Respect My Authority

Would you hire this person?  Well, you'd better {insert well respected company name here} because she didn't put half a gallon of gel in her hair for nothing!

This is my new professional look that I'm trying out.  Or, more accurately, this is my "OMFG it's raining outside, my hair is going to be frizzy and ginormous and it's a well known fact that curly hair is not considered professional, I'm doomed!" look.

So far, so good, the look is working for me.  Fingers crossed, and on to the next one, on to the next one.  Big Pimpin' and whatnot.

Severe weather in Aiken claims life of senior citizen

The near tornado-like weather that hit Aiken this Friday afternoon tragically claimed the life of one elderly grandmother of three.

Reports are stating that DeArbra Weaver, 63,  died of a heart attack in the parking lot of the southside Kroger supermarket while waiting for her daughter, international sensation Kathleen Weaver, 29, to finish her one of her legendary shopping sprees.

undated photo of victim

The elder Ms. Weaver was apparently so terrified of the golf-ball sized hail and frequent lightening strikes that she refused to exit her vehicle to head for the safety of the store, and instead decided to wait it out in her car while being nearly swept away by tornado-strength winds.

She was found when nearby shoppers noticed her vehicle which was the only one stationary in a parking space with its hazard lights on, and smoke pouring from the slightly open driver's side window.

Emergency personnel responding to the scene reported that her last words were "I always knew it would end this way...one of my daughters would be the death of me.  I always thought it would be the other one, though."

When reached for comment, the other daughter, Michelle Seigler, responded,  "I'm kinda surprised she went down like that. I figured it would either be a heart attack, diabetes, or cancer.  Hell, maybe even driving her car, but I never thought it'd be weather-related.  She was scared of that shit for real."

Kathleen Weaver, the daughter present during the time of the incident, is currently on tour and could not be reached for comment.

Ms. Weaver leaves behind two very wealthy daughters, and three cute as hell grandchildren.  The family is asking that in lieu of flowers, mourners make donations to the American Diabetes Association, the American Heart Association, or the American Cancer Society.

Reluctant Couch Potato

Don't get me wrong: I love sitting in fancy pants, silently staring at a tv or computer screen as much as, if not more than, the next gal, but tonight...tonight is just one of those nights where this reality:

is not as satisfying as it normally is, 364 other nights of the year.  In fact, tonight, I'd much rather be doing this:

Yes, I know.  Poor me.  The banal complainings of the almost-but-not-quite-completely content.

Luck O' the Irish?

I found this growing outside of my front door while doing a little lawn maintenance this afternoon:

Just in time for St. Paddy's!  It's the perfect holiday decoration: tasteful, and free!

Incidentally, did you know that Luck Of the Irish actually means to have bad luck?  Which makes sense, because let's face it, the Irish are not a very fortunate people, but I never really thought about it before.  Once again, WikiAnswers to the rescue.

I especially like the phrase "The Irish have been, and are a spectacularly unlucky race."  Burn!

Whatever the meaning, I am taking this as another positive sign that things are moving along splendidly.

Prophetic Phortune Cookie

Eastern Buffet for dinner.  God, I love that place.  Even more so after tonight.  Despite the poison sushi which made me quite sickly (a rarity, because their sushi is usually quite delicious; I'm putting the blame on my unpredictable digestive system), it was a stellar meal, because I was blessed with not one but two, TWO fortunes in one cookie.

Normally, here is where I would insert a picture of said fortunes.  Unfortunately, they were misplaced on my travel home, which I am also blaming on my illness.  However, I can paraphrase quite nicely:

"Wish upon the first star you see to bring you good luck the next day"

and

"You will take a chance in the near future and have good luck"

Of course, I'm reading anything and everything into these proverbs as I have a very important interview coming up in a few days which could greatly improve my life, so I'm feeling hopeful.  Of course, with my paranoid and over-analytical nature, I'm also worried that the fact that I lost said fortunes means that everything else is negated and the exact opposite of what was said is going to happen.

It doesn't take a Chinese dessert to tell me that I'm insane.  That I already know.

On another food-related note, I was given a free Starbucks iced caramel macchiato to taste test this morning.  Now, I am not normally (read: hardly ever, more like never) a coffee drinker, but something you will come to learn about me is that I never met a free food that I turned down.  My middle name should be sample.  Honestly, you could serve me shit on a shingle, and I would eat it if it were free.

Point is: I fucking loved that cup of coffee, and highly recommend it to coffee and non-coffee drinkers alike.  It was insanely awesome.  Like me.

I like glass cups and I cannot lie

So, out of the blue (get it? see image above), I realized that I no longer like drinking out of plastic cups.  I hate it, in fact.  This thought struck me today as I was unpacking the last of our kitchen (which is now amazingly clean & tidy, tyvm), and found this one...lone...blue...plastic monstrosity.

It's the only plastic cup in the house.  Which is amazing, because not even a year ago, I was the girl who would refuse to let go of any fast-food supplied beverage holder, no matter how old, warped, or faded it was.  I would hold onto a Big Gulp until it was cracked and permanently lipstick stained no matter what ("it's still good!")

Maybe it happened on my 40th birthday, I went and got all growed up, high falutin' and elitist.  But I honestly cannot stand plastic kitchenware of any kind.

What's next?  No more buying Diet Cherry Pepsi in plastic two liters?  Ha!  That's just crazy talk...even though I have been thinking about switching to cans.  If I could find it readily supplied in bottles...ah, but those are pipe dreams.  Until then, I'll be perfectly fine with pouring it into my lovely glassware, and sipping it delicately...while fanning myself and discussing poetry and art condescendingly.  Because I'm all fancy and shit.

New/Old House = New Retro Kitchen

So, this is the first time I'm moving into a house with a strapping young man, so you know what that means: home improvement projects with a free & always available, albeit unwilling, workhorse that I shall exploit for my own personal gain.

Of course my ultimate dream house would look something like this:

with interior furnishings along these lines:

(notice a pattern?  Yep, you got it, green is my favorite color!)

However, the reality is that I have a 1950s house, so it looks more like this:

with a kitchen that looks more like this:

**Actual pic of me in said kitchen; like my dress?

Not that I'm complaining, far from it, I love my little house, and j'adore my big ass kitchen.  But I would love, love, LOVE to update it while keeping the retro feel, so that is going to be my new project.  Much like my lifestyle diet change, the remodel is still in the planning phase, and consists of me gathering together pictures of kitchens to draw inspiration from.  Like this one:

Or this one:

Considering that this is the current state of my "dream" kitchen:

I have a lot of work to do.  Hey, I just moved in, don't judge.  But definitely feel free to give ideas and suggestions...or free labor or supplies.  Or just plain old hard cash, whatever, I'm easy.

**UPDATED:  Ikea, you read my mind, how awesome is this? Design your own kitchen, why thank you, I will!

Stupid Weather

So...hey there, Mother Nature, so, like, do you have it in for my sickly Tulip tree in particular (because it's all about me, remember, yeah, you probably get that by now) or do you just hate SC in general?  Because we had all of TWO days of cold weather, and BOOM...my poor little barely blooming masterpiece was destroyed, and now all the pretty little blossoms look like the above.  Sad sight, really.  My chlamydia did take a beating as well...wait, is that right?  Chlamydia?  Or am I thinking of something else?  Oh, right, Camelias.  That other thing is something I would definitely be okay with you killing, not that I have it.  No, seriously, I don't.  Jokes, people.

Moving on, Goddess of the Earth, are are you going to stick around to kill the azaleas, too?  I wouldn't mind that, actually, because that is the one plant on the planet that sends my allergies into overdrive and leaves me in a snotty miserable state, so go ahead, zap away. But leave the peaches alone.

Can't Sleep, Clown Will Eat Me

Old house + New Noises = Insomnia with a touch of "a ghost and/or axe murderer is gonna get me" paranoia.

Not looking forward to my first night alone in this place.  Also, not looking forward to a whole day of work where I will have to strive even harder to make your shopping experiences a god damn pleasure.

Death + Celebrity = Instant Sainthood

Really, people?  And by people, I mean all of you guys on Facebook.  Just because some washed up, let's face it, crack-addicted has-been dies, she's a martyr.  Why?  Because she was given a (in the opinion of some, not including me) voice and could carry a note at one time?  Whitney Houston was a trainwreck.  I couldn't stand her when she was alive, I certainly think no better of her now that she's dead.  Amy Winehouse had a god-given talent too that she wasted, and at the time, everyone was like, "Well, abusing substances like she did, she deserved it."  Well, so did Whitney.  Who also committed the unpardonable sin of pronouncing it "ax" instead of "ask"...repeatedly.

So, let's all take a moment of silence...before watching the video below which confirms the fact that Kathy Griffin is one funny chick.

So, okay, this healthy eating thing

First things first.  Breakfast.  I am a notoriously bad breakfast eater.  I hate breakfast foods. I would much rather eat last night's leftovers, or a sandwich, soup, anything other than your grits, eggs (ick), bacon, sausage special.

However, I have recently realized the validity of the "most important meal of the day" statement.  What I eat in the morning really does set the mood for the rest of my day.  If I start off with a bag of potato chips and some white chocolate peanut butter cups (omg, must have some now), then I feel like crap for the rest of the day.  However, on the days I start out with even a glass of milk, Greek yogurt, or a smoothie with my daily assortment of vitamins, I feel SO much better, and energized. That being said, I need something a little more substantial to fill me up, and also economical, as I'm on a tight budget, and bottled all-natural smoothies are damned expensive.

So, I've been looking at different recipes to try out that fit my equal parts protein/carbs requirement, and that I can make with relatively cheap ingredients.  I've discovered the following two that I think will work, that use a lot of the same ingredients, but are different enough that I can switch them up without becoming bored with the same thing every day.

First off, Bircher Muesli:

Sounds good, right? Like a healthier granola.

Next, a Banana-Oatmeal smoothie:

So, that's breakfast, done.  Next...lunch...not as much of a challenge, but I have decided to go with the "make lunch your biggest meal of the day" philosophy, because I do believe that a lighter dinner is better for digestion, and the hope is I will wake up feeling less weighted down, and "oogy" to use a technical term.

It's probably important to note that I have a difficult time with digesting certain foods for reasons that may or may not be revealed at a later time.  Not necessarily a bad thing in that my system can't really process dry or stringy substances such as chicken, pot roast (unpleasantly realized a few days ago), or spaghetti noodles (other small, tubular noodles or shells are just fine). So, again, bearing in mind that I'm on a budget, I think I'm going to go with something like ground beef stew, meatloaf, shepherd's pie, chili, or beef stroganoff.  Nice, hearty, filling, and great protein/carb ratio if served over potatoes, or noodles (small, of course).

For dinner, I'm going to have a salad.  I have been known to tear through a staggering amount of salad in one sitting, so believe me, this will fill me up.

So, that's my three main meals, done.  The other things I need to work on are snacks.  I do love chips, cookies, ice cream, everything and anything that is bad for you.  Being that this is not so much a diet as a lifestyle change, I'm pretty much going to snack on whatever I want when the mood hits me, but I'm going to concentrate on portion control, which has always been an issue for me.  What I will divulge is that 11 years ago, I had a gastric bypass, and though I did stretch out my "pouch" at one time, since my illness last year, my stomach has again significantly decreased in size, though that realization does not seem to reach my eyes or my brain.  To circumvent this, I'm going to either measure my snackage by ounces, or by number (ex:  1 c. ice cream, or 20 chips).  I'm fairly OCD, so this will satisfy that need of control as well.

So, hey, Kathleen, you may ask yourself, how's this going for you so far? Started yet?  My answer: No, I haven't, get off my back why don't you?  I just came up with this plan, damn.  It's still in the planning stages.  It also is not helping that I am currently staying with my mother before moving into my new house, and whenever I'm at her place, I'm like a starving Ethiopian child when the first UNICEF food delivery shows up.  I go batshit crazy eating everything and anything I can stuff into my face.  A free-for-all, so to speak.  But the gravy train to unlimited Foodsville is about to end, so it is time to put the Meal Plan into place.  Plus, in my new house, I have a full, massive, could-rent-out-as-a-separate-apartment kitchen, so I'm going to be a  food preparing maniac.  I can't wait.

New Year, New Life, New Blog

So, it's only February, and I'm already working on one of my New Year's Resolutions, which was to start writing again.  Honestly, who am I kidding, I made no resolutions other than to not spend 2012 recovering from a near death experience in the same manner as I did in 2011, but I digress.

As well as my newly formed two day ago resolution, I decided to start eating better.  Yes, yes, everyone says this, and I have spent every year of my life since the age of, oh, birth, trying to do this, but this time, I am beginning this with quite a different purpose with a hopefully lasting end result. THIS time, it's going to be different (she sarcastically types as she rolls her OWN eyes with the rest of her blog reading audience which consists of a party of one, probably her sister) because the driving force behind this decision is, for the first time, not to lose weight, but to, in fact, feel better and become healthier.

I know, right? The shock, the horror, the utter nonsense.  Right there with ya, people (Michelle).  I guess that it is easier to focus on this because, in fact, due to the previously aforementioned near death experience, weight loss is no longer my top priority.  Oh, yeah, I could still stand to lose a few, don't get me wrong, but it is no longer my primary goal or the driving force in my life.  I actually weigh less now then I did at 15, which is a shocker, and I no longer feel suicidal upon stepping on a scale, so I guess it is easier now to focus on health, which is probably what I should have been focused on all along, but whatever.  When you're young, single, and all of your friends are shopping at The Limited and you're waddling through Lane Bryant, you embrace that diet coke/ephedrine diet with full force and delight in the jittery shakes and sleeplessness while dreaming of that size 0 slinky sweater dress which, in reality, your boobs will never fit into.

However, now, at the age of 40, I can realistically evaluate my body and know that I will never have that perfectly svelte, wrinkle-dimple curve free body that honestly, I never could have even at the age of 16.  I will always have droopy boobs,  hanging skin, arm-wings, a chicken neck, and stretch marks.  And that's okay, because my primary goal now is to stop feeling so god damned sickly all the damn time.

I think this does stem from the fact that for over a year, I haven't felt physically good.  Yes, I feel better than I used to, but I still feel exhausted, still get sick when I eat certain things, hardly ever have energy, and I'm ready for a change.  I never again want to feel like I'm going to vomit after eating, or bloated, or have wildly fluctuating blood sugar levels that leave me feeling sweaty, weakly, and light headed.  I don't want to wheeze (yes, quitting smoking is on the horizon, but that is another goal for another post), or wake up feeling like death, or snack on craptastic food all day because my breakfast started with a cigarette and a diet coke with a handful of vitamins that left me drained and cranky all day.

So, come with me, won't you, on this fantastical voyage.  Not that this will primarily be a self-righteous "I'm better than you cuz I'm getting healthy, bitch" blog, oh, no, far from it, but I figured that this was as good an introductory post as any to get my juices flowing.

Until next time, dear reader(s)...which will probably be in a few minutes, when I post yet another fantastical idea that I've discovered on Pinterest.  Because that site is fucking awesome.  Mostly because again, it's all about me.