goals that I need to keep focused on. That works for me.
Mood Ring(tone) of the Day:
Sidebar: I know nothing of this band, or any of their other songs; I just know that Pandora played it on my station today and I must say: great job Pandora! Usually the songs they pick for me at random are totally like, WTF, seriously?!? How do you get Michael Buble from my stating that I like Oasis and Blur, but whatever...
This one was different, though. Very catchy. Foster the People. I'm afraid to research them for fear of ruining my enjoyment of this catchy little ditty.
Update: of course, I had to read up on the band. Good news: I'm still okay with them! Better news: I found a song I like that's only a couple of years old.
Kinda funny: they played this song on the Vampire Diaries. Which explains why I had visions of myself dancing around in my bra and underwear getting drunk with Damon Salvatore. And why I looked like Buffy Summers.
Ooooh, another update: I'm suddenly 16 years old just looking at these two together.
Another resolution: get really hot, be 20 years old, and have a devastatingly handsome and dangerous vampire boyfriend. Noted.
I have a lot to say and not a lot of energy to say it.
I am exhausted. From work, which has kicked into overdrive, and from my own explicable depression during one of my (normally) favorite times of the year.
Yes, I've seen the lights...pictures to follow...if I feel up to it...
And adored them. But God bless him, though the Rottenator has tried very hard to participate in my (admittedly) insane over-enjoyment of this holiday season, it's just not in him.
He doesn't get it. He doesn't get Christmas at all. It does not excite him, enthuse him, or bring him one iota of joy. At all. And this kills me. I just...don't...get it.
I mean, I understand it to a certain extent. He does not have the happy memories of Christmas and presents and family and presents and Santa and presents and trees and lights and presents that I have. His memories are unpleasant and heart breaking, and I'm not going to get into all of that here, but I did think that this year, a year that we're doing relatively well financially, one that he participated in at least one holiday family gathering, that he might just show a little more interest in all of the spectacle and pageantry.
But no. And I don't blame him, I can't blame him, but it doesn't stop me from wanting him to be a different person this time of year. One that can share in my joy of watching the Grinch, or laugh over Christmas vacation, or cry over the Little Drummer Boy.
The Rottenator is the Grinch. The Rottenator is Frank Cross.
By the way, Scrooged pretty much tops my list of favorite holiday movies.
Followed closely by this one; it's a pretty long scene, but go ahead and fast forward to about
1:45 into it. Oh, it's the best line ever.
Sorry, where was I? Oh yes, my holiday depression over my job and the Rottenator's lack of Christmas cheer. Eh, screw it. I just cheered myself up a bit by watching the clips above so I'm going to quit moaning and bitching and just randomly list some things that are going on with me right now.
My job doesn't quite suck but it is mentally draining. And I'm angry and bitter over the fact that we're working mandatory overtime, we are not getting the free lunches that were promised (unless you count a mini-snickers and a single serving bag of Doritos lunch) and the Rottenator (the boy who hated Christmas) is getting two weeks off from his job. Life isn't fucking fair.
The Nooge systematically destroyed all of my Christmas decorations and the Rottenator wouldn't help me hang lights so I ripped down everything, threw the crumpled fake tree into our spare bedroom and dramatically proclaimed this domicile as the "House that Santa Forgot!"
I picked out my own Christmas present today. I bought myself a lovely 10 piece set of Better Homes and Gardens pots and pans. I was very generous with myself, and really, I am the best gift giver ever.
I discovered that using a brush to apply foundation is AMAZING and I am both angry and amazed I have never tried this before.
I bought myself new makeup brushes and foundation for Christmas. Do go on, Kathleen, you are far too generous and kind for words.
I am wrapping everyone's gifts in left-over birthday wrapping paper. They shall look crappy and not at all festive. Hell, even if they were wrapped in swaddling clothes like baby Jebus they would still look craptacular. I am not a good present wrapper. It's the thought and the gift inside of the box that counts.
I have an amazing idea for a new book, as well as a New Year's Resolution I will surely keep. The title is tentatively called "365 Milkshakes in 365 Days". I will begin on 01/01/13 and will do a taste test of a different flavor of a milkshake from various establishments and review them all. This will also set me up for my 2014 New Year's Resolution tentatively called "My Milkshake No Longer Brings All the Boys to the Yard or How I lost 365 pounds in 365 days".
Well, I'd like to take a minute to bitch about the religious agenda. More specifically, the Southern Baptist political agenda of a certain church that exists right down the street from me.
Yes, Breezy Hill Southern Baptist Church, I'm looking at you.
It seemed innocent enough. For weeks they have been creating this grand spectacle of lights. SO grand, in fact, that I made the Rottenator stop by one night before they'd even opened so we could get a closer look. We were hurried out, politely but firmly, and told to return the following Wednesday when they officially opened . The Rottenator had to work that night, so I waited...patiently...every night, passing by this on the way home, taunting me with the wondrous spectacle I would soon be able to explore.
Fast forward to Friday. It started off well enough. This is the archway you walk through to (supposedly) get to the wondrous display.
And then, to further tease us...
But then...a problem...you can kinda see it in the second picture up there...
Oh yeah. You were not gonna get out of this without hearing the word of the Lord, heathen. It was then that I began to realize that there was no Santa in sight in this cacophony of lights.
The second not so subtle hint came when we were corralled like cattle into a building that was eerily reminiscent of Jonestown.
Yes. Sit and listen to our message and then maybe we will allow you to be thrown onto the back of a tractor and hurdled through a maze of lights at breakneck speed where you will be treated to refreshments at the end of it.
The Rottenator was not having it, and I for once, was with him. Bear in mind, he was only there out of protest because of me and my love of all things sparkly and bright, so he was ready to snap anyway.
Besides, we had a barbeque buffet to get to that he had been fantasizing about all day and god dammit, we were not going to miss it.
So after we walked the walk of the Damned back to the parking lot in the opposite flow of traffic, I had a few minutes to indulge my disappointment...and then I got pissed.
But even as I wrote that previous sentence, I'm now thinking...WHY exactly? Why am I pissed that this church decided to put on a light (free, mind you) display in order to recruit welcome visitors to their place of worship and perhaps gain a few members?
I shouldn't be, I guess. There were no false pretenses. I mean, there were no signs saying you would have to sit and listen to a few Christmas songs before enjoying the lights, but hey, it is a church, a Southern Baptist one at that, and I should have known that there is always a catch or a hidden agenda when it comes to those people.
And if it seems that I'm bitter towards Southern Baptists in particular, you're god damn right I am. I've known more than a few Southern Baptists in my time and have always found them to be the most judgemental self-righteous people on the planet who are more than eager to tell you that you are going straight to hell if you don't believe in their doctrine completely.
But it's not just them; it's organized religion in general that I have an extreme distrust and dislike of. Because much like political beliefs, there is no actual logic behind them. It has always been my policy to avoid discussing religion and politics with anyone I don't know very well because there is no rational thought process involved when it comes to beliefs and you are not going to change anyone's mind, and someone is gonna get pissed off, so why bother?
Especially as I am usually the one who ends up pissed off, and no longer respecting or liking someone I once considered a friend or relative.
So it's safer to leave those two topics off the table.
Bottom line, the first attempt at Christmas light viewing was a bust. Except for the occasional view of a tackily decorated house in my neighborhood, because lemme tell you, no one decorates like a low-income person. I mean that it the best possible way. Why is it that the more money you have the more boring your Christmas decorations become? I have no time for white lights or Martha-Stewart-esque natural wreaths. Bring on the multi-colored seizure inducing explosion of color, that's what I'm talking about!
So, we're going to try again tomorrow. To a more secular celebration of the Holiday Season.
